Monday, January 26, 2009

481-11-11...

It’s not something I’m particularly proud of…but I have a bit of an addiction to pizza; specifically mushroom pizza.




For the last twenty-five years I’ve had at least one a week, sometimes more. In the early nineties, when I used to order from ‘Pizza Hut’, they once sent me a free ‘PH’ basketball because I had ordered more than fifty pizzas in a six month period.
And it’s always the same order: One large thin and crispy double mushroom pizza…no ham, no onions, no fucking anchovy, no pineapple and no exotic yak cheese…just mushrooms…on mozzarella.
When I moved to Cunt Point and was no longer in the ‘Pizza Hut’ delivery area, I switched to a local pizzeria which has been faithfully delivering my humble order for the past five years.
As Kitty will be falling over her keyboard to confirm, I like to eat my pizza with butter. Yes…butter. I take a slice of oily mushroom pizza and put a generous helping of full-salt butter on top…and I eat it.
Please save your health concerns for someone else; I’m beyond the reach of medical reason. Dad’s stroke may have changed my smoking habits but nothing short of a personal and massive coronary will change my attitude towards pizza with butter.
Still, this post isn’t about dietary nightmares; it’s a story about pizza.
So, I’ve been ordering the same pizza from the same local joint for the past five years. We have the same conversation every week…practically word for word. I’ve become quite friendly with the owner too.

‘Hello PizzaBella…how can I help you ??’
‘Hi…this is Fingers up in Cunt Point…can I have my usual please.’
‘Sure Fingers…one large thin and crispy double mushroom on mozzarella.’
‘Thanks Giuseppe (not his real name).’
‘OK.’


Every week for five years…practically word for word.
Until last night.

‘Hello PizzaBella…how can I help you ??’
‘Hi…this is Fingers up in Cunt Point…can I have my usual please.’
‘Sure Fingers…one large thin and crispy double mushroom on mozzarella.’
‘Yes thanks, Giuseppe. Actually…no…tonight could I please have one of those awful deep-dish, pan-fried horrors with the molten goat’s cheese inside the crust.’
‘Really ??’
‘Yes…and instead of just double mushroom can I have olives, asparagus and sun-dried tomatoes as well.’
‘Are you sure ??’
‘Yes…also could you please put too much mozzarella on top and cook it at one-million degrees Celsius so that even after you slice it with the pizza-cutter the cheese reforms itself into a solid mass.’
‘Huh ??’
‘Oh…and could you ask the motor-bike delivery guy to go round the corners really, really fast so that the solid, congealed mass of super-heated mozzarella slides off the top of the crust and deposits itself on one side of the box…’
‘Um…I don’t think we can do a pizza like that for you, Fingers.’
‘WELL YOU FUCKING DID LAST WEEK YOU DUMB WOG CUNT…’


After he stopped laughing, Giuseppe sent me a complimentary pizza to make up for the previous week’s disaster, which goes to show that there is sometimes plenty to be gained from being a rude prick…

43 comments:

*~Dani~* said...

Hilarious. I, too, only like mushroom on my pizza. This makes us order one of those dreaded half and half pizzas. "Yes I'd like one large pizza, half with pepperoni and half with mushroom." So far, so good. They haven't screwed it up yet. Then again, we are not on a first name basis with them either. We need to eat more pizza.

xl said...

OK, butter on pizza. BFD.

But, Pizza Hut? Good God, mate! You live in a world-class city and ordered chain pizza?

( . )( . ) said...

And now I really really really feel like pizza, which i havent eaten in about 6 months.

I love mushrooms too, but have never ever thought to just get a mushroom pizza, I ask when I order, to get triple mushroom, and it still looks like i get one serve.

Oh god now I want pizza.

sparsely kate said...

Hey, I love the mushroom pizza too! We have something in common ;)

I bet you aren't fat from it all though are you? Because life just wouldn't be that fair to me.

Fanny F said...

I saw that ending coming 10 minutes before your pizza was delivered.

Oh dear ... cravings for mushroom pizza now, too. But they have to be Swiss Brown Mushrooms, freshly sliced, and not those slimy canned ones they use at Pizza Hut.

Kitty said...

*oooooowwwwwww*

sorry, i just fell over my keyboard.

oh smoopie. every time i think of our clandestine encounters, it isn't the recollections of YOU doing things to my smoo that feature mostly prominantly...it's that fucking butter mushroom pizza.......MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

oh, and the cream/milk. that shit is goooood.

phishez said...

Butter and pizza? You'd better prepare to give that shit up, cuz its going to give you a coronary some day.

BTW, that sounds so fat laden and gross that I might just have to go throw up for you.

fingers said...

Dani: I'm the worst pizza-sharer in the world. No half-halves for me. Even the merest hint of something other than mushroom kills the whole experience.

xl: Did you just say 'big fucking deal' to me ?? You cunt.

(.)(.): Has Trainer Boy banned pizza in the house. What a cunt.

SK: I'm a bit fatter than I should be but I think it's just that I never lost the weight after my ex-wife and I had our second child.

FF: Well, I always said that when I became predictable I'd retire from blogging. So, this will be my last entry. Could you please finish the booze-bus story for the readers, Nostradamus.

Kitty: Ha!!! It's like getting hooked on crack, isn't it, Pooks.

Phish: You're a disgrace to your dress size. Wash your mouth out with butter...

Ms Smack said...

aye carumba... sounds revolting, and I hate mushrooms too.

Hopefully we'll see you in another 5 years, honey.

x

Chuck said...

"‘WELL YOU FUCKING DID LAST WEEK YOU DUMB WOG CUNT…’"

Classic Fingers dialog. It just doesn't get any better than that.

Though eating pizza will clog your arteries, all the extra grease on it lubricates your arteries so the blood flows better. The extra butter on it is genious. Extra lubricant to help the blood flow. You'll probably out live all of us.

Chuck

Sweet Cheeks said...

I'll have to tell my daughter (The Dark Child) about butter on pizza. She always loved butter on chicken. I think it has something to do with being of higher intelligence and possessing a touch of evilness.
:)

De Campo said...

Your clan is a testament to the culinary arts. I’m actually going to try this dish tonight. I may even wash it down with a tall glass of cunt.

Mad Hatter said...

that pizza looks so good!!!!

Memphis Steve said...

I have never in my life seen a pizza delivered by a guy on a motorcycle. Monster trucks, Lexuses, econoboxes, but never a motorcycle. Good Lord, no wonder it was smashed all to the side of the box. He'd have to ride like a grandma on a Vespa not to.

Receiving a horrid ragged mess of cheese in a pile is bad enough, but to be the completely wrong order, that just SUCKS.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

ha...fingers that works baby.

I asked for my luggage to be sent to Chicago last time I checked in in LAX airport...

But you're going to Fort Lauderdale? He surprisingly said.

It didn't stop you last time...ass wipe!

Um...he gave me a FREE PIZZA TOO.
hehehehe.

You are like the father of my child 'the prince.' He is so a Pizza ninja. Pizza from Pizza Hut at least once a week. Twice when he nags me enough that I give in and say...GET WHAT YOU WANT...now untie me!

His fave is a large mushroom and sausages. I only eat one slice of pizza with a salad.

You stopped smoking sweetie. I'm proud of you. though I don't think it matters...what with all the butter, we're talking butter...butter, right? Not that...I Can't Believe It's Not Butter stuff. Which by the way isn't bad stuff.

Pssst. I used to smoke too. When I was 17 and 18 years old, but only after sex...yeah a pack a day habit.

Well one day I said. "I quit!" And I did, without ever having any craving to smoke again...but I'm still sooooo addicted to sex.

fab post handsome...will we be having Pizza when I visit the mansion later on this year? Yay!

Ciao honey. have a fabulous Wednesday. :D

Kitty said...

well let's face it smoopie, i am fairly hooked on crack.

bitch crack!

baaaaaahahahahahahahahahaaa

want.

( . )( . ) said...

No trainer boy hasnt banned pizza, I cant eat gluten or diary due to an infection in my stomach. Rather cunty.

Well I can eat it but it makes me puke. Tasty times.

And yes he is a reserve grader I suppose, perth doesnt have an NRL team cos they were kicked out many years ago. Boo hiss. They play in the Bundaberg cup against sydney teams. Bring on 2012 for the Reds going National!!!!

fingers said...

Smack: For a vege that's 98% water mushrooms sure piss a lot of people off.

Chuck: You're right about the pizza. Perhaps I should fuck the pizza off and just eat butter.

SC: Tell her the pizza must be hot and the butter cold. I use a cheese grater to get just the right consistency in the butter shaving.

deC: My first ever published work was a piece in the SMH (a nationally syndicated rag down here) which proved that a pizza, several glasses of red wine and some auto-erotic abuse was the perfect defence against prostate cancer.

MH: Welcome to TWG. So do you, baby. I guess that's why your blog has had 3000-odd hits yet remains utterly devoid of a post.

MS: Actually they use monkees to do the motorbike deliveries.

Spiker: No, I was hoping to just slather you in butter and munch you all night.

Kitty: You can come too. I'll make a sandwich.

(.)(.): I can't eat diaries either. Which is a shame as I have a Scrabble diary which looks delicious...

Josh said...

No matter how much you think he laughed at your joke, I am sure the free pizza came with extra oysters.

fingers said...

Josh: This is Cunt Point...not Coogee...

Kitty said...

presses *esc* frantically

phishez said...

Going on from Chucks point - if you add salt to your pizza, you'll have lovely hard, strong arteries.

Kylie ... said...

You know your arteries HATE you, right? I can hear your Carotid screaming from here.

As I type, I am praying like a maniac that when your butter soaked, carbon steel heart decides it can no longer effectively deliver blood to your other major organs, by some strange twist of fate it happens in Melbourne AND I'm rostered on in the ED.

THAT would totally make my career! I have my spoons at the ready.

cat said...

Funny. Funny. I know what we will be having for dinner tonight. "Mushroom Pizza" From Pizza Hut.

I too, love pizza.

Since we have received 16 inches of snow, along with high winds last night and I am home-bound til they shovel us out or hubby gets out our handy dandy snow blower, I may be ordering out all breakfast, lunch and dinners, til I am able to get to the shopping mall.

Oh how I love the Mid-west and our brutal winters.

electro-kevin said...

You didn't ask for Chef's Special Sauce either, did you, Fingers !

But I bet you got some anyway ! Har har !

Les Miserable said...

Mushroom pizza huh? Avec du beurre. I can dig it. But I bet you saw some crazy pizza when you lived in Japan. Like these from a Tokyo pizza restaurant menu -

(1) unagi/eggs/seaweed/gobo-burdock
(2) spicy cod roe/snow crab/bacon
(3) miso sauce/chashu pork/mushrooms.

Yummy eh?

EmmaK said...

Butter on pizza?
don't get it
I like greasy English food and love fish n chips, sausages, trifle and french fries but butter on pizza that is ...too much...it would be like drowning in a tub of lard

Fanny F said...

If I finish the booze bus story for you, at least we will know the ending sometime this year, fungus fan.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...ha, anything and everything for you, baby.

Lucky me.

It actually sounds wonderful...I love being the main course, though.

I'm off early today to attend a January bar-b-q...for my B/F radio celeb. hehehe. She's been away...and now we can start working out again. Yay.

ciao honey...have a fab day.

Memphis Steve said...

Monkey pizza delivery, eh? Well now THAT is some serious outsourcing! We use mostly people from Mexico or India. Global economy and all that, you know?

Pearl said...

I love mushroom pizza! And I'm even okay with the butter on it, because that sounds kinda tasty to me right now. No, really tasty...
Shit.
Pearl

Frogger said...

Fingers if I was you I would get back onto the ciggies. Eating pizza with butter! You have nothing to lose

( . )

Ms Smack said...

They make me puke. Once, I ate home made mushroom soup to be polite when meeting the new in-laws. I spewed up my guts for 3 days.

Never again.

Clyde said...

Jebus H Christ man, where is you taste----
Ok, I'm gonna try that butter bit cos I'm addicted to the salty yellow fat
But 1.--Pizza ----geez---total shit--almost as bad as Dominos
Yep, pineapple---anyone who puts pineapple on a pizza needs to be taken out the back and beaten severely with the rough end of a pineapple.
Love mushrooms---but with ham, bacon, pepperoni, capsicum (red) and olives.
Next thing, you will tell me that you have it without a beer and you dont have the leftovers for breakfast in the morning

Adonis740 said...

Hypothetical for you: say you went and picked up your beloved shroom and butter pizza, because you couldn't wait the extra 15 minutes for them to deliver it. (That is, you wanted it bad.) But, due to running into an old friend near to the car, you got chatting and accidentally forgot it on the roof of the car as you left.

When arriving home, you realized your mistake and sped back along your route, hoping to find the box still intact along the roadside.

And you did find it, but half of it was sticking out of the box, with road rash, and the rest was horribly disfigured, crushed into the corner off said box. Would you still eat it? Just the half in the box, or all of it?

Before you say 'WTF??' and never read another comment from me again, just know that....I ate it. (pepperoni, but still) This is not so hypothetical for some of us....
VI

Jayne said...

You need help Fingers...........butter on pizza?? Extra cheese or even a side order of fried halloumi maybe, but butter?

Ms Smack said...

I used to love garlic, oregano, prawns, ham and cheese. I don't eat pizza any more cos of the cheese!

It hates me! :(

Tom Gaylord said...

mushroom pizza? Egh, yucky!

benediction said...

Pizza is one of my faves too. Nothing worse than bad pizza with cheap cheese though...

fingers said...

Kitty: Don't be a cunt or I'll have to use the 'DEL' button.

Phish: It's actaully the salt I crave in the butter; like an elephant.

Kylie: Spoons ?? What spoons ?? They sound worse than heart disease.

Cat: I'd like to blow some snow up your driveway some day. I'll bring pizza too.

E-K: Yeah, it's a risk making funny with food-prepapers but some lines are worth crossing.

Lombay: First thing I learned to say in Japanese after I became single was 'Sumimassen, ano oki mushroom pizza to crust wa thin ando crispy desu...'

Emmak: The only tub of lard I want to drown in is you, baby.

FF: Fungus is actually my nuckname in Nu Zulland.

Spiker: As usual, I have no idea what that was about.

MS: I thought you used Mexicans to see if it was safe to send monkeys into space.

Pearl: Come over for a slice some day. I'll even let you smoke inside afterwards.

Frog: I'll let this one slide coz you're new to blogging...and autistic.

Smack: Who cares ??

Clyde: I'm not sure why ANY of you think I give a flying fuck about whether YOU like pizza or not.

Ad: Mate I believe you. I did the same thing with a friend's baby. Funny story.

Jayne: Halloumi ?? Sounds a bit Leb for pizza.

Smack: Seriously. Who cares ??

TG: 'Egh, yucky'. This from a guy with a large eggplant in his ass.

Bene: Good pizza is in the mouth of the be-eater...

Kitty said...

i like being a cunt. i'm good at it.

so shuddup.

Jen said...

Don't worry about it, there are worse things you could be addicted to.

UBERMOUTH said...

When I return to Canada a pizza is one of the first things I am eating.
I love mushrooms. I peel them and eat them raw as snacks.