Monday, September 29, 2008

don't fuck with uncle fingers...

Every now and then something happens that restores my faith in the way things are supposed to be.




In early 2000, I met a wonderful chick named Carolyn; drop-dead gorgeous, funny, intelligent, independent, a senior legal secretary in a top firm, she drank, smoked, did recreational drugs and performed gymnastically improbable acts in bed. We dated fiercely for six months, during which time Carolyn brought much-needed light into what was an exceedingly dark period of my life. I had seen fit to leave the money market and open a Japanese restaurant, a decision that in retrospect made less commercial sense than ‘Kitty’ opening a nuclear power plant. Given that I had zero experience in the hospitality industry and even less interest in actually being hospitable to anyone, it was inevitable that this diabolically stupid idea failed…which it did…in just over nine months…leaving me stone broke.
One afternoon during the last tortured weeks of my restaurant’s life, Carolyn came breezing into the place as she usually did, putting a smile on my face as she always did. Whatever else that was going wrong in my life, as long as I had the pleasure of this beautiful girl’s company, I felt like the luckiest man on earth.
‘Hi Fingers, I just wanted you to hear it from me first…I’m going up to Gove in the Northern Territory, to live on an Aboriginal reserve and work with disabled indigenous people.’
‘Why?’ I asked, assuming it was a wind-up.
‘I need to discover myself,’ she replied with a cliché so well worn that I knew it had to be a wind-up now.
‘I see…and when are you planning to go?’ I ventured, going along with the gag.
‘Tomorrow at 3pm.’
‘How long will you be gone?’
‘Three years, maybe longer.’

I was secretly beaming at Carolyn’s straight-faced delivery; this was a very good gag.
‘So, you’re leaving me to go and live in Cuntsville, in forty-degree heat, in a tin shack, with the flies and the crocodiles?’
‘I guess.’
‘I love you so much, baby. Thanks for the laugh.’
‘I love you too, baby. You’re welcome.’

The next day while I was at work, Carolyn flew off to Gove…

The next twelve months formed a part of my life for which I intend getting a refund some day…

Although I never saw Carolyn again, never spoke to Carolyn again, I learned through mutual friends that ‘The Self Discovery Choo Choo’ ran off the rails during that same twelve months and that she had developed a rather nasty ‘speed’ habit, which she funded by vending the comfort of her orifices to passing truckies, presumably while listening to ‘Yothu Yindi’ or ‘Goanna’ on her IPod (eh, Kate?).
Sweet !!!
Now, I never wished Carolyn any harm, however by the same token, I’m not too proud to admit I’d have been a little put out had she won ‘Powerball’ or gone on to meet some minor European Crown Prince, marry him and live in the family castle. Anyway, seven years went by, during which time I rose like a Phoenix from the ashes of my own stupidity, never giving Carolyn more than a passing thought…until now.
An old mate of mine rang last night, out of the blue…and after swapping small talk for several minutes, he said ‘Hey, I ran into your ex-chick last week.’
‘Which chick?’
‘Carolyn.’
‘Fuck, no way…where is she these days?’
‘She’s back in Sydney…even has her own web page, just like you. There’s an e-address hyper-linked, in case you want to contact her. Would you like the URL?’
‘Yeah sure…why not.’
And so he gave me Carolyn’s URL: my chick
Yes, that’s my darling Carolyn, aka Kimberley !!!
She’s looking pretty fabulous too, now aged twenty-seven, even though she was thirty-three when we were going out. What’s more to the point, as well as having a nice, steady job again, I noticed from her bio that she is finally getting to work with a lot of disabled people.
And let me tell you, if memory serves me correctly, they must be some of the happiest gimps in the whole world…

85 comments:

unique_stephen said...

The more I hear about you the more I like you.
A fucking Japanese restaurant you dill.
Seven years ago I was getting married, just finishing up working for Rene Rivkin and was taking a job at a top tier firm (BDW). Never met a Caroline but my pick would have been the 25yo project management officer who flew a rescue helicopter 3 days a week.

fingers said...

US: Funny you mention Blake's, coz that's precisely where she worked...

travistee said...

i never know whether to believe you or not...

unique_stephen said...

There were rumors

fingers said...

Trav: Believe it. Every word. And that IS my ex. Got to admit, she is quite hot.

US: Er, mate...she left BDW in 2000, where she WAS a legal secretary. Her later career began some time in 2002 in Nhulunbuy, NT...

travistee said...

She's only $650 an hour for couples. Think she'd give us a freebie?
PS You can book her online if you're so inclined...

unique_stephen said...

Yeah - there were rumors about ex employee such and such and what she was or was not up too

Keshi said...

Bullshit!

Keshi.

Anonymous said...

right! well, that clears up what to get you for your upcoming birthday smoopie!

it is quite spooky that you should post this smoopie dear, you see, i'm currently looking at getting a new career and this is just the one i was thinking of.

good money isn't it? i thinks i'm going to sell my poon smoooooooopie!!

fingers said...

Trav: She might...but then there would still be my fee. Or did you think one saucy little home-made video was going to get you all of this good stuff for nothing...:)

US: You should have heard what they were saying about you down in M&A.

Keshi: OK, let me be perfectly clear here. I don't write fiction, never have, never will, mostly because I can't. I tell stories and do satire. That's the extent of my literary genius. So, when I do bother to take a couple of hours or days to craft a piece, rather than perhaps just emptying my head of every stream of conscious thought I have on a daily basis, I'd prefer not to be insulted with one-word comments that have no constructive value whatsoever. Unless it's your intention to make me wonder why I bother. Now behave yourself, or I will come over and scribble on your blog.

Kitty: Well, gosh...thanks but I've already had that gift before. And a lot of jizz has passed under her bridge since then...

LẌ said...

"Lesbian Double - per lady $80, Swapping - per lady $90"

I need some financial advice. Having completed my training (thanks Ms Kitty!!!), I'm considering that sort of situation myself. Now, do I pay them or do they pay me?

Fanny said...

So you are human.

fingers said...

xl: If you're asking that, perhaps you need the fantasy package...

fingers said...

Fanny: No, that was my last act of humanity...

Memphis said...

Well, I guess she found herself. And so have thousands of others, for the right price.

At least she's still hot.

Anonymous said...

...when i turn 41 i shall say i am a proud 41 year old nuclear power plant owner.

so there!

*truth exuding from every orifice*

Anonymous said...

33 plus 8 is...41...innit?

fingers said...

MS: You think that's hot ?? Check out 'Megan', the blonde-recently-turned-brunette...coz that's Steph's working name.

Kitty: Yes, Pythagoras, we get it. We can all do the maths...

Anonymous said...

fingers stop baiting memphis that is a cunt of a thing to say...

megan is it?

*goes off to ogle "MEGAN"*

Anonymous said...

http://www.stiletto.net.au/ladies/458/Kitty-medium-athletic-blonde

OH MAI GAWD...I'M A HOOKER!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

fingers said...

Keshi: More grovelling please.

Kitty: OK, so Kimberley fibbed about her age, but you've added 30cm to your height, you lying short-ass trollop. Anyway, you just exceeded your comment-limit for one day. Get back to your own blog immediately...

Keshi said...

**More grovelling please

ur the one who's grovelling not me. who wud write such a dirty post abt his ex-GF? ofcourse Fingers wud!

I thought I was outta here!

Keshi.

Anonymous said...

Hey that was a great read...but I'm a bit worried because could she sue you for writing about her on here? :)

And I reeeeeeeally wish you hadn't of mentioned the yothu yindi and Goanna music playing while she shagged truckies along the Stuart Highway...that's way too easy to picture. Ew!

Otherwise, it was a good post and nothing like soaring ahead with your life after a heartbreak. You go girl.

fingers said...

Keshi: If you're going to move out, do it quietly. I hate scenes.

Kitty: Now, I know I threw you out a few comments back. Don't make me use 'KittyGuard' again.

Kate: I've said worse things about you and you've never sued me...

Keshi said...

**Keshi: OK, let me be perfectly clear here. I don't write fiction, never have, never will, mostly because I can't. I tell stories and do satire. That's the extent of my literary genius. So, when I do bother to take a couple of hours or days to craft a piece, rather than perhaps just emptying my head of every stream of conscious thought I have on a daily basis, I'd prefer not to be insulted with one-word comments that have no constructive value whatsoever. Unless it's your intention to make me wonder why I bother. Now behave yourself, or I will come over and scribble on your blog.


look who made a BIG scene out of a one-word comment? not me! :)


Keshi.

Anonymous said...

You have a rough set of fingers.. Sorry i meant readers! Mainly from the Aussie side of the world? They take no prisoners.. :-) I prefer to be gentle with you.. but maybe they know you better.. :-) The moral of this story of yours is that we all have a walk to walk.. And its never certain as to how it will end. Love Tiff

Anonymous said...

i bet tiffany and her hornay as anything avatar stays.

:o(

Fanny said...

I have an Uncle fetish

phishez said...

Kitty, the hooker, has smaller boobies than our Kitty.

I don't think they have a Steph there.They do have a Jazz there. Bwah-ha! Wonder if it was a typo when they put it into the computer...

phishez said...

Oh, and if that wench is 27, I'm a size 10!

Ms Smack said...

I remember you telling me this story a couple of years ago... it's great to see images and the real thing being unfolded.

I guess her speciality of 'disabled' clients was some fulfilment in her ephiphany eh?

Clyde said...

Someone asked me how I felt when they found out that my ex wife was hooking.
My asnswer was "Bloody lucky---I used to regularly get for nothing what other guys were now paying big bucks for---and she was bloody good"

Steph said...

Keshi, I like you and all, but you seriously have to stop doing that. You fly by, drop a sentence, often times it looks like you haven't read the post at all, and it's the worst form of comment/blog whoring I have ever seen.
It's actually an insult to the blog author.

Sure you want to publicise your own blog, more power to you, it's working for you. But please show a bit more consideration to the people who's blogs you are doing your "fly byes" on.

I sometimes think this comment section is more about the commenters getting attention for themselves, than actually saying something about the post they have just read.

Hope I didn't offend anyone. Just my two cents.

NOW! (Fuck this is a long comment, I apologise) The post- Oh sweet jebus you totally have to book her. I mean seriously, how can you NOT?
For reals!!!!

If you don't. I fucking WILL!! Think of the stories she could tell me about you.
Muahahahahaha!!!!

Steph said...

And I rest my case.

Fingers, you should start selling advertising space here. LULZZ!

Chuck said...

I love it when karma bitch slaps someone in desperate need of it. It does make the world a happier place.

The magic of the internet with myspazz (thanks Steph) and facepuke means we can check in on our ex's whenever we want.

I've never had an ex become a hooker, though. Kudos to you for scoring with her.

Chuck

Memphis said...

Megan, eh? I'll get right on that. Now, where is my fucking passport? Ah, got it! I'm on my way over, cash in hand!

Hmm, I get the impression Steph totally missed your comment about Megan. Either that or it's true and she didn't want to talk about it.

cat said...

Fingers, That kinda breaks my heart for you.....maybe thats just a "girls way of thinking" but does that bother you in any way?

She is quite beautiful and you must be proud of that, I bet..no, no, I promise, you had her when she was at her best.

She must have had some skin work done, most "speed demons" or at least here in the States, have really bad looking skin and this young lady has flawless looking skin.

Wow, Fingers you should write a book, you have most definitly lived the life most young men would love to live.

Jayne said...

I HAD to read your post before I clear off from the Sandpit for a month & of course, the link is blocked, thanks to the fanbelt & t-cloth brigade............you'd think they'd have a bit of compassion with it being Eid & all..........
I'll have to check it out while I'm in SA (no censors - yay!) & will leave a further comment.

De Campo said...

My conservative Muslim internet provider has the link block which ensures it’s a winner.

This place is an evil shark pit of well placed sarcasm. I fucking love it.

fingers said...

PRUNING COMPLETE: Now where were we...

Keshi: I'm just saying, I would prefer it if you were honest and actually said 'What a dirty thing to write about your ex-g/f' rather than just flounce in, write 'Bullshit' and flounce out. And BTW, you're wrong, TWG is not a democracy. It's an autocracy run by a tyrant and in here I'm the law.

Tiff: Jerry Springer couldn't have done a better job of extracting a moral from this sordid piece of sensationalist garbage.

Kitty: But I let you stay, so clearly I'm not motivated purely by looks, you crusty old cat.

Fanny: Well that's a silly name for an uncle.

Phish: I don't think the truth in advertising standards are that high in this industry.

Smack: Well, I certainly hope she didn't get hooked on gimp-sex as a result of dating me.

Clyde: I hear you, brother. Why can't the lazy slobs get jobs while they're married to us ??

Steph: OMG, it's like you were reading my mind. That's what I was trying to say but you said it so much more gently, so eloquently...like being whipped with a feather. Ah fuck it...I like my way better. More fun.

Steph: No ads. I may become a subscription blog though. I suspect people will pay good money to be insulted. If only my readers had any money.

Chuck: Well, it's more about the fact she got her gimp-wish rather than her unfortunate career change. I really don't hold any grudge against the poor thing.

MS: I think you'll find Steph's AVO extends out into international waters, mate.

Cat: Hey, she had me at my best too. I'd say we're even, baby. And no, it doesn't bother me one bit these days. Not much does. Clearly.

Jayne: I'm sure you get the drift of the site from everything that's been said...but it's still worth a look...:)

dcb: Welcome. 'An evil sharkpit of well placed sarcasm.' That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me for ages. Thank you...

Electro-Kevin said...

What a delightful story. (Not)

I'm off to visit her - I may be some while. I won't let on that I know all about her office work.

You's a baaad boy, Fingers.

Electro-Kevin said...

Tucking fypos ! I meant 'orifice' - not 'office'.

fingers said...

E-K: Sweet ride, huh...but she STILL wasn't a hooker when we were dating...

Memphis said...

You think she travels for customers or just meets the cruise ships out at sea? I'm not entirely getting what you mean, as I'm not experienced at the international hookers quite as much as the local Memphis crack hos (Memphis Ho tip: get'em young, while they're just flunking out of the University of Memphis due to their new crack habit and still oh-so-fine.) Either way, I'll gladly fly a Qantas exploding jetliner to Sydney myself. I need to come there anyway. To see the beaches. Yeah, for the beaches.

fingers said...

MS: Well, I have no idea what you're waffling about, but I just spoke to the beaches and they're not happy about you calling them that. Especially Steph...

Keshi said...

Stepher o no u got me wrong too. I DID read the entire post I promise. I was a bit shocked that someone cud write such a demeaning post abt his ex-GF. And I thought this was all lies...hence my BULLSHIT comment.

did u or Fingers ever u'stand that? guess not! *rolling eyes*
I did not intend to ridicule the author of this post...all I was saying by that one-word comment was that this was a made up story.


Besides, Blogville is made up of all kinds of ppl and they read n u'stand ur posts the way they SEE them...and they'll comment the way they WANT to. Not how YOU want to. If u cant stand that, then why d u put ur thoughts in Public and expect ppl to comment? These were ur own words Fingers.


Anyways, I wont be here anymore...cos I dun wanna be in a space where ppl r forcing me to comment the way they want me to. Besdies, one word or a library-long comment, it just says how the reader saw the post. Isnt it more real than writing long paras of bullshit.


Tata!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Keshi said...
And Stepher nah Im not mad at ya for saying that to me...but plz dun ASSUME I didnt read the post. How wud u know that? Cos I did read it fully, I even went to that site to check her out. So dun assume things abt ppl and nah Im not looking for any attention in this comment section. I hv plenty in my blog!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Fingers ur ridiculous and hurtful one-liners in my blog all this time were accepted by me w.o. throwing any hissy fits like u did here. Rem I accepted u and ur comments just the way u r.

All the best with ur autocracy, atleast in Blogville u'll get by.

Keshi.

fingers said...

Keshi: Thank you for not making a scene here. Your quiet dignity humbles me...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

finger: ha...sweetie doesn't that karma just make you give up high fives when you see it at actually working.
Oh...I could have helped you with the restaurant thingy. It's a lot of work...people don't realize just how much...It so dug into my fuck time...time the revelator. I needed more fucking time not work time. I digress here.

Sweetie, bottom line the BITCH got what she had coming. I mean what gal in her right mind would turn her back on you, couldn't she see you would eventually get a boat.

I so have to get me one.

I'm know the sex was good...all that and a bag of chips but babes...she didn't deserve you. I mean that in a nice way. :D

Oh and that gal in the pic is...shy. alot like me.

ciao babe.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...just went over some comments...Hi Tiff (waves wildly)

Um...It's like a circus here...I fucking love the circus.

ciao babe.

LẌ said...

"Kimberley specialises in: party bookings, disabled clients, fantasy, escorts & massage."

Now, that's a marketing plan.

unique_stephen said...

I've been meaning to introduce you to De Campo. I predict you'll get along famously.
I'll have to warn him your a potty mouth tho

read his September 22 post.

Thursday's Child said...

fingers, your life is the makings of a very fine book. And I am glad to see that karma does in fact work. Not that I am casting aspersions as hooking as a life choice you understand....

Memphis said...

Beaches? Wasn't that some lame-assed chick-flick starring Bette Midler? I hate Bette Midler.

When did Keshi go and get so mad? How did I miss all this drama? I must've been watching football and missed it.

So I can have Steph for a night just by calling her 'Megan' and meeting her on a ship of some kind? Awesome! Tell her to wear a pair of black thigh-high boots, a G-string, and a bustier. Maybe bring a whip of some sort.

I'm assuming you're a big-time Aussie pimp, obviously. This would explain how you got rich and all. It would also explain all Steph's jetting about the country. I guess that was rather your original point, wasn't it? I'm a bit slow.

Shit, now you guys are gonna roll me, aren't you? Fuck!

fingers said...

Keshi: OK, enough of this nonsense. You're always welcome here, so stay/go, it's your choice. It's a long-established fact that I don't give a rat's ass what my commenters say, as long as they're not ignorant, boring, overly-frequent or deliberately offensive to people incapable of defending themselves. To write 'Bullshit' falls into the category of being boring. Now, sharpen up.

Spiker: The very thought of still being a restauranteer makes me ill. To this day, I still won't eat 'yakitori'.

xl: She should have gone over to Beijing for The Vegelympics; she'd have cleaned up.

US: Who are you calling a potty-mouth, you cunt ??

TC: Maybe not a first-choice career but it must be nice to know your prople always have the option as a backstop...

Steph said...

Keshi, You are totally contradicting yourself. You say "all kinds of ppl and they read n u'stand ur posts the way they SEE them...and they'll comment the way they WANT to. Not how YOU want to. If u cant stand that, then why d u put ur thoughts in Public and expect ppl to comment?"
Yet if someone were to call "Bullshit" on one of your blog posts, I'm tipping
you wouldn't even publish it. I know I wouldn't. At least Fingers gave you the courtesy
of having you disregard his post with that one word. Bullshit.

Going to someone's blog is like visiting their "E-house". You wouldn't
shit on the rug there would you? No, so I don't understand when people post derogatory comments on someones blog. If you don't like it, if you think it's bullshit, then move on. There is no need to create the scene you just have.
I'm really shocked.

I know you have plenty of attention on your blog, and that may be part of the problem.
I too had many readers and commenters and after a while you start to believe the hype.At the end of the day it's ALL BS.

By the way, Kesh, There really is no need for your anger, insults or "eye rolling". If anyone
should be doing that it's Fingers.

fingers said...

MS: Well, I'm not going to...but I think I hear The Big Bad Bimbo coming down the hallway...

fingers said...

Steph: OMG, I love you so much. It's like having my own personal Blog Falcon.

*ps...be out of town before my Attack Kat returns or she'll tear your feathers off and shove them in your ass for you...*

Steph said...

Well, sorry for hijacking your comment thread.

I'll piss off now. ;)

Memphis said...

I see what you mean. Can you imagine if you had both Steph and Kylie defending you at the same time? They're like the ultimate bodyguards. I'll bet even Mike Tyson would cower in fear of them.

My e-wife is talking about the e-house. I wonder if it's possible to have e-babies?

fingers said...

MS: I think your e-cheese just slipped off your e-cracker...

Anonymous said...

Um.. i get the feeling in my ass that the whorticulturist is going to have to do some more severe pruning of all the emotionally driven and offended commentators.. am i correct? do you also have that feeling? hi kitty! im back! hi Spiky! love Tiff

Thursday's Child said...

Well yes, I'm sure my prople are soothed daily (if not by the pink stick) by the knowledge that they can surrender the pink for dollars and a career at Stiletto's. Sadly I see that Touch of Class is up for auction this month....

MommyHeadache said...

can't you make this a bit more interesting, like book a session with her and record her reaction when you turn up. Like, do you think she'd even recognize you after her years of drug abuse etc? go for it fingers

fingers said...

Tiff: I'd probably prune this comment if I had any idea what it was about.

Rack: What, you used to earn a living blowing truckies outside diners in the NT too ??

TC: Still beats dressing up in a koala suit and walking round with a bucket all day.

Emmak: I think the story is interesting enough already without my being the 5th and the 3784859th guy she's ever been with...

Memphis said...

I always was a cheese and crackers sort of guy.

Electro-Kevin said...

But seriously.

I think Carolyn seems like a lovely person. Prostitutes often are actually.

I'm full of remorse for having arrested some of the loveliest people I've ever met (when I was a copper.)

My Grandma was a good old stick really. With hindsight I could have let her off putting a washer in the electricity meter during that cold winter in '87.

Bad Bob said...

She does look pretty good for 41, especially since she is a former speed freak.
Now MEGAN is definitely my type...
Arrigato Gozaimas!!

Madam Z said...

I don't care how "gorgeous," she was, fingers. You deserve better.

Memphis said...

Damn, pretty soon I'll be standing in a line for Megan.

fingers said...

MS: Does that actually mean anything in Memphis ?? Coz down here it means bupkiss.

E-K: Suddenly Memphis seems quite lucid by comparison. And hey, it was ME who gave your granny that washer. Sucker.

BB: I have a feeling they're all your type, Bob.

Z: Why thank you, Z. Not sure what I did to deserve better, but thank you anyway...

fingers said...

Ooops, nearly forgot...
I'll be away on holidays for the next two weeks. In view of the currently dire economic circumstances out there, I feel it would be in poor taste this year to show photos of the lavishly appointed five-bedroom beach house with swimming pool and tennis court in which we're staying.
I'll be doing some writing, so there may even be a post for you lucky, lucky people.
While I'm gone, I'm leaving Memphis Steve in charge of the complaints department. If you have any problem with any of the content here at TWG, please make your objections known on his blog and I'll be sure to read them all when I get back...

Memphis said...

Hell, a comment is a comment. I'll take what I can get.

Anonymous said...

We will miss you Fingers.. and i promise to behave! its difficult i know.. But Steve will keep me in line for sure! and im sure he will enjoy it.. :-) love Tiff

Ms Smack said...

You need to buy your own pad there mate. You go every year.

Send pics. I love them.

Have a great holiday
x

cat said...

Bye Fingers, Have a great time. Please tey and stay in contact with us.

I miss you already :(

MommyHeadache said...

I think the story is interesting enough
??
this plot wouldn't pass muster in a novel, no character development. She was with you, she went to help retards, that didn't work out, she became a speed snorting prostitute, and now you find out she's an escort. Where's the surprise element? It would be interesting if she had become a god botherer or a born again virgin or something.

Have fun spanking the plank on your hols.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

finger...ha! You have a fabulous time mister. I'll miss you.

Hey I'm staying at one of those places too while I'm away. Hey if I see you there I'll send over a bottle of champagne. The good stuff...not some of the stuff I send to my staff...hehehe.

Ciao babe.

Bad Bob said...

Have fun on your vacation mate. If I wasn't so busy, I'd come party with you.

Electro-Kevin said...

Have a nice holiday, Fingers.

surfercam said...

At least you had first crack at her crack before she got on the crack and then had to sell her crack to buy more crack.

UBERMOUTH said...

Adding my two cents...
Wow! In all the time I have been in blogland, I really got a better sense of who you are Fingers by your rather gentle response to Keshi.It so contrasts to, and puts into perspective, your humour, when there is no doubt now that when truly telling someone off you show no cruelty whatsoever.I think I may have misread your humour at times.
Your human/soft side is nice to see.

UBERMOUTH said...

About the post.... sad, for you and her.

a girl said...

that was lovely