Tuesday, February 10, 2009

road tripping part II...

In what has been a trying week for many people, I hope this post brings a smile to someone's face...



As I sat there in the wreckage of Dad’s nice, new car…it began to snow.
This was strange for February in Sydney but after a litre or so of Cointreau, the old meteorological reasoning faculties were a little skewed, so I simply chose to believe what I was seeing. What I was actually seeing was the apparently fine powder storm created when an airbag inflates automatically.
Staring at the winter wonderland going on around me, it seemed as though I was a figure in one of those kids’ toys you shake; I half-expected to see a reindeer sitting next to me in the passenger seat.
Then I noticed the small pillow against my chest, unaware that it was in fact the driver’s airbag, since I’d never actually seen one before. Either way, it looked inviting enough to lay my head down on and take a well-deserved nap, which I was just about to do when the car-door opened unceremoniously and a gun was leveled at my head. Of all the weird things going on…the snow, the pillow, the absence of any reindeer…it was the gun that seemed totally imaginary…so I ignored it.
‘YOU INSIDE…GET OUT OF THE FUCKING VEHICLE NOW !!!’
‘Huh ?? What ??’ I managed to stammer, hoping like hell I was also imagining the enraged police officer now yelling into my ear.
‘I SAID GET OUT OF THE FUCKING VEHICLE…PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE ROOF OF THE VEHICLE AND SPREAD YOUR LEGS !!!’
When the full second I’d been given to comply had elapsed without my managing to do any of these tasks, a large hand reached into the cabin, grabbed me by the collar and hauled me out onto the street. Rough treatment for sure…but as I later found out, the police officers were exremely pissed off, assuming quite fairly, although erroneously as it turned out, that I had deliberately tried to run them over.
After patting me down for weapons, ‘Constable Cranky Pants’ spun me around, stared deep into my eyes, which must have resembled a pair of smashed ‘Jaffas’ and said, ‘Have you been drinking tonight ??’
To which I replied, ‘Mate, I’ve had about 25 Cointreaus on ice…maybe more…and some had vodka in them too.’
To which he replied, ‘Well I’m going to have to ask you to blow into the bag.’
To which I replied…in a line that has passed into Eastern Suburbs folklore…’Why…don’t you believe me ??’
(Now, truth be known, I don’t claim to have thought of this line myself. I’d heard the gag somewhere before and dreamed of the day I’d be in a good position to use it. That day had come…I took my opportunity for glory and ran with it.)
At this point I was convinced the cop was going to punch my face in…

To be continued…

35 comments:

Kitty said...

gee, i figured the 'snow' was your three grams of blow that you had stashed in the glove box flying around the interior of dear old dad's vehicle.

my bad for assuming there would be any left at this point in your evening.

i can't believe the police man sweared at you.

that rude.

Kitty said...

oh...and FIRST!

*dribbles*

*~Dani~* said...

oh man. I cannot stand these teasers. I need the whole story!!

sparsely kate said...

I once had a boyfriend that tried to outrun the Victorian police by turning his old Cortina onto the nature strip and chucking a U turn. But one of the copper's arm was stuck in the drivers side of the vehicle so when Phil the Melbourne bogan sped off, this police man sort of got dragged along for the ride.
The other policeman fired six shots in the back of Phil's car as he sped off and the cop with his arm through the window managed to pull free and fall to the side of the road.
Phil the dick got time in Pentridge prison and a life-sized blown up photograph of his beloved Cortina with six bullet holes to hang up in the pool room.

Anyway...your story sort of reminded me about that.

Did you get to go to Pentridge prison too? Did you do any soap dropping at the showers?
Oh I know...crap joke but I'm tired.
Thanks for cheering us up!

Jayne said...

I can just imagine you in your drunken glory, asking the copper if he didn't believe you! Thank you Fingers, for starting my day with a bloody good laugh. I look forward to part III, cos somehow, you've managed to wangle your way outa this I'm sure!

the projectivist said...

Yeahhhhh! I would, like Kately, enjoy a blow-by-blow account of what went on in the showers. Don't spare one lascivious detail!

Kitty said...

fingers and i fucked in the shower!

didn't we smoopie????!!!! ;oP

Jen said...

Makes mental note to use that line one day......

cat said...

Man, how scary. I couldn't imagine having a gun pointed at my head and being yelled at with direct orders to do something. I would so mess it up and probably end up shot dead.

Clyde said...

Geez, the Copper used one of your tried and true lines---
"Spread your legs"
Never worked for you neither

Kylie ... said...

For once, you were just what the doctor ordered!

Seriously though? Enough with the FUCKING teasers!

See, now you made me swear and I'm going to have to wash my mouth out with a cake of yellow velvet soap. Ick!

Mone said...

It seems to me that cops everywhere have a disease - called rudeness.

You should have asked - ’Why…don’t you believe me ??’ and puked a little ;)

Memphis Steve said...

Was Nicole Kidman and her mink riding with you? I'm confused. It's been so long since we began this tale and I have the attention span of a gnat.

Here in the States, instead of just pulling you out and talking to you, they'd all pile on you (only cops in America ever play 'stacks on') and break as many of your ribs, facial bones, and testicles as possible. It's the new American way.

"Why, don't you believe me?"

This is classic and I hope never to be in a position to copy it because the temptation will be enormous.

xl said...

Too bad that was before the police cars had audio/video recorders. You would be a star on COPS!

Fusion said...

Damn, you're worse than the show LOST with your teasing...

And I agree with Steve here, you'd be in far worse shape over here, unless the COPS team were on the ride along...

Bad Bob said...

That is the perfect line! "You don't believe me?"
Do you mind if I borrow that one?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers sweetie...oh my, you were such a bad boy.

Fuck! I love bad boys. There's something about bad boys that makes me wet. :D

Sweetie I imagine you didn't feel the air bag blow outward, then.

My friend who just got back from Iraq was in a car accident and he said the air bag worked like it was suppose to...but it about knocked him out senseless. He said he has never been hit so hard.

I said even harder than when I kicked him in the head...he paused. Well that was close but the air bag was harder.

We were doing no-contact sparring and I accidently kicked him. He moved in...and well it happens.

So I was surprised you were somewhat still able to talk.

You were lucky baby, here in the US of A you would have been tasered first then questioned after you had passed out.

Oh at least the police used SOPs...right?

And you ended with continued.

CRAP! No fair.

More please.

What happens next?

Ciao honey...have a wonderful day.

Sweet Cheeks said...

I'm having to take anti-anxiety medicine with waiting for the ending...

You're worth it.
:)

Adonis740 said...

Smart assery in the face of certain ass kicking = balls of steel = worthy of much respect. good job!

My only chance to compare: when being interrogated by the Dean of Students re: our underage drinking at the bowling alley, he asked how we bowled. "Well sir, no one broke a hundred." He laughed, and I didn't get kicked out of our very strict religious school. A win/win...

Josh said...

I love the way the sarcasm is one of the few higher functions not negatively affected by alcohol.

Pearl said...

ACK! You tease!

Excellent. Cops is one of my favorite guilty pleasures.

Carry on. I await part III.

Pearl

fingers said...

Kitty: I was a penniless student back then. I coudn't even afford speed in those days.

Dani: Unfortunately most of my readers aren't as bright as you and don't have the powers of concentration necessary to cope with any more than 500 words at a time.

SK: You're like an episode of 'Underbelly' with all these convict boyfriends in your past.

Jayne: I had a very funny incident with two cops last night after I got 'caught' carrying a large kitchen carving knife into a lapdance club. It's a post in itself.

TP: I preferred to take baths in jail.

Kitty: You're delirious.

Jen: It's worth all the grief, I promise you.

Cat: Can I search you for weapons some day, baby.

Clyde: I have never uttered that line in my entire life.

Kylie: WTF is velvet soap ??

Mone: I bet German cops are a good bunch to have a joke with too.

MS: Yes, I think I mentioned you earlier.

xl: I know. I think I'd have enjoyed being on TV.

Fusion: Trust me. I'm much better in small doses.

BB: My gift to you, mate.

To be cont...

fingers said...

Spiker: Your friend must be a midget if the airbag hit him in the face.

SC: Why thank you. And please e-mail me at blecagot@yahoo.com.au and give me a key to your blog.

Adonis: Giving lip to the cops is probably way safer than giving it to a stranger.

Josh: Yep. The only thing better than sarking is drinking and sarking.

Pearl: Hey, you're lucky I don't charge for this stuff...

EmmaK said...

fucken hell, interesting stuff, like watching the history channel. I didn't realize they had cars in the 1930s when this story took place, let alone airbags....

Fanny F said...

It was lucky that you were driving the merc with an airbag in those days. In any other car, the only thing going through your mind when you crashed would have been your arsehole. Boom boom.

Kitty said...

Hahahahahahahaha!! at Fanny F

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...No my friend isn't short. hehehe.

But you have a good point. I think his girlfriend was driving...so why was his head...hum.

Come on where's the next part...I want to see if the cop smacks you or gives you a choke hold.

OR...personally I would laughed my head off...then handcuffed you to he the back seat of my cruiser.

You like them tight, don't you baby? Good.

Ciao sweetie, have a fab day. :D

Spiky Zora Jones said...

sweetie...where's EK?

I miss him. Has he gone away?

Ciao.

De Campo said...

Your comment section has become a bastion for haters.

Your hell raising days are interesting; ripe with hookers, car crashes, homeless hookers, coke, drink, and promiscuous sex. The hater’s glory days probably consist of forgetting to return the DVD rental or experimenting with rechargeable batteries in their vibrators.

No sir, you will get no such hateration from me. Well, besides hoping you get forcibly sodomized in a holding cell by a homeless hooker by tales end.

Jen said...

Hey! I don't hate Fingers, he is my role model!

EmmaK said...

I have written some pizza porn for you today on my blog. Have a good one with lashings of cheese!

Tom Gaylord said...

WHO fucked fingers in the shower? can we have a de brief?

Memphis Steve said...

So is this why they made it illegal to crash into a police van while drunk? I know way back it used to be perfectly legal. Or at least that's what my dad used to claim. I never did fully believe him. He also claimed to have surfed a Harley down the interstate, but then he did have the scars to prove it so maybe it's true?

Sweet Cheeks said...

Happy Valentine's Day Fingers!


~Cheeky Kisses~

UBERMOUTH said...

hahahahaha fabulous ending.
I'm sorry for you it was MY face you put a smile on. :)