Wednesday, August 13, 2008

coincidence...i think not...

It was during my exhaustive research on the Jeanne Calment post that I noticed something strange going on…
‘Queen Jeanne’ had reigned supreme as the world’s oldest person from 14th February 1991 until her death on 4th August 1997, almost six-and-a-half years, before passing the torch to Marie-Louise Meilleur, a spritely 116-year-old nearly six years her junior.
Meilleur, from Ontario, Canada was at that time still playing in goal for ‘The Guelph Gryphons’, an all-women, semi-professional ice-hockey team, had recently represented her country at the 1994 Winter Olympics in giant slalom, yet on becoming the World’s Oldest Person (WOP) she was dead inside nine months, after the grand piano she was carrying upstairs allegedly fell on her.
Her successor as WOP, Sarah Knauss, aged 117 from Pennsylvania, USA, former personal assistant to President James Buchanan, lasted just eighteen months as titleholder before she was struck down and killed by a startled white-tail-deer during a 50 km bushwalk.
This left Eva Morris of Staffordshire, England, a paltry 114 years of age, as the WOP and she was expected to remain in office for at least a decade. Within twelve months however, Eva was gone, her vital organs apparently sucked out while she was sitting naked over a drain in her Jacuzzi.
Following Eva Morris as WOP were these unfortunate really old cunts:
Marie Bremont, France, aged 114, WOP for seven months before dying of water intoxication while trying to win a ‘Wii console’ in a local radio station's ‘Hold Your Wee for a Wii’ contest, which involved drinking large quantities of water without urinating.
Maude Farris-Luse, USA, aged 114, WOP for nine months, said to have fallen to her death after she threw herself through the glass wall on the 24th floor of the Michigan Met Life Building in order to prove the glass was unbreakable.
Kamato Hongo, Japan, aged 114, WOP for eighteen months, killed when the helicopter she was piloting stalled and crashed into the Siumida River. Startlingly, this was the second helicopter crash she had been involved in that year.
Mitoyo Kawate, also Japan, also aged 114, WOP for a mere two months, thought to have died from severe poisoning when she ate four fugu (also known as pufferfish or blowfish) livers in twelve minutes for a bet The liver is considered one of the most poisonous parts of the fish, but Kawate claimed to be immune to the poison. The fugu chef felt he could not refuse Kawate, for fear of losing face…but ironically lost his license as a fugu chef instead.
Ramona Trinidad Iglesias-Jordan, Peurto Rico, aged 114, WOP for six short months, supposedly died of smallpox ten months after the disease was eradicated in the wild, when a researcher at the laboratory she worked at accidentally released the virus into the air-conditioning unit of the building. She is believed to be the last smallpox fatality in history.
María Capovilla, Equador, aged 114, WOP for twenty-six months, believed to have solicited a man via the Internet to torture, kill and eat her for the purpose of sexual gratification.
Elizabeth Bolden, US, aged 116, WOP for less than four months, who according to official court transcripts was bludgeoned to death with a fire extinguisher by the crew of a commercial aircraft after attempting to storm the cockpit in a failed hijack bid.
Emiliano Mercado del Toro, Puerto Rico, aged 115, the only male WOP in the last 100 years, who legend has it died laughing while watching the Spanish-subtitled ‘Kung Fu Kapers’ episode of ‘The Goodies’, featuring a Scotsman in a kilt battling a vicious black pudding with his bagpipes.
Emma Tillman, USA, aged 114, spent just FOUR DAYS as WOP, before insurance investigators say she climbed into a storage rack at the Ford Motor Company’s Flat Rock casting plant to retrieve a part because the parts-retrieval robot had malfunctioned, when suddenly the robot reactivated and slammed its arm into Tillman’s head, killing her instantly.
Yone Minagawa, Japan, aged 114, seven moths as WOP, famously killed when an eagle dropped a tortoise onto her head (attempting to crack open the shell) after mistaking it for a rock…

My point: I find it hard to believe that all these people, after managing to live well into their hundreds, don’t seem to last terribly long after becoming the World’s Oldest Person.
I think there is a serial killer, a crazed madman perhaps, systematically offing these really old cunts. If I were Edna Parker, currently aged 116 of Illinois, USA...I'd be afraid.
Very, very afraid...

33 comments:

Jen said...

You seem to know an awful lot about these 'deaths', Fingers....
Thanks for the laugh,I needed that this morning.

fingers said...

Yeah, I'm Dexter...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers babes...I think there is an investigation going right now as I write you. Evidently you are not the only one to notice the connection.

Edna Parker has died since you posted. I really hate to pass on this news as you will have to update the post...sorry.

it seems something wierd happened to Edna Parker...She was gazing out into the night...star gazing was a favorite of her past times. Well a bolt from a space shuttle went loose and fell on entry and hit her square between the eyes.

Rest in Peace Edna Parker. You died in the prime of your life...Oh why is it that the good die young?

I know you'r all choked up...and...wait!

What...Oh! Um, never mind Fingers, I just heard...it was a Edna BARKER and not Parker that died. My mistake.

Ciao babes...loved your post. :D

kimba said...

A Serial Killer? Surely the causes of death are far too diverse for a single handed operation?

Unless.. all the deaths happened before midday..?
We may well have a Cereal Killer on our hands..

unique_stephen said...

This growing old business is deadly

Kelly said...

Are you threatening her?!!

That felt like a threat...

surfercam said...

Geez you must be bloody bored at work Fingers.

xl said...

It is my understanding that the WOP-In-Waiting is one Joanna Wynona Gacy of Chicago...

SPARSELY KATE said...

I had a jolly big laugh at some of these...especially the poor old love who had her innards sucked out by a jacuzzi drain.
Or the fugu chef...didn't want to lose face but lost his license instead. That was gold.

Great post you funny bugger.

SPARSELY KATE said...

...and kimba's joke. let's give kimba a little round of applause too. that was funny.

fingers said...

Spiky: It took me so long to post this piece I wouldn't be surprised if the killer has struck several times since I started writing it.

Kimba: The killer is obviously a Fruit Loop.

US: I like to ward off old age by drinking the blood of my readers.

Kelly: I'd like to tap you up for a pint.

SC: Yeah, I don't know why I bother sometimes. Thanks for the encouragement though.

xl: There's 3 ROCs in my building at Cunt Point who must be in with a chance too.

Kate: Funny what you can do with two unrelated lists sometimes...

unique_stephen said...

errhhhhh cut past failure me

Looks like Edna knows how to look after herself - it appears she has knocked the tallest ROC in the world off her perch

fingers said...

US: Parker is actually my prime suspect in the murder case. She had the most to gain from the other ROC's deaths. Looks like she may have switched categories now...

Tom Gaylord said...

lol it's funny cause it's true! What a curious observation? You should send this post to a criminologist, or Patricia Cornwell?

Kitty said...

i hope that old cunt Enda checks out soon baby!! i should top that dumb bitch to make way for you to scoop up the top Crustiest Old Fuck title. you deserve all the prestige and glamour attached to being the second male WOP in the last 100 years ...?

you so old baby. it makes me feel all dirtay.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers...Fook me, I've been asked to investigate these unusual deaths. I will be in Oz next month plus...don't be home when I ring the door bell...I'll have to take you into custody. Poor Edna didn't have to die. (wipes tear from eyes)

This is so not CIA crap...I told them to call the FBI. Fran would love to investigate shit like this.

I've stalled them as much as I could Dexter, I mean fingers...run.

Ciao babes...and you thought I should be on meds. :D

hehehe

Have a fab Friday and weekend babes. Ciao.

Josh said...

I imagine all these deaths must be disturbing as you work your way to the top of that list of ROC's.

Personally I hope to be a pretty corpse.

Regulus said...

Brevity is the soul of wit, Fingers.

By the way, Mrs. Edna Parker, whose age is given as 115, actually lives in the same nursing home in Shelbyville, Indiana (the U.S. State next to Illinois), as did Sandy Allen until her death just the other day on Aug. 13th. Ms. Allen was the Guinness World Records' holder of being the tallest woman on the planet at a tad over 7'7" or 2 m 31.7 cm, for your metric sensibilities). (Here is their farewell to Ms. Allen.

Mrs. Parker's Wikipedia entry -- in this case, Wikipedia is useful -- is here. Her husband died in Feb. 1939 -- some seven months before Hitler invaded Poland.

By the way, did you like my blog entry of the Bush-drunk-in-Beijing pictures? My StatCounter went crazy today.

Keshi said...

Fingers how come u seem to know so much abt 100+ oldies...d u hv a notorious obsession with em? lol!


Keshi.

travistee said...

Are these ladies your old schoolmates, Fingers?

Kelly said...

Do you know what 'tap' means in the US? It certainly doesn't mean kill, if that's what you were going for.

ahem.

Jayne said...

*humming theme ditty to Dexter*

Wicked post Fingers :-)

EmmaK said...

I'm afraid I can't find it in myself to care why these old cunts croaked it. Although one theory I have heard is that if you sit too long (over a year) in the same pair of Depends they start to release certain toxic chemicals which can kill centenarians.

( . )( . ) said...

The thought of some old ladies innards being sucked out by her jacuzzi saw me vomit a little in my mouth. But its ok I swallowed it.

So, Sydney, me and you baby? :D

fingers said...

Tom: I speak for all the forgotten, dead, little old ladies of the world.

Kitty: Did you steal my teeth again this year ?? I can't find the fuckers anywhere.

Spiky: I don't have a doorbell. It only encourages visitors.

Josh: Hope is cheap. Indulge yourself, Butt Head.

Reg: Yes (is that soulful enough ??).

Keshi: Why are you laughing, you Egg-roll.

Trav: I went to an all-boy school, Cabbage.

Kelly: I meant drain you like a box of cheap table wine, Plonker.

J: Ack, how creepy is that show's opening ??

Emmak: These old cunts deserve our respect, you arrogant cheese-eater.

(.)(.): I just swallowed a bit of vomit myself there...

Steph said...

Trust you to know so much about old cunts.

fingers said...

Steph: You're the Tamsyn Lewis of blogging...

( . )( . ) said...

Dont be such an old cunt. Me and my lil friend want to stay with you.

Please.

Im begging.

Srsly.

Kelly said...

ok...maybe I'm just a perv, but that sounded the same as I said before...

Regulus said...

Soulful?

Keshi said...

lol lol lol!

Keshi.

electro-kevin said...

Pensioners are fucking lethal, man.

How many times do you hear this ?

"What killed him, doctor ?"

"Old age."

I say we get them before they get us, Fingers.

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