I know some of you have done that dreary ‘meme’ lately; the one where you write letters to various people and get stuff off your chests. I’m not doing that…BUT…and I know some of the intended recipients are going to be reading this…here is an open letter to some of my friends, who attended a belated birthday lunch in my honour yesterday.
Dear S: When I un-wrapped your gift and bubbled with excitement over it, I assumed from the size of the box and a quick perusal of the front cover that you’d got me the official ‘Scrabble’ CD-ROM. It was only when I got home and opened the box I realized you’d got me a ‘Scrabble’ desk calendar. How thoughtful; like a roll of toilet paper with a joke on each square. I’m so glad I got you an ‘Alessi’ cocktail shaker for your birthday…you cheap cunt.
Dear M & G: Hope you liked the $500 espresso machine I got for your wedding last month ?? Since it’s highly unlikely you’ll be buying me a wedding present any time soon, I guess a beach towel with the colours of the Italian flag on it just about makes us even…you cheap cunts.
Dear A: A bottle of current release wine with no card; I suppose if the grog shop between your place and mine had been closed, I would have missed out completely this year ?? Perhaps I should bring my present over for dinner at your house next week and we can drink it from the ‘Waterford’ crystal wine goblet I got you for your last birthday…you cheap cunt.
Dear T: A voucher…from ‘The Body Shop’ no less. Nothing a man likes more than a $25 gift certificate from a chick’s lotion store. I’m surprised it didn’t come with a card that said ‘Have an average birthday…coz I certainly don’t give a flying fuck about it.’ How’s the deluxe pet carry-case that I got you last year working out ?? You know, the one you’d been wishing for but hadn’t got around to buying yet ?? The one I went and got and delivered…with a ribbon around it…you cheap cunt.
Dear I: I must admit…that was a nice lasagna dish you gave me. I had one, even more magnificent, by ‘Pillivuyt’, until I lent it to you last XMAS and you broke it in half by dropping it on the floor. Since your birthday is later this month, perhaps you should just come round and select a gift from my kitchen. I know you like my German carbon-steel carving knives. Take them; they’re yours. I’ll replace them with a set of Korean self-sharpening blades…you cheap cunt.
Dear N: Since I didn’t get you anything for your birthday this year, I could hardly expect something in return. Fair’s fair. It was very gracious of you to turn up yesterday with no money and allow me to buy you lunch though. I hope you’ll turn up to your own birthday next year with no money and allow me to return the favour by shouting you another meal…you cheap cunt.
Sigh…I think I’m going to wait for the post-XMAS sales in a few weeks and get myself a boxed set of ‘New Friends’. Hell, at 50% off I might even get two boxes…
PS: To everyone who attended yesterday, thanks for coming along. You know I’m just kidding…about everything except your being cheap cunts…