Monday, August 18, 2008

the olympic shames...

There are some really, really, terrible sports in The Olympic Games. And by that I don't simply mean the womens' events (although it's what I'm secretly thinking, byatches).


'Citius, Altius, Fortius'...'Faster, Higher, Stronger', that's what the games were meant to be about. Running places quickly, jumping over things, lifting huge objects, throwing stuff a long way; like you'd do in battle. Like they teach you in Man School.
So, with this in mind, I'd like the IOC to stick the following 'sports' up its collective ass.

Table-Tennis:
This is not a sport. At best it's something you do in a friend's basement, beneath a single, bare bulb, with a beer fridge handy. This definition also applies to reading porn magazines, which I'd prefer to do rather than play/watch table-tennis anyway.

Synchronised Swimming:
This ridiculous drivel has no obvious point other than the requirement that the contestants do it in perfect harmony. It is the underwater equivalent of two people rubbing their heads and tickling their tummies in identical fashion. Besides, there is no place in sport for any activity that demands the use of nose-clips.

Diving:
This is a complete wank-fest; like a cocky-walking competition. Who gives a flying fuck about all the twists and rolls ?? The point of diving is to get from a high platform into the water safely. The only way I'd watch diving is if they reduced the landing area to 1 square metre of pool water and gradually raised the height of the platform until people started missing.

Walking:
I don't care how difficult this is...it's silly and undignified, with all the competitve drama of a 'quiet-shouting' contest.

Artistic/Rythmic Gymnastics:
This is nothing more than an Olympic version of 'Dancing With The Stars'. Gymnasts in lycra, wearing mascara, adhesive sparkles and fingernails painted to resemble the flag are not athletes. And the women are even worse. Anyway, once judges get involved in an objective manner, the whole spectacle becomes less of a sport and more of an art. Besides which I'm sick of having to 'wait and see whether there are any deductions' for infractions beyond the understanding of the casual observer. Tell you what: fuck the protective mats off and replace them with sharpened spikes. That would get the little cunts concentrating a bit harder AND solve the problem of how to score errors.

Softball:
Get fucked. What next; Nerfball ?? Pitty-pat boxing ?? Towel-folding ??

Beach Volleyball: For chicks only...and not unless they get naked !!!

Synchronised Diving:The double-whammy combining all the gayness of diving with the sheer pointlessness of synchronicity in sport. It's just a matter of time before the ultimate joke of Synchronised Rythmic Gymnastics is played on us.

BMX: OK, I tried really hard to embrace this as a sport. I love cycling, so the idea of pedal-powered rallycross didn't offend any Olympic sensibilities, however I've now had a re-think. From the sight of grown men riding kiddies bikes, as though they're in Clown School or something, to the thought of medal-winners being interviewed and claiming to be 'stoked', this sport has no dignity. And if they want to find out which riders are on drugs, forget expensive blood tests...just give them a jar of peanut butter and see which ones eat it with their fingers.

Dressage: This 'athletics' abomination is less of a sport than it is a finishing-school core-subject. Why not just give them all big bowls of soup, a spoon and a napkin...then award the medal to whoever can get the most soup out the bowl and into their mouths, with points deducted for bowl residue, napkin stains and slurpy noises...

More 'sports' to be excluded shortly...

57 comments:

Tom Gaylord said...

umm add hammer throw!

SPARSELY KATE said...

I hate being first because it makes me look like a blog-surfing stalker with nothing better to do but check blogs every ten minutes...

oh er...anyway


Hahahah! Man school. Towel folding. Cocky walking competition.
Thanks for my laugh!

unique_stephen said...

You can't tell me the limpics are drug free. Whoever came up with Synchronised Swimming was on something. If Faster, Higher, Stronger doesn't condone hydroponics nothing does.

surfercam said...

I agree and would like to add Tennis - isn't it enough to win Wimbledon etc and be paid millions each year?

Synchronized Swimming? - Fingers didn't you see the hot 19yr old Brazilian twins? If not let me know and I change your thinking on that sport...

fingers said...

TG: Fuck off. The hammer throw is fierce. I just wish they'd throw the hammers into the areas where the Olympic wogball was going on.

Kate: Actually, it's a silver for you in the Olympic Blogstalking, Liesel.

US: I bet you like watching 'Frasier', don't you...

travistee said...

Is the hammer throw the same thing as the discus throw? I'm much too lazy and drunk to google the thing, but at any rate...I don't get it...

Kitty said...

i want to know just how much juice phelps is banging up his elbow joints....

FUCKIN CHEATER!

Kelly said...

I would totally enter the cocky walking competition. GOLD for me!

They should have a trash talking comepetition. If they gave you five minutes to respond in blog comment form, you would totally win! You'd probalby be the oldest bag to win too!

:-)

xl said...

Two nominations:
* Trampoline
* Fake Opening Ceremony

Spiky Zora Jones said...

You are so gay...you don't watch watch diving go see the rolls and flips...it's to watch the chicks in bathing suits. Some are so hot.

Synchronised swimming...ha! babes...just to see the legs above the water, toes pointed to Jesus and crotch shots, well it's well worth having the sport.

As for softball, it's a sports babes, just like baseball. I could throw a ball past you at the plate and strike you out 9 out of 10 times...while you stand there like a mangirl. And still be girly on the pitchers mound.

Beach volleyball...I would so tear a you a new one if you played against me...that's if you could even jump on sand. That is my SPORT babes. I played it many years along with softball. I mean...hot chicks in bikinis and guys without their shirts...grrrr. I'd fucking pay to play along side Misty May and pat her on her ass and say...good job babes.

You like swimming right...oh that's right the torpedo is retired. Oh but hey, there's Phelps (who volunteered and is tested regularly to show he isn't on juice along with Torres)...I know what haters think. He just kicks ass in the water.

I know you'd rather watch the men play grab ass, scrath the nuts...burp and fart competitions. The real men sports...taught at real men schools.

hehehehe...fuck this was a good post and lots of fun to comment on.

Don't be so gay and come sit by me while we watch Misty May play BEACH vollyball. I'll show you how to use your imagination to see her play without her bikini on...hehehe.

Ciao babes. :)

Effortlessly Average said...

Just as long as they continue to show women's pole vault. Holy shit that russian chick is hot. I'll save the obvious "I've got a pole she can vault" joke for after I've had a few drinks and begin to act REALLY juvenile.

unique_stephen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
unique_stephen said...

What are your feelings on Australian softball now?

Keshi said...

I agree Fingers! Some of the so-called Sports r stupid.


**Artistic/Rythmic Gymnastics: This is nothing more than an Olympic version of 'Dancing With The Stars'.


LOL I didnt see any celebrities there tho. And thank God for that!


Keshi.

fingers said...

Trav: You can't tell a hammer from a discus ?? You really DO need a man around the house, baby.

Kitty: I think you need to be drug-tested for that comment.

Kelly: What a shame they don't have The Pimp Olympics for you then.

Spiky: Awesome. That must be why they call you Spiker Jones on the circuit.

EA: Did you know that sport was invented in Holland as a way for farmers to jump dikes and get around their underwater acreages ?? I'll keep away from the dike-jumping gags too.

US: I have the same feelings as before. I think the gloves are a waste of time.

Keshi: I'd like to see you on a trampoline...

xl said...

Fingers, put on your glasses. Hint: after Kelly, before Spiky.

fingers said...

xl: You didn't apply for a permit to whinge about that, did you. I'm afraid we're going to have to shoot you now...

( . )( . ) said...

Whats the olympics?

Steph said...

I'm with Boobies ^^, fecking sports!!
BOOORRRIINNGG!

Now dwarf throwing, that's a sport i'd watch.

unique_stephen said...

Come on Steph - Surly your into girl on girl wrestling

fingers said...

SC: Apologies Surfy. I didn't see you slide in there at all. Still, if you want twin action, check out either The Potters or The Miltons on YouPorn...

ray said...

Hi ,

I was reading ur blog posts and found some of them to be very good.. u write well.. Why don't you popularize it more.. ur posts on ur blog ‘the whine guide’ took my particular attention as some of them are interesting topics of mine too;

BTW I help out some ex-IIMA guys who with another batch mate run www.rambhai.com where you can post links to your most loved blog-posts. Rambhai was the chaiwala at IIMA and it is a site where users can themselves share links to blog posts etc and other can find and vote on them. The best make it to the homepage!

This way you can reach out to rambhai readers some of whom could become your ardent fans.. who knows.. :)

You can also win an exciting t-shirt by winning the contest which is going on in rambhai.com…. hurry up the contest is from 10 – 24 august…

Cheers,

Kelly said...

Who are my bitches?

Steph said...

Lmao @ comment from RAY.
Unique- I don't watch girl on girl wrestling, I like to actually do it. You know, with pillows and wearing lingerie etc.

unique_stephen said...

Gees Fingers, a T-Shirt
You could put it in the pile with your "I feed the Milton twins real meat" and "MILF hunter" ware popular around cunt point.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: Yeah...a new fucking free t-shirt, fingers. OH...HURRY! HURRY! There could be millions of ardent fans waiting for every semicolon you write. Semicolons are so sexy...lots sexier than a apostrophe; don't you think?

A free t-shirt when you win...yippee, just think about it...another Hanna Montana t-shirt to wear when you go to Wall Mart. How snazzy is that!

I'm with Step on the Dwarf sport thingy. Fuck...I thought they had Dwarf throwing in the Olympics. When did they take that out? I've been waiting all week! Dang!

ciao fingers...the post and comments rock.

villageidiot said...

I agree completely. And synchronized rhythmic gymnastics? good gawd man, don't give em any ideas!

fingers said...

(.)(.): It's a huge drug festival. I can't believe you're not there.

Steph: You can't even walk down a city street without hurting yourself, so it's no surprise sports is of your list.

Ray: Tell you what, mate. Name 3 topics I've written about that you liked and I'll send you a T-Shirt.

Kelly: I'll loan you some of mine if you like.

Steph: I'd love to see your chaiwala some time.

US: I'm still proudest of my 'I had Steph and Kitty at the same time' T-Shirt.

Spiker: It's an Indian site. I'd have nearly a billion new friends.

VI: That 'sport' belongs in an Arabian circus...

( . )( . ) said...

Well tag team me drunk and call me a slutbag, I need to get to this olympics and FAST. Can I catch a train? Is it local?

SPARSELY KATE said...

fingers, I know how you like to leave long gaps between posts but I wanted to make sure you knew that the Olympics is nearly over so you better get your part 2 published quick sticks! I'm just so keen to find out what you make of male gymnasts.

Bo Bo said...

Too much of your shit to read at the moment but I will get around to it.

Speek soon you old cunt

EmmaK said...

what about dressage, you know dancing on a horse...seems like a lot of bother to take a horse out to dinner, then dancing, just to get your leg over. News flash: you don't have to take a horse out to get it to do the naughty, or at least that's what Mr Hands told me before he kicked the bucket

Effortlessly Average said...

Hey Emma, how is it that you know so much about what it takes to bed Sarah Jessica Parker?

Wait... if memory serves, Fingers' ex is her doppleganger... so forget I made that crack.

cat said...

Ha! T-Shirt.

Why I do believe our ole' Fingers has become a fucking Blog Author right before my ever lovin eyes.

I thought I was the only one that enjoyed his writing. I guessed I was wrong AGAIN!

I say go for the T-Shirt "Pimp Daddy".

EmmaK said...

effortlessly average...this is the problem, fingers is old free and single, now SJP is single or at least her hubbie cheated so she will be looking for love. I know how to seduce a horse and so does fingers, so why doesn't he run after the scrawny scraggly mare and mount her? cos he's scared that's why

electro-kevin said...

Taikwondo (spelling ?)

Utter shite.

Madam Z said...

"Faster, higher, stronger" sounds like an ad for Viagara!

SPARSELY KATE said...

fingers!! stop press - the world's oldest man died today in India, he was apparently 139 years old. Blimey eh?

Mone said...

Table Tennis is something we did about 30 years ago and we did it only to kill time. It has nothing to do with olympics. I bet those people there have no real world job, lucky cunts!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Ha...who wants millions of ardent readers...like Dr. Evil (pinky finger at the corner of my mouth) You want a BILLION! hehehe.

Sweetheart, That is so cool...to be able to tell a billion people to fuck off and they give yo a t-shirt. Fook me!

Oh and hey...Olympic fodder...my girls rule the beach with gold, babe. That rumor that Misty May issued a restaining order against me is so not true. DAMN Hollywood Mags!

Ciao babes...hope you are having a wonderful weekend.

fingers said...

(.)(.): The 8-05 to Beijing is an express. Be on it. And can you grab me some duck while you're there.

Kate: Male gymnasts will all get jobs as palace eunuchs for The Emperor after the games finish.

BooBoo: Speaking of eunuchs.

Emmak: Ha, I didn't even think dressage required a comment about its connection with Olympic sport...but just for you, see below.

EA: I bet the Germans even have one, long excrutiating word that means 'ex-wife with doppleganger-like similarity to famous person with a horsey-face'.

Cat: If only there were a billion people like you to adore me.

Emmak: When a horse throws you, you get up, dust yourself off and get straight back on. But not the same fucking horse. Only a moron would do that.

E-K: Taekwondo is appalling. Especially the chick's tournament. Nothing happens. It's like watching two memebers of a Jerry Springer audience have a 'fuck you/yo mama' finger-pointing contest.

Z: As opposed to 'Hey Limp Dick: Get this stuff'.

Mone: Even the maority of foreign teams had Chinese expats playing for them.

Kate/Spiker: You two could win the synchronised waffling gold medal in London in 2012...

SPARSELY KATE said...

I just watched the male ping pong contenders (both Chinese) and I was edge of my seat riveted. Weight lifting by 201kg blokes never gets me that excited.

You just never know where that tiny ball is going to go!!

Steph said...

I could give a rats about the games I'm just annoyed that the Brits are beating us in the medal tally count.

WTF is going on???

phishez said...

I dunno, some of those sports would be interesting if performed naked, as intended by the ancient greeks.

Ms Smack said...

I love all of it, well, most of it, except for a couple of sports that you've mentioned here. I'm mostly pissed that Aussie tax payers pay gazillions of dollars to celebrate a small population of our country. I'm patrotic, don't get me wrong, and I bawl when they play the national anthem, and the athlete weeps, but fuckin' hell... How much did the games cost tax payers?

And surely there are other priorities the dosh could be used on?

( . )( . ) said...

I'll deliver the duck when I am in syd for new years right? Address plz.

Kelly said...

yay! I get to smack my bitches up if they don't make me money! wooohoooo!

Are they hot bitches, or skanky ones?

fingers said...

Kate: Those tricky side-spin serves really shit me to tears.

Steph: You're just jealous because another Steph is suddenly hogging the limelight.

Phish: I'd like to see an underwater camera following the chicks during the breaststroke.

Smack: True, but all work and no play is no fun either. Besides, i pay way more tax than you and I'm not complaining, Sister.

(.)(.): Oh yes, after reading about your charming house party last weekend I've completely changed my mind about letting you stay.

Kelly: You couldn't smack the chocolate powder off a cappucino, Tough Girl...

( . )( . ) said...

Fine.

*huddles in the corner crying*

Keshi said...

u perv!

Keshi.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...Come on babes let her stay for the New Years...you might get lucky and she's bringing a friend. Wha-hey! A finger sandwich sounds pretty good, right?

I'll tell you what I'll cover any damages, but that doesn't include the cost of your hospitalizion after those two get a hold of you.

Fuck...I've never said this before...but I want to be you. Um, more, I want to be in your position. I love being me too.

I'm starting to take notes.
1) I have to get me a boat. It's a chick magnet.

Sweetie, you have a wondeful day.

Kelly said...

no...maybe not... but I could suck it off.

rowr

phishez said...

And all I can think of is this, at the 25 second mark.

Ah well, there ya go ya pervert. Save the athletes a hell of a lot of embarrassment.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Um, fingers...me thinks this post will be up STILL...when the 2012 Oly games start up in London. Ha! :D

Have a fab Monday babes.

Ciao.

Les Miserable said...

And now...back to The Brain and Scary Bob.

Jayne said...

I never watched so much of a nano second of the Olympics. I'm pleased to note (from your observations Fingers) that I didn't miss much :-)

Jane said...

boo!

the Olympics are fantastic.