I know some of you have done that dreary ‘meme’ lately; the one where you write letters to various people and get stuff off your chests. I’m not doing that…BUT…and I know some of the intended recipients are going to be reading this…here is an open letter to some of my friends, who attended a belated birthday lunch in my honour yesterday.Dear S: When I un-wrapped your gift and bubbled with excitement over it, I assumed from the size of the box and a quick perusal of the front cover that you’d got me the official ‘Scrabble’ CD-ROM. It was only when I got home and opened the box I realized you’d got me a ‘Scrabble’ desk calendar. How thoughtful; like a roll of toilet paper with a joke on each square. I’m so glad I got you an ‘Alessi’ cocktail shaker for your birthday…you cheap cunt.
Dear M & G: Hope you liked the $500 espresso machine I got for your wedding last month ?? Since it’s highly unlikely you’ll be buying me a wedding present any time soon, I guess a beach towel with the colours of the Italian flag on it just about makes us even…you cheap cunts.
Dear A: A bottle of current release wine with no card; I suppose if the grog shop between your place and mine had been closed, I would have missed out completely this year ?? Perhaps I should bring my present over for dinner at your house next week and we can drink it from the ‘Waterford’ crystal wine goblet I got you for your last birthday…you cheap cunt.
Dear T: A voucher…from ‘The Body Shop’ no less. Nothing a man likes more than a $25 gift certificate from a chick’s lotion store. I’m surprised it didn’t come with a card that said ‘Have an average birthday…coz I certainly don’t give a flying fuck about it.’ How’s the deluxe pet carry-case that I got you last year working out ?? You know, the one you’d been wishing for but hadn’t got around to buying yet ?? The one I went and got and delivered…with a ribbon around it…you cheap cunt.
Dear I: I must admit…that was a nice lasagna dish you gave me. I had one, even more magnificent, by ‘Pillivuyt’, until I lent it to you last XMAS and you broke it in half by dropping it on the floor. Since your birthday is later this month, perhaps you should just come round and select a gift from my kitchen. I know you like my German carbon-steel carving knives. Take them; they’re yours. I’ll replace them with a set of Korean self-sharpening blades…you cheap cunt.
Dear N: Since I didn’t get you anything for your birthday this year, I could hardly expect something in return. Fair’s fair. It was very gracious of you to turn up yesterday with no money and allow me to buy you lunch though. I hope you’ll turn up to your own birthday next year with no money and allow me to return the favour by shouting you another meal…you cheap cunt.
Sigh…I think I’m going to wait for the post-XMAS sales in a few weeks and get myself a boxed set of ‘New Friends’. Hell, at 50% off I might even get two boxes…
PS: To everyone who attended yesterday, thanks for coming along. You know I’m just kidding…about everything except your being cheap cunts…
83 comments:
I'd like to know why I wasn't invited? Just for that, I'm going to give you a birthday present...
Ooooh, how exciting.
Are you giving me your PAYPAL link by any chance ??
The gift that keeps on taking...
What a bunch of fucking leaches. I’m surprised they didn’t cart out the catholic priest who robbed you of your childhood in an attempt to give you your innocence back. Probably wouldn’t wrap that either.
Congratulations on making another successful rotation around the sun. I almost feel bad about playing you in my death pool.
Happy Birthday! Can I be your friend? You give good gifts. Your taste in friends, on the other hand, not so good. Boo to them!
ah fingers, you underestimate me! :(
... just as dreary. yawn.
... oh and by the way, I was the first one to remember your birthday here in blog land. And you didn't even invite me.
Hey Happy Birthday for the other week or so ago!
I think I would be one of your more 'budget conscious' friends. A tray of homemade caramel slice is about all I could have rustled up.
It's the thought that counts, right? right!
So, Steph got you a Scrabble desk calendar? You know, sometimes it sucks being the richest person you know. This is probably why most upper upper people only hobnob with other upper uppers - the awesome birthday presents. That, and not having to use your boat for every single outing. Oh, and apparently the sex is more exciting because there are really, really good drugs involved.
Clearly I learned all of this from watching television, but it's probably true. Happy Birthday.
deC: The abusive e-mails have started already. At least they show some of the passion that was sadly lacking in the present-giving/card-writing.
Dani: No. As Seinfeld observed, after 40 a man has all the friends he needs. Only a death in the group opens the door after that.
Bene: I certainly hope so for your sake.
Fanny: Yes, but those bongos of yours didn't have candles on them like Kitty's did.
SK: No, that's something poor people say. Like the crap about winning not being important.
MS: No, actually Steph sent me her own home-made calendar. I haven't managed to get past Snatchuary yet...
Mate, they deserve Nothing
From that same site. Now This is a really crappy gift.
I'd fit in with your friends really well. Especially N. With boobs like mine, I can't help but get free meals/drinks/sex whenever I want...
Well then, who can I kill off?
Nice meme.
If I had known we were having a party, I could have given you a ride in the plane. Then we could have had drinks from the large bottle of Gray Goose Reserve I have for you.
Oh geez, if you wanted to recover some of your losses in this market you might try offering that for sale on Ebay. I heard a rumor that some creepy bloggers would pay a high price for a calendar like that. And by 'creepy bloggers' I meant in addition to myself.
Worse than a cheap new gift...getting re-gifted. The person never used your gift...It's new and still in the box. They don't remember you gave it to them and give it right back to you. What a cheap cunt! Happy Belated Birthday to you Fingers!
Oh goody...a meme. And yes...I mean that. You did a meme. I can't believe it.
Sweetie...babe, that sucks. Honey...dump those loo-oo-zers! I would have given you something really awesome. A two week Mediterranean cruise with a hugeroom, huge bed, sliding door view of the sea. With stops in Spain, Italy, Greece, Crete. But you have to share the room with someone...um, not to worry I don't take up much of the bed. :D
Oh and if I had been invited to your birthday party, I would have sang Happy Birthday to you after jumping out of a big Birthday cake. hehehe.
If anything...always remember when receiving gifts...NEVER go by the box. hehehe.
fingers, I have to say...you are such a good meme do-er...do-er is a word, right? Anyway, you didn't tag anybody. What a nice guy. See...and that's why I love you.
Ciao sweetie. I like your meme.
Lombay: At least that would have been an honest slap to my face.
laF: Fuck that. They could have given me nicer gifts and I'd still be better than them...plus I'd have nice gifts.
Phish: My friends; take them, they're all yours.
Dani: Wow, you must have even shittier friends if you're that keen on being mine.
xl: It's not really a meme. I just used the premise to work up the gag.
Clyde: Hey...I can't spend their friendship...you cheap cunt.
Josh: If I was an economy, I'd be eligible for a bailout by now.
BB: Awesome. A ride in a home-made plane with a drunken pilot. Just what I've always wanted.
MS: It's in the new, digital 'Hi Def Steph' format too.
SC: Ha ha, I love that episode of Seinfeld too. You know when they talk about how to tell a crappy present by whether the recipient repeats the name of it after they open it. Well, this was me:
'Ooh, a beach towel...'
'Ooh, a calendar...'
'Ooh, an ashtray made from a coconut shell...'
'Ooh, nothing...'
Spiker: It's not a meme. Anyway, talk's cheap. I'm dumping the loo-oo-zers and getting a lezzer next year...
Ah, but their frienship could be worth anything---
Hey, I'm not cheap----a cunt yes, but not cheap.
Hope you get to celebrate another one next year
finger...yeah baby...you dump those Loo-oo-zers.
What! You're getting a lezzer next time...me...me. Pick me. I know there's others, but I'm fun and know my way around boats.
Hey where do I get a big cake there. Oh, my...what should I wear? Um, or should that be...what shouldn't I wear.
I'll worry about that next year. hehehe...tomorrow is another day.
I have to get going. have a wonderful Tuesday...sweetie.
Ciao honey.
So glad you liked the plaster cast of my bongos that I sent you for your birthday. I presume you liked them because I notice you didn't call me a cheap cunt in your meme.
hmmm...
i can see you're one of those imaginative types who takes careful note (probably in a little moleskine diary specifically for that purpose) of peoples likes and dislikes when gift-buying.
how thoughtful.
but you must be a nightmare to buy for - who on earth would not be happy to have received a Scrabble desk calendar?!
hmm.
You need some new friends with better shopping skills. Must have been a frightful lunch..;-)
Wow.
Maybe you should get these people cheaper gifts from now on ... the Australian product equivalent of Lee Press-On Nails and a toaster from your local big box retail store. And you can justify it on the grounds we are going into economic depression (well, at least here in the U.S.)
Save your nice gifts for those who will appreciate them.
Otherwise, remember that the joy of giving is just that -- giving -- with no expectation in return. Not.
I had no idea it was your birthday. Well that's not entirely true, since I read Kitty's blog and she had candles aflame on her boobs in celebration of the occasion.
Nevertheless, it seems you should have taken a rule out of my book.
What you should have done is given everyone a list of things you wanted for your birthday and have everyone fight amongst themselves regarding who was getting you what.
In my experience this vastly decreases the disappointment factor.
But that's just me. Perhaps you WANTED something to whine about?
I may be poor, but I'm definitely NOT cheap. My stringent budget comes in very handy for occasions such as this.
For example, the mother is getting a very expensive platter from Tiffany & Co for Christmas (amongst other things). I'll probably have to resuscitate her afterward, but it will be worth it.
Had I known about your birthday in a timely fashion and had an address to forward my gift to ... I think you may have been pleasantly surprised.
Happy Birthday you old ungrateful bastard! xxx
Happy Birthday baby....you know how much I love to please men and you in general...I want to please you so bad...so whatever you want under $1000 is yours....one proviso: I will not be a drug mule
WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU CANTANKEROUS OLD GIT?
Oh, how sad. Really sad.
I wish you a belated "Happy Birthday" and so sorry to hear about the cheap ass friends.
Nothing say's "the economy has hit the shitter" like cheap friends.
I only hope that you take this as a example and not put out as much as you get.
I know some say it's not about receiving, but giving. But, there truly comes a time that is really crap when they can afford it and don't.
I don't think of myself as "Richer", but more fortunate then my friends, but I have the exact same "Cheap" friends as you. Sometimes I think it's because I might make more or have more, but really why does that matter.
OK, I know I wasn't there, but you know I'm constantly bugging the hell out of someone who was, so I like to think I was there in spirit, giving you a pack of gum and a coupon for $5 off the buffet at your lock Choke and Puke. I just have to laugh about all the comments from well-meaning people who are slamming your cheap friends for doing you so wrong. I'll bet you had the time of your life.
P.S. High Def Steph sounds awesome! Does it come with 3D glasses?
Clyde: Yes...and rainbows have magical healing powers too.
Spiker: Talk's cheap. Get baking.
Fanny: Baby, I'd swap my desk calendar AND the coconut-shell ashtray for a set of those.
TP: Seriously, I'd rather get nothing than a gift that says, 'Shit, I have no fucking idea who you are or what you like.'
Fifi: Lunch was lovely. My friends are fabulous. They're just cheap, unimaginative cunts. I'm going to return the favour in the next twelve months.
Reg: Oh fuck on the joy of giving. It hasn't worked for me so far. I'm going to try the joy of taking for a while.
Rack: I thought a birthday register was a bit tacky, however after seeing some of the gifts, I've re-defined my idea of what constitutes tackiness.
Kyile: Well that's no good to me. What would I moan about if I got really good presents. Fuck, does no one understand me ??
Emmak: '...I want to please you so bad...'. Music to my ears, you utter hornbag. Can you come round and wash my boat down this weekend, please ??
Cat: Ahem, still waiting for that jet-ski, Santa Cat.
MS: Haha, yeah I noticed that too. My poor, wonderful, thoughtless, treasured, cheap, irreplaceable, inconsiderate friends are really cooping a pasting here...
sorry about the delay in commenting smoopie darling, i've been reclined on the chaise, watching the birthday gift i bought for you.
but decided to, you know, keep.
mwah!
E-K: Mate, how can I possibly ask for presents from a UK resident ?? Next thing you know, my World Vision spades will be sending ME money this XMAS.
Kitty: I presume you got me a full-length mirror then, you vain old trollop...
That's fantastic Fingers.
I'm glad I wasn't invited to your party, although you would have loved the 3-pack of XXX pornos I had lined up for you...
fingers sweetie. Oh I have two cakes for you. One I pop out of...I'll even let you pick the outfit...or lack of. The other cake is a cupcake...just for you.
I was thinking navy theme. And making sure Pallalo (Hair consultant) will be able to do me (my hair) next year before your birthday. I'm sure he will...It's important to me and he's like my bitch and love me. heheh. We're good friends. So I can be all dolled up when popping out of that cake. Yay!
Yes Finges sweetie...I'm off to bake. Cio honey.
no baby! i got all the porns we made together put on a dvd....
and mailed a copy to surfercam...
SC: It was a close call with your invite, mate. Real close.
Spiker: Don't forget to put hundreds and thousands on your pink bits.
Kitty: Hope he likes GeezerPorn.
Steph: It's OK, Princess. That wasn't really a marshmallow I was letting you eat out of my jeans either...so we're even...
Wow, you're wang is soft AND small. That's quite the admission.
Never mind, they say good things come in small packages.....or some rubbish like that. Haaaaaaaahaha!
Steph: It's quite an admission on your part too. And FYG, my wang might be soft BUT it only looks small in comparison with that T-Rex gob of yours...
You continue to disappoint me. You didn't even correct my your/you're grammar stuff up!
You're slipping old man, and not just on your own bum seepage!!
Steph: I was taught never to correct a lady's grammar after you'd just come in her mouth, peasant...
Actually, since I heard you give such wonderful gifts, I was going to send you a wedding invitation.
Only I have to find a groom first...
because i would rather receive no gift at all than to receive some crapshit that i will never use, i refrain from cheap cunts altogether.
i suggest doing the same.
:)
Good taste in presents, poor taste in friends... but then friendship ain't just about the material stuff right? ;)
What's written on your finger btw? I can't see, it's too small.
"E-K: Mate, how can I possibly ask for presents from a UK resident ?? Next thing you know, my World Vision spades will be sending ME money this XMAS."
Ouch. Sadly you are correct.
The socialists have brought us to the brink of bankruptcy ... yet again. (They did this to us in the '70s and my insipid campaign avatar is a deliberate allusion to the poorly state of our nation.)
Beware those who come espousing:
- penal reform
- welfare for all
- uncontrolled immigration
- the mockery of conservatism
- environmentalism
- redistribution of wealth
- a hatred of National pride and identity ...
These aren't cheap cunts ... they're very expensive cunts.
(Britain will be utterly eviscerated in the coming depression - the implosion in law and order which follows is going to be spectacular)
EK is depressing me with his description of the probable future we face here in the Divided States of America, but not as much as all the really weird sex talk between you and Steph. I feel like I need to gouge something out - my eyes, my ears, I don't know what, but these images need to be removed from my brain.
Hey "Big Daddy" Im still waiting on my First Class Tickets to Aussie land........Whats up with that?
Bene: Excellent, there should be quite a bit in the present kitty by then.
Jane: You're very wise for a 12 year old.
BJ: Welcome to TWG. Please choose an introductory gift from the $5 shelf.
E-K: Cheers mate. You should write birthday cards for a living.
MS: Geez, what kept you ?? We thought you might have been trapped under a piece of furniture.
Cat: Tickets ?? Plural ?? Are you bringing friends...
Memphis - I missed that from Steph, "Slips on his own bum seepage ..."
Quality.
Fingers - I didn't used to write birthday cards but I did used to design biscuits.
I worked for Huntley and Palmer but before them I worked for McVitties - I got made redundant (sacked) over an altercation about the Chimpy Cheese Specials. I was adamant that we could save millions by having a scissor cut edging (less biscuit required) - they agreed but felt that the market appeal and therefore demand would outweigh any economic saving. My professional judgment was brought into doubt and I didn't like it - it showed at the next board meeting where I chinned the EO's son (head accountant).
I joined the police and spent the next four years beating the travelling public up after that.
Messages of joy just ain't my thang.
Actually, I find 12 year olds to be wiser than most adults.
I too am more pathetic now than when I was 12 years old.
Thank you for the grand compliment; however, I feel that I am not esteemed enough to receive such amiable flattery.
But you my friend are truly as wise as a child. I admire you greatly.
"Deep meaning often lies in childish plays. Every true genius is bound to be naive."
Isn't the mere astonishing fact that you somehow 'have' friends enough present for you?
What did you want? A small state?
Happy Birthday,Fingers.
You know... there is a strip club near me called The Body Shop. That would have been a much more interesting gift card...
OH, btw... Happy Belated Birthday to my future baby daddy...
Well fingers, I didn't know it was your birthday, and it sucks that you got crappy gifts from people who you obviously have given better gifts to less you've received.
So, having said that........
Happy Birthday...hopefully next year those f'n guys will think of something better to give you?
Next year I’m going to buy you one of those electric chair numbers that you can ride up and down stairs. It will be perfect for getting around your geriatric love liar.
We? WE? What, is she over at your house typing this? I hadn't noticed that the whole conversation was rapid fire, with only enough time for one person to log off and the other to log on and type their reply between them. Man, you two are KILLING ME.
I have got 81 presents from the pound store... I am hoping most of the return gifts are worth more.
Fingers...sweetie babe. Hundreds and thousands on the pink bits. Got it. I've always wanted to go GREEN.
Oh and wondering if you are still on for that birthday cruise. If It's a go...I have to make sure they install a dance pole in our room. Um...its' a surprise kind of gift thingy. Um...and please don't let me forget to bring the camcorders. Woo.
Have a nice Friday honey. And yes I'm still baking.
Ciao sweets.
spiky zora jones...hey lets surprise the old boy, lock him in the cellar and use him ....until we use him up? what do you say? I'll supply the Cristal you supply the pole?
lol
OK, I've been offline for a few days...so, where were we...
E-K: I'm sure I met you at Biscuit Expo in 1987. I was with Arnotts back then; we were looking for ways to reinforce our Scotchfinger biscuits so they wouldn't fall into your coffee when you dunked them.
Jane: Sadly, as per the judge's ruling, I am still forbidden to correspond on e-mail with anyone under the age of 15.
Uber: Or a large island. I'm not a greedy man.
Kitty: Slide the cheese back onto your cracker, baby.
Kelly: I hope you mean Sugar Daddy.
Rage: It's my own fault. I trusted my friends. I fucked up.
deC: Somed days, if I had an electric chair, I think I'd use it.
MS: Yes, it was a bit obvious, wasn't it. Truth is, Steph is actually my secretary. Even truer, she's not very good at it...but she's terribly attractive and extremely willing to please.
Mutley: Do you mean the 1-pound store, or the store down at the pound ??
Spiker: Are you baking in that lovely 1950s bikini. I'll take fifty trays of brownies please.
Emmak: I'd be happy to just watch you two if it's all the same. I'm conserving myself for my 50th.
Smack: I am generous. It makes up for being a cunt...
Ahh economic times are bad, get over it.
Plus they clearly dont like you, and have only befriended you for the expensive gifts you so freely give away.
Jokes on you sucker
Are you still doing the World Vision thing this year?
Poor old Fingers..........no emphasis on the 'old' mind you *coff*
You're the Blogosphere's No1 Utter Cnut & that's all that matters mate.
At least I would've offered you a gummy............
I sorted the problem with the Scotchfinger recipe re dropping off in your coffee.
Mucus.
Secretary? Man, she's fallen a ways down the ladder of success from last we talked careers and all that. Still, if the job includes a yacht and personal expense account then perhaps it's worth it? I'm guessing she got that calendar with the change she found in Kylie's couch.
fingers: Um...it's kind of hot baking those extra brownies for you. So If you don't mind...My bikini top comes off, m'kay? :D
I'm delivering these personally too.
Have a wonderful day fingers.
Ciao sweetie.
Memphis, you know the truth. The old bastard is MY sexatary......And pretty bloody useless too. I only hired him out of pity, he's not quite old enough for the pension yet and I didn't want him to starve!
I KNEW it!!! No way would you take a cut in pay and status like that after all your hard work at The Big International Mega Lipstick Factory. All this global economic disaster has wrecked the financial portfolios of all but the craziest of investors and left many of us working odd jobs to try to recover what we lost in all that 'diversification' which turned out to be a load of hooey all piled on one big stack of subprime political kickback loans. If you ever need a driver for your limo give me a call. I work cheap.
I am fed up with this post - how about some pussy shots to liven things up?
Your gunna just love the case of assorted cleanskins I'm sending upto you. Happy Birthday you old prick.
[normally would put "off topic," but by this far into the comments everything has gone completely off the rails, so that would be redundant]
Hope you have the best possible Christmas!
Merry Almost Christmas Fingers! Maybe your cheap cunt friends could redeem themselves by giving you fabulous Christmas presents.
~Kisses~ :)
I was hoping for a dark Christmas tale to cheer me up after getting a Christmas card annoucing the death of my most cherished friend today. Talk about Merry Christmas! and btw......
Merry Christmas Fingers. I hope Santa brings you only the good stuff.
Hope Santa bends you over and rodgers you senseless.
I'll be there with the hidden camera.
Merry xmas you old twat.
I heart you much
xx
fingers sweetie...baby, I'm having myself wrapped in Christmas ribbons and bows...Santa said he would give me a lift to your mansion Christmas morning...so leave a key under the mat.
I'll have Christmas breakfast (Southern style) ready when you get up sweetie...um, or you can unwrap me...or both.
hehehe.
Merry Christmas honey. I love you. Have a fabulous time sweetie. :D
Ciao. Oh, Happy New Year too.
Fingers, I have no idea where you've gone or if you're coming back because you haven't written anything, not even a comment response, in about a month.
Anyway, Happy Hanukkah cranky pants!
Happy Christmas
I hope you get a little more than one lousy speed boat this year.
Thanks for all the laughs
E-K
Happy Christmas & I wish you all the very best for the New Year you old cnut. Thank you for the brilliant blog - who knows, you're probably gonna get better now that you're a year older :-)
(.)(.): Well, let's hope Santa makes it up to me today, coz I've been such a good boy.
Smack: You bet I am. They're getting the same as my readers; championship bull.
Jayne: Ooh, a birthday gummy. And for your next birthday I'll let you give me another one.
E-K: Mucous eh ?? We were on a similar track but using semen.
MS: Even worse, it's a 2008 calendar she got cheap on EBay.
Spiker: Come on down for my nude Australia Day BBQ on Jan 26th.
Steph: Well it's not easy to type with you sitting in my lap all day, boss.
Mutley: XMAS has dulled my creative edge.
BoBo: And you're gonna love the case of assorted foreskins I've sent you. Merry XMAS, cunt.
xl: Peace on you too, brother.
SC: Thanks baby. And a Merry XMAS to you and your family over in Idahohoho.
Uber: Sorry I can't be the one to ruin XMAS for you. I'll make ammends with a really depressing post for New Year.
Steph: Thanks. And may Satan bend you over and rodger you senseless. That won't take much rodgering either.
Spiker: I think you've wrapped the ribbons a bit too tightly. Are you geting enough oxygen ?? Merry XMAS, baby...you've grown on me.
Kylie: Happy Anniversary to you too; I think it's exactly a month since your last post. Any danger of some blogging ?? Happy Festivus, loon.
E-K: And a Merry XMAS to you and the rest of those whinging Poms. May your impending recession be short and shallow. Look forward to more blogging with you in 09, mate.
Z: 88 comments...but 22 of them used the word 'cunt' in reference to me. Success comes with a price.
Jayne: Make that 23 comments. And last but my every means least, Merry XMAS to you, Grandma Hog...
Seriously? You're hanging shit on me for not posting in over a month?
Well I suppose that's just fine ... considering this post is dated December 7th!
Hey, Merry Christmas, mate. Any chance I can borrow Steph from you for a few days? I could use some cheering up. Kylie has left us and I'm all despondent and feeling abandoned again. Actually, any excuse will do.
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