Sunday, November 23, 2008

one wedding and a funereal date...

Last Friday I went to a wedding; a wedding so strange I’ll blog about it another day. This post is about the strange date I had last night with the strange chick I met at the strange wedding last Friday.


At the strange wedding, we were seated next to each other during the reception function, which was held in the dining room at The Australian Museum. As soon as this strange chick saw she was sitting next to me, she put her hand excitedly over her mouth and squealed, ‘OMG, it’s you !!!’
You see, twenty minutes earlier, before being seated for dinner at the strange wedding, all the guests had been milling around drinking champagne in a small ante-room off to the side of the dining room. This room contained a collection of small-to-medium, generally unremarkable Australian mammals, in skeletal form, free-standing on slightly-raised plinths. I had been carrying two drinks back from the bar, wearing my splendid black-tie best, when I clipped an unseen plinth, stumbled…and went ass-over-glass into an Australian fur seal, bringing the entire collection of bones down around me.
Anyway, after recognizing me as the strange boy responsible for dismantling the fur seal, the strange chick and I spent a lovely evening chatting…at the end of which we arranged to have a more intimate dinner on Sunday night.
So, last night we met at a very trendy new wine bar in Surry Hills, which considering how well things had gone at the strange wedding, should have been nothing more than a formality prior to my taking her home and dismantling her fur seal…so to speak.
Except that it didn’t turn out that way at all.
About thirty minutes into the date, I asked the strange chick ‘where she was from’, because although her accent was obviously Australian, her appearance was decidedly Oriental, with perhaps a touch of something else. Never mind that this blend of features is just about my favourite anyway, I simply wanted to enquire as to her ethnic origins. A very close girl friend of mine, whom I dated briefly in Tokyo before settling for a long term friendship instead, once confided that enduring a first date with me was like being ‘Clarissa Starling’ to ‘Dr Hannibal Lechter’ in their initial prison conversation from ‘The Silence of the Lambs’.
In hindsight, I wish to fuck I’d asked her what her star sign was now.
'What do you mean “where am I from”…,’ she snapped back.
‘I just mean what’s your…er…um…lineage…you know…’
‘I’m a fucking Australian, just like you…born and bred here, mate.’

‘Yes, I can see that (I couldn’t actually)…but obviously I wasn’t referring to your place of birth as much as I was asking about your ancestry.’
‘Well, if you must know…my father was American and my mother was Indonesian…’

And then it came to me…perhaps the most devastatingly clever line ever delivered on a date anywhere in human history, although I won’t take credit for its invention, because I heard the joke many years ago…but I’d guarantee no one has ever had the opportunity to deliver it, unforced, in a social situation such as this.
‘So, I guess that makes you an Amnesian…’
At this point I fully expected her to sweep the food and wine off the table, climb on top of it, hike her skirt up round her ears, lay back and spread her charms before me like an Amnesian banquet.
Except that it didn’t turn out that way at all.

*crickets*

*huge ferris-wheel-sized tumbleweeds*

‘What??’
‘It’s a joke…you know…because your father is American and….’
‘Yes, I see what you’re getting at…but I don’t think it’s very amusing at all.’
‘Oh, come on…it’s pretty amusing.’
‘Well, not to me.’


Sensing that the situation was rapidly spiraling out of control, I went for the Hail Mary play.
‘Well could you at least pretend to be an Amnesian and forget this whole conversation ever happened??’
At last she smiled; it was then I knew my strange-boyish good-humour had finally broken through the impenetrable force-field the strange chick from the strange wedding had spent the last two minutes erecting. The food and wine was about to go flying. It was climbing time, hiking time, laying, spreading and banqueting time…
Except that it didn’t turn out that way at all.
Still smiling…
‘I think I’d like to go home now.’
‘Yes, that’s probably a good idea…’


Some days I wish I was a fucking Amnesian…

90 comments:

sparsely kate said...

At least you didn't DO a Hannibal Lectar and whisper, "I can smell your c**t"

I once had a boyfriend say that to me on a date and it was awkward to say the least.


Oh, I wish the girl would have lightened up!! You were being funny - no harm in that. I ask people all the time what nationality they are...it's just a human-interest sort of question.

Fanny F said...

And I bet she had small hands too ...

Josh said...

Make up your mind, you either want to be fucking an Amnesian or you want to be a fucking Amnesian.

Try and do both and you will end up head to toe in tattoos like Leonard in Memento.

the projectivist said...

Amnesian!!!

Oh Fingers McDandy - she sounds completely cardboard. boring. bland.

i was rooting for her downfall as soon as you let us know she was a squealer.

surry hills is nice. posh git.
did she go you halves in the meal?

La Femme said...

Smooth moves.

I now understand the effort you are putting in to the cat's birthday party.

fingers said...

SK: Actually, that wasn't Lechter, it was Meeks who said those immortal words. Then Lechter talked him into swallowing his own tongue. Still, it's an extremely brave/foolish line to utter on a date from further than half a metre away...

Fanny: They were; it's a tragedy.

Josh: It's so much cooler than IndoAmerican, which is apparently the normal classification. And who the fuck is Leonard ?? He sounds like a real cunt...

tp: Yeah she was a bit user unfriendly for someone like me. That's my weakness; form over substance. And we'd only racked up a $27 before the party ended, so I took it like a man.

laF: Not enough 'o's in smooooooth to describe my dating technique. I remember another promising meeting going sadly astray, when the chick said she wasn't sure about women having drugs during childbirth...but that until she experienced it, she wasn't going to sit in judgement. I suggested she go home and stick a #7 frozen chicken up her nose and see if that hurt. We finished our meal but it turned out to be our last. Go figure...

phishez said...

Jeesus Fingers. It was MIGGS who said that. Who the fuck was Meeks?

Oh, and Miggs was convinced to swallow his tongue because he sprayed Clarice with come, Lecter enjoyed her discomfort at what was spoken.

I hope you didn't try to charm her that way.

Kylie ... said...

Actually, it's Hannibal Lecter.

LECTER. Without the 'H' between the 'C' and the 'T'.

You can't blame me for seizing the opportunity to point that out, by the way - you so rarely make that kind of error.

Also, "the strange chick" appears to be totally devoid of any sense of humour. I thought it was hilarious, but then it doesn't really take that much to amuse me.

fingers said...

Phish: You are 100% correct. It was Miggs; I always call him Meeks for some reason. And you're also correct about the come spraying. There's nothing I enjoy more than being corrected on my own blog. I'm getting absolutely sick and tired of my mistakes. Now, come closer to the bars and I'll show you some real appreciation.

Kylie: Oh goody. An error in fact and NOW a spelling mistake brought to my attention. I'm really all over the place at the moment...like a bull in a spoon shop. Next thing you know I'll be mixing metaphors...

Kylie ... said...

Poor Fingers! Errors, spelling mistakes. What next, pray tell?

"like a bull in a spoon shop"

Love it and am claiming it as my own.

I told you it doesn't take much to amuse me.

Jen said...

What's not funny about that?! Humourless bitch. I hope you didn't pay for her drink.

Ms Smack said...

I am not convinced that Lecter enjoyed Migg's throwing his sperm on Clarice, because he KILLED the sperm-thrower before Clarice visited again, as a gift for her and to show Miggs some respect...

Gotta love that dedication.

Although I can see the funny side of this story, I'm going to say that this poor girl probably gets all sorts of generalised comments.

Now honey, I know you've got a thing for the asian honeys, and that's your thing, but maybe get to know them first, cover them all things sparkly before you test their sense of humour with your unique sense of humour...

dunno.. just sayin'

Clyde said...

Geez, first date and you have displayed your boyish charms and your renowwned humour only to be rebuffed.
Should have got your dick out to see if you could at least get a chuckle

Bad Bob said...

Was your next line, "I suppose a blow job might be out of the question?"

She is not your type and probably sleeps with an ice pick under her pillow anyway. I'll bet her cousin was the hooker in the episode with "The Brain".

xl said...

Yeah, the joke/crickets combo is really deadly.

Memphis Steve said...

Well, I thought it was pretty funny, which should tell you something about that joke.

I dated a string of Asian girls for awhile. It was sort of an accident, but for various reasons there are a lot of them in my hometown in North Alabama. Anyway, I finally had to conclude that Asian girls are mostly crazy and move on to Norwegian girls. They were hot, but quickly realized that they could do better than a Scotish-Cherokee boy so they kept dumping me. In the end I wound up married to an Italian-German-black girl. Every time we argue I'm taking on the three meanest lines of women in the history of the world.

No sense dating a girl with no sense of humor. Sooner of later you stop trying to laugh with her and just start laughing at her. And then the shooting starts.

Cat said...

LOL!!! Well it was funny - she just a good sense of humor!

I bet she woulda been a bore in bed too.

:p

sparsely kate said...

Ok fingers, it's clear that you and I both need a bit of Silence and the Lambs education. :)


Oh and the guy that said that dirty line to me? We were sitting at a beach in Frankston (?!?!) and he whispered it into my ear but I was sure it was just the fresh sea salty air the rotting fish he could smell.... naturally.

unique_stephen said...

A fossil like you shouldn't feel out of place in a fossil hall. But don;t loose heart - I just read you aloud to my staff and I can vouch that at least one gay Chinese coder who, contra to certain biological constraints, such as lacking a womb (he is a he) would like to try and make the baby with you.

sparsely kate said...

Unique Stephen thanks for my big big laughs. Ho ho ho, how I laughed.

travistee said...

I just knew I wasn't your type! *sniff*

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...um, I though someone that was amnesian was somneone with amnesia.

Hey maybe she forgot?

Sweetie..I don't know what to tell you...I figured it like you...I thought she would hike her dresss up, drop her panties and wrap her legs around your head. But that's me...ya know. That's what I did when someone used that very same joke on me...hehehe.

I thought it was funny.

So I guess you didn't get to that other joke...PULL MY FINGER. :D

Sweetie...babe, you have a fab Tuesday.

Ciao honey...

Oh and I had to look that word (tribadism) up...I love it. It kind of makes it less pervy. hehehe.

fingers said...

Kylie: I'd rather keep the bulls/spoons metaphor and give you the 'Amnesian' gag instead. I won't be needing that one anymore.

Jen: I got clipped for a glass of NZ pinot and a plate of antipasto. Not a fatal blow.

Smack: Well whose sense of humour shall I test them with; Clyde's ??

Clyde: Yes, champagne comedy there, Groucho.

BB: You've been flying at altitiude without your oxygen mask on, havent' you ??

xl: Sure is...*crickets*.

MS: I like that collective noun for Asian girls. A string. So much classier than a poon.

Cat: Hard to tell. I'm funny as fuck but crap in bed, so there's really no correlation.

SK: Boy, this story gets better every minute.

US: That's sweet of you to read aloud to your staff. They must be a bright lot.

SK: Laugh it up, Fish Flaps.

Trav: You'd hate being my type...

Jen said...

That deserves a snog, at the least.

rage said...

Would you like a little starch for that shirt Ms. Amnesian?

I think I would have enjoyed stabbing myself in the arm with a screwdriver than deal with that woman.

*~Dani~* said...

She's a dud. That was a perfectly funny joke. I would have at least smiled. Who am I kidding? I would have laughed and you would have won my heart, or something like that...

Kylie ... said...

Oh no you don't, Mister!

I don't want 'The Amnesian Gag'. It's all yours.

I'm keeping the bull/spoon metaphor and you can't stop me because I have the spoons. Remember?

Also, what is 'altitiude'? Oh, you meant ALTITUDE, but you're having loads of trouble with your words at the moment.

I forgot.

fingers said...

Jen: That's a sweet offer. Thanks.

Rage: I forgot to take my screwdriver that evening so I had no choice.

Dani: You married chicks don't put up much fight, do you...:)

Kylie: And if I were a real bastard, I'd have told you that 'any way' and 'anyway' are entirely different kettles of bulls...

Kylie ... said...

Good thing you aren't a real bastard then, isn't it?

When exactly did I confuse 'any way' with 'anyway'?

Feel entirely free to correct this abominable error of mine when and if the need arises. Don't hold back now!

fingers said...

Kylie: Well, given my love for sarcasm, perhaps your last post might be a good place to start looking, Webster...

Kylie ... said...

Yeah, yeah. I have already located and corrected said heinous spelling error!

It's probably a good thing you didn't correct me on that particular occasion. There's a very good chance you may have wound up on the wrong end of the spoon!

Bad Bob said...

Nope no Oxygen yet, but I have not been able to get high enough to see both oceans either.

Memphis Steve said...

We don't measure girls in 'poons' in Alabama. A poon is something we try to get a piece of, as in "got me some poon-tang the other night. Now I'm all itchy down there." Sometimes we just call it 'tang', which is ironic considering this is the Rocket City and Tang is what they drank on the flight to the moon. Mmm mmm, Tang!

What would the the Aussie term for a succession of girlfriends, all of similar heritage to each other? Wait, if I ask you you'll just take it as an opening for another joke. I need to ask Unique Stephen. He'll actually tell me. Then I'll come back here and act like I knew all along.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...um. You're ignoring me.

I take the time to read your funny fab post and...I even comment.

*Cries*

EmmaK said...

poor baby...
and there was you being a real gent for once and saying, "tonight I will rely on my wit and not the Rohypnol." Backfired, didn't it?

Memphis Steve said...

You skipped Spiky, apparently 'cause you were writing your witty reply novel as she was leaving an additional comment.

Steph said...

Clearly she had a mild sense of humour, she agreed to date you after all. :p

Having said that, she should have been fecking honoured to be in your presence, and she's a total douchewagon for being so precious!

You should have taken a sharp corner on the Vespa and sent her flying!!

Sweet Cheeks said...

She's better off in the 'Chuck Bucket' as I say. In hindsight, I guess you could have jumped up and shouted "I don't accept money for sex!" and then stormed out.

fingers said...

Kylie: Yes, you're very scary. Like a Mintie.

BB: Really ?? You seem pretty high to me.

MS: In Australia the base unit of chick is a 'kylie'. There's ten 'kylies' to a 'steph'...and ten 'stephs' to a 'slag', which is as high as the system goes.

Spiker: Sorry baby. You snuck in while I was commenting. Maybe I am an Amnesian after all ??

Emmak: You know, if I'd had any Rohypnol, I'd have slipped it in my own drink.

Steph: Yeah, she'll look back on this night in years to come and realise she missed catching that big red ball.

SC: Welcome to TWG. As an introductory offer, I'm going to let you empty my bucket...

Steph said...

And to think I was being NICE to you for once, and actually making a comment on the post!!!

Pah to that! Bite my arse!

benediction said...

I can't help but notice the string of bad date posts...... here's wishing you score on the boat this summer!

fingers said...

Steph: Oh now I'm all ashamed. That was a nice thing you said, baby. I guess I just find it hard to take a compliment. I adore you for trying though. You are truly one of my favourite people in the whole world. And to prove it, I am re-doing the system. There's now ten 'kylies' to a 'slag'...and ten 'slags' to a 'steph'. You're top of my heap...

fingers said...

bene: Well, someone has to balance out the unbelievably good run you're having lately in the romance stakes...

electro-kevin said...

She sounds like a bitch.

Now - having said that - you'll probably get married.

This is how I've lost so many of my mates. Slagging off the very women they end up married to.

But I'm always right. They do turn out to be bitches and the blokes end up completely emasculated and boring.

Memphis Steve said...

You have ten Stephs over there? I'll be right there!





The Vespa cracks are still funny.

Steph said...

Now that's better............I think.
Even Archimedes would have trouble understanding that!

Bo Bo said...

I would have continued the silence of the lambs theme when she asked to go home. I could see you standing over a dirt hole in your basement saying “It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again”

xl said...

Since the system has been re-structured, what is the "steph" to "AU$" exchange rate today?

fingers said...

E-K: Have no fear E-K, that will never happen to us. It doesn't matter what you say about my future exes, coz I've never liked you anyway.

MS: Yes, I have ten 'stephs'. Here. Now. And they won't stop going down on one another either.

Steph: You are Fermat's love child.

BooBoo: Well, stop looking into my basement then, you rude cunt.

xl: One 'steph' equals a brazillian $AUD...

Bo Bo said...

He’s calling me a rude cunt...Fingers....is calling ME....a rude cunt....So how black is the kettle, pot?

surfercam said...

hahahahaha
Great work mate. Wish I had been your wing-man that night.

Kitty said...

what a bore.

i didn't get offended when you called me a fat wog, did i baby?!

my advice? stick with the fat wogs (me) and you'll be up to your armpits in pussy.

fo shooooooooooo

Memphis Steve said...

I think with the current exchange rate and today's slight rise in the market I just might be able to raise one brazillian $AUD. So let's see, I could either buy my Australian citizenship OR I could buy one steph. Do you think they'd throw in a Vespa with a steph?

Jayne said...

Funnily enough Fingers, I'm sorely tempted to believe every bloody word of this post, cos only an UC like you could pull it off!

electro-kevin said...

"Have no fear E-K, that will never happen to us. It doesn't matter what you say about my future exes, coz I've never liked you anyway."

Good. because the chances are I've had them before you and widened them up quite a bit - it always causes tensions at the wedding breakfast.

"Pass the sugar, Sugar !" knowing wink at the bride. Gets them going every time.

Kylie ... said...

BULLSHIT!

Everyone knows the base unit of currency is a 'Fingers' and there's ten 'Fingers' to an 'Arsehole'.

La Femme said...

I can't possibly understand what went wrong there. Maybe you should have offered to lovingly aid her in the experiment.

xl said...

Good Kylie, thanks for the info. I am never asking for my change back!

Memphis Steve said...

Kylie, I think he's actually talking about the other Kylie as the base unit, especially since she leads to a Steph, or rather, a steph. The steph was recently adopted as the official currency in Brazil, where Brazilians pay several brazillian stephs each month for online porn from Australia. I hear there's a website featuring Steph and Kylie doing naughty things on a boat while some guy called Mr. Fingers sits in a chair with a drink in his hand and tells them what he wants to see them do. Rumor has it they're adding a third girl named Tina to the show next month. I can hardly wait. I mean, I hear people in Brazil can hardly wait.

Les Miserable said...

"I think I'd like to go home now" - does that mean 1/ you threw her on the back of the Vespa? 2/ called her a cab? or 3/ said "do you like sex and travel?" (well fuck off)

Kylie said...

Differentiate between the Kylie's you knob!
You could NEVER afford me.

fingers said...

BooBoo: Sorry mate. Force of habit. Cunt.

SC: I don't normally take back-up on dates, but I appreciate the offer, Ice.

Kitty: I'm not sure I'd like to be up to my armpits in fat, wog pussy, Pooks.

MS: Why get a 'steph' when you can have 100 'kylies' for the same price ??

Jiney: Are you saying I might be fibbing, Grandma Hog ?? I've a good mind to come over there and stick a potato on your exhaust pipe.

E-K: Hahaha, remember that scene in Four Weddings when Hugh Grant gets caught on the table with all his exes. Fuck I love that movie.

Kylie: Oops. Someone has the bull by the wrong horns there, baby.

laF: Yeah, that move was a real deal-breaker.

xl: This currency gag is certainly gaining momentum.

MS: I'm going to allow you to put the dunce cap on Good Kylie for that.

Lombay: I wish I'd called her a cab instead of an Amnesian...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: That's okay sweets. You have so many commenters. It's almost as fun reading what they have to say as it is reading you.

It's wild here. Okay this is how I picture it at TWG. You...in a circus lion trainer's outfit looking fab...a chair in one hand and in the other hand a whip. And the whip goes out and...SNAP!

Ooooo...and you know I just love whips. More please. :)

Hey is that bo bo? See...it all comes together here.

Ciao honey...have a fab day.

fingers said...

Kylie: Hi baby...you're out early. I thought they could hold you for 30 days under the order...

Kitty said...

you certainly enjoyed it last time i inflitrated cunt point.

you cuuuuuuuuuuuunt

Memphis Steve said...

Does anyone really think I could handle 100 Kylies? Seriously, I think it might just fall off. I mean, I guess I could try as long as she's back and in top form.

Kylie ... said...

FYI - I am MUCH scarier than a Mintie. MUCH SCARIER!

unique_stephen said...

Oh I don't know Kylie - can you suck out a filling? - happened to me last time I sucked on a Mintie.

( . )( . ) said...

Very clever line fingers. Very clever indeed. Sour puss though she needs a sense of humour.

I once had a man ask me if I was from boobonia, where large breasted girls roam freely. My boyfriend beat him up.

Steph said...

Well she's scaring ME!!

Kylie ... said...

Stephen the Unique - No, sadly I cannot suck a filling out. Although I'm pretty sure I dig one out with my trusty spoon.

Are you offering to volunteer? I have my weapon of choice at the ready!

Regulus said...

Well, had you taken me on that date, Fingers, I would've found your comments funny.

Seriously, though, if she was that intense, accusatory, and so ready to take PC offense, then this relationship probably didn't have a lot of promise. As it is, she seems to have taken that initial liking to you for an odd reason.

While I'm -- doubly -- in no position to give advice about dating women, I think you're well to focus your energies elsewhere.

Fanny F said...

Is it your birthday today? Are you now officially the world's oldest person, esp. now that Edna Parker has passed on?

fingers said...

Kitty: You're like a nympho John Nash.

MS: I had to read that ten times before I realised what you were on about. There's five minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Kylie: Yes, I'm sure you're a real terror.

US: As Nietzsche said, 'When you suck on a Mintie, remember the Mintie sucks back.'

(.)(.): Boobonia. Very clever. Far subtler than the Amnesian gag.

Steph: But you're a pussy.

Reg: Thanks mate. That certainly gives me something to cling to while I'm crashing and burning on these crappy hetero dates.

F: Why thank you, Fanny. Yes, I've got an episode of 'Paleoworld' dedicated to me now...

Memphis Steve said...

Yeah, speaking of the five minutes of your life you wasted because of me, do you know how sometimes people on the blog do those meme things, like "seven lame-assed things about me because I'm such a narcissist"? Yeah? Well, TAG!

Steph said...

Happy Birthday you wrinkly old prick.

I heart you much.

xxx

Memphis Steve said...

Oh yeah, and happy birthday and all that.

Nobody ever tells me these things.

xl said...

[another lame fingers-esque attempt]


You're not getting better, you're getting older, cnut.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

sweetie babe...you missed me again.

I'm just above your finger...go up to the next Spiky Zora Jones comment. That's the one you missed...again.

I can see how you would miss me though, there's lots of action here at Finger's circus..

Happy Lezzer day...and as for the parade, can I ride on your float?

Ciao honey.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers...why is everyone wishing you a Happy Birthday? Was it your Birthday?

And if it was, why didn't you say so? I would have popped out of a cake for you. :D

So that should make you...like early forty-ish. 43...I'm right, huh?

Well sweetie...Happy Birthday Day!

Ciao honey.

Bad Bob said...

Hey Fingers,
Could you swing by Bundaberg West in Queensland and pick up a starter for me from Jabiru Aircraft?
Thanks,
Just kidding. I have no earthly idea where that is, but I do know that Oz is a very big place.
Bob

Memphis Steve said...

Hey, if you're picking up starters for people for your birthday I could use a good AC Delco for my 1970 Chevelle. Get me a high torque unit, will you, for a big block Chevy? All we have nearby is a stupid AutoZone, which is a shit place that you should be glad doesn't have any stores in Oz 'cause they suck. Yeah yeah, I'll wire the money. I just need the starter so I can take this bitch out for a run.

Ms Smack said...

Did you watch Beautiful Mind too? LOL

Happy birthday, sexy-legs.

x

Kelly said...

You should send her a photo of you blowing your new guy, as revenge.

Lemme know how that works.

Bad Bob said...

Birthday??? Have a gutful of piss for me.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: Okay...where did the circus move to?

Hello...hello...hello.

Where are you?

Come home honey. The kids are asking for you. Why Tiny Tim asked. "Mummy...mummy."

"Yes sweetie."

"Did daddy run off to the circus again?"

"No honey...he's off on a secret mission for the government."

I almost believed it myself.

Come home sweetie...for the kids. And I promise...I won't ask you to do a meme. :D

Tom Gaylord said...

Amnesian?

Rhahahahahaha!

Memphis Steve said...

I've gone door to door here in Aussie Bloggerland and I'm finding a lot of empty blogs. Where'd you all go?

Madam Z said...

I have a suggestion for you. On your next date, lean over to the lucky girl and whisper in her ear, "Would you like me to finger you?" She'll be on your lap in no time.

Bridget Jones said...

So you too are a pro at the 'sliding down firemen's poles' game eh! Welcome to Miss Jones' Club ha! ;)