Sunday, January 11, 2009

road tripping...

OK, time to revisit the past and tell you a story…it’s a bit long, so please bear with me and don’t moan for me to ‘get on with it’ over the next few posts…

The year was 1983, my parents had just retired and sold the business they ran for twenty years, cashed in their super, bought their first Mercedes Benz and were off to the UK for a month-long vacation.
I was in the last year of Law School, still living at home, looking at forty years of hard-work ahead, had no money and was driving a battered Toyota Celica held together with duct tape.
As I dropped my folks off at the airport in their nice, new Mercedes…I remember Dad saying, ‘Fingers, your car is a mess…through no fault of your own…please feel free to use the Mercedes until we return.’
Dad always maintains he said, ‘Fingers you irresponsible cunt…take the Mercedes straight home, park it, lock it…and do not touch it while we’re away for any fucking reason.’
The exact words he used are still contentious bones even twenty-five years on; whatever they were, I thought they were somewhat vague and ambiguous.
Anyway, at the very least, I was sure Dad wouldn’t mind my borrowing the car for something as sensible as a ‘$20-all-the Cointreau-you-can-drink’ night at ‘Metropolis Nightclub’ in North Sydney, so a few days later I jumped in the Mercedes, drove over there, paid my $20, drank about $100 worth, then at 3am got back in the Mercedes to drive home.
Sadly, in those days I was a serial drink-driver...
*This story is not intended to glorify that practice either; I was a young moron who enjoyed driving cars, drinking and combining the two as often as possible. Thankfully I never injured a single person during the whole stupid phase…a freakishly unlikely piece of good fortune.*
Enough editorial…back to the good stuff…
So, having successfully navigated my way back to the Eastern Suburbs, I was coming out of the Kings Cross tunnel and decided to floor the Mercedes down the hill and see what those clever Germans had put under the bonnet. I estimate I had that fucker up to 140kph as I got to the base of the hill, where the road flattened out into a long stretch, and as I looked up to see where I was going, I noticed the police had set up one of the new ‘Random Breath Test’ (RBT) buses by the roadside. These were quite rare back then, so I had no pre-conceived ideas about what I would ever do if I approached one and was clearly over the legal limit to drive.
The police manning the RBT bus had seen me flying down the hill and had run out into the middle of the road with their fluorescent batons; they were very keen to have me pull over for a chat and a blow in their bag. I, on the other hand didn’t see any upside in that and prepared to ‘run’ their feeble roadblock and disappear into the distance before they could give chase, so I gunned the motor and kept going.
Then as I got about one-hundred metres from the bus and the cops, I chickened out, hit the brakes…a little too hard as it happened…and put the Mercedes into a violent tailspin. The last thing I saw, as the car went through 360 degrees was the panic-stricken cops hurling themselves into the flowerbeds on the median strip which divided the road.
Oh yes…and I saw the big, blue bus with ‘POLICE” painted clearly on the back.
The next few seconds are still a blur, however there was much screeching rubber noise, a lot of spinning motion and I closed my eyes…then a loud bang, a cessation of the spinning…and when I opened my eyes I found I had come to a halt…presumably because the Mercedes was now embedded up to its engine-block in the back of the big, blue bus with ‘POLICE” painted clearly on the back.
As far as I’m aware I am still the only driver in New South Wales to have actually run into a ‘booze-bus’ as we call them here ??
Meanwhile, the cops had climbed out of the flowerbeds and were now running over to the wrecked Mercedes, no doubt anxious to see if I was alright…

*stay tuned…there’s more to follow…*


Kitty said...

who could blame them? i love it when you blow in my bag smoopie!!

and YAY!! you FINALLY borrwed the nads of a REAL MAN, in order to tell this story to the world.

bravo, you disgraceful drink driving piece of shit bastard mofo.

shame shame shame.


Jane said...

i didn't know you were a lawyer.

and i politely await part 2

*~Dani~* said...

I echo Jane about the lawyer. Am also intrigued for part 2. Nice cliffhanger.

fingers said...

Kitty: Believe me, I'm not proud of it. Blowing in your bag that is. I'm fine with the drink-driving.

Jane: I'm not a lawyer. I studied law, practised for a short while, then sold out to the money market.

Dani: Ditto. And shortly you'll see why changing careers was a good idea...

*~Dani~* said...

ahhh the suspense. Now, who can I sell out to?

xl said...

Good start! Vehicular mayhem, police, impaired driving. Please don't take us to another wimped-out denouement ala "The Brain."

phishez said...

You graduated law school in 83? Shit. That's the year I was born.

I like you Fingers. You make me feel all young!

Ms Smack said...

HAHAHAHA You're really really great at telling a story. I won't hound you, honey, but I will be checking back regularly.

Cheryl said...

OMG What a scream! LOL

Clyde said...

Of course you would do it with flair---Mercedes, Cointreau, screaming smoking 360s and bus for a bonnet ornament.
I can only claim beer, a Toyota Corolla and a 4k drive with the centre island on my left

Anonymous said...

Fingers, you CANNOT leave the effing (see, you've reduced me to profanity!) story there!

We all know it'll be WEEKS before you post again and in the meantime, because I have no life per se, I'll have to get a prescription for Temazepam so I can sleep at night.

And drink driving? I know you apologized and all, but that just makes me want to club you on the back of the head with a tyre iron.

Still, I'll wait for your next installment ... only because I have nothing better to do.

Bad Bob said...

Are you sure the "Brain" wasn't involved in this? Mercedes, drinking, crashing...


electro-kevin said...

At about that time I was out NICKING drink drivers.

Opposite sides of the track, Fingers.

Clearly I took the wrong side.

cat said...

You sold-out your god-given talent not to practice Law and crashed a Mercedes? For shame, for shame.

We must be close to the same age. I graduated in 83' passed the Bar in 84', so the next time you call yourself a "old bastard" I sill be sure to take offense to it;).

In the states, (if prosecuted for a felony, which drunk driving is here in my state. if you are found guilty) you can't take the Bar Exam. Just wondering what the difference in the Laws are from one country to another?

Les Miserable said...

Back to form. Cool. I missed you. Silly cunt.
Hey when you coming over here so we can tool around in the Benz, smoke reefers, get some rentals - all that.

BTW got a new blog going -

Nice bit in it about how to bodgie your Clickbank/PayPal/Bank Statements online screenshots.

Les Miserable said...

Fuck it - forgot to Hyperlink it -

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Oh fingers...OMG...honey. You were a bad boy. I understand though. If you did that here while I was an officer...I would still have to frisk you to see what you had in your pockets...Oh hey was that a big gun. :D

Really, once I was and then g/f friend were drinking heavily and I took her home. I was parked across the street from her parents house. It was my first year in college. While we were sitting there talking...okay really I was tuning her for a good um...fucking. My hand was under her panties and her blouse was unbuttoned and I get the picture. Well that's when the sheriff deputy knocks on the window...Oh shit.

He started to ask why we were there...but stopped, he was not a dummy. He let her cross the street to her parents house. She blew me a kiss as she entered.

He then asked for my drivers licence. I rumaged through my purse and found my wallet and showed other forms of identification which I kept by my drivers licence...he looked at it and then at me...twice. He blew out a breath of frustration and said...Spiky...get your behind(bum) home before I change my mind.

YAY! I was so afraid he would take me in for being behind the wheel...underage and drunk. I then locked my car...and walked across the street to her house. I was after all too drunk to drive.

See it does pay off to have a pic of yourself in a itty bitty bikini by your drivers ID. Why I'd even venture to say...that it has the same effect as a box of donuts.

I can't wait for the next part...And I know you were in so much trouble with daddy.

Ciao baby...have a fabulous Tuesday.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Sweetie babe...Don't shake your head. I swear, that did so happen.

I was kind of drunk...but it did so happen. And so what if he kept the pic...I had them by the dozens. hehehe.

Good times sweetie...good times.

Ciao honey. :D

Anonymous said...

Hahah, I loved the last line about the cops running over to check that you 'were alright'. Oh I'm sure that's what they were doing!!

Love your stories mr fingers.

surfercam said...

This sounds like the beginning of the best story ever!
I can't wait to hear the rest.

the projectivist said...

in the film version of this escapade?
you should have the guy playing you keep his foot on the peddle and gun it past the cops with their feeble torch things.

(not sure who would play you, as i have no idea what you look like?)

fingers said...

Dani: I'd like to keep you in suspenders for a while if that's OK.

xl: No, I think you'll be quite satisfied with the number I end up doing on myself before the story ends.

Phishez: I like you too, Phish. You make me feel rich and successful.

Smack: You ain't nothing but a hound-dog.

Cheryl: Personally, I think the story gets funnier later...but I'm glad my troubles made you smile.

Clyde: Yeah, I was like the Lyndsay Lohan of my generation.

Kylie: You can always use the intermission here at TWG to update your own blog, baby.

BB: Nope, this one was all me. 'The Brain' was living interstate at that point in my life.

E-K: Fascist.

Cat: It's not a felony here, so it doesn't peclude you from taking the bar exam...but it certainly doesn't look good on a job application.

Lombay: The only plans I have to return to France are either as King, or to follow 'Le Tour' on the Vespa one year.

Spiker: I doubt even a teenage lezzer with recently wet fingers could have talked her way out of my predicament.

Kate: Glad to see your back from the trip, Marco Polo.

SC: Maybe not EVER but my friends certainly enjoy hearing it every few years...

fingers said...

TP: Well, I could...but then I'd escape and there'd be no Parts II & III of the trilogy...

Fusion said...

Damn it, now I have to put you back on the feed to catch the rest of the story... Write fast, I'm not getting any younger you know ;)

the projectivist said...

oh you'd never ESCAPE silly!
there'd be a crazy car-chase through Kings Cross and then you'd be caught.
and strip searched.
in my version anyway.

Jayne said...

I've got a tenner on you managing to bullshit your way out of this situation. You'll do it in true Fingers style, guaranteed! Y'old cnut............I look forward to the next episode :-)

Clyde said...

Lydsay Lohan---so you had no jocks on and you flashed your tits at the cops---
Geez, its a wonder you are not still in gaol

La Femme said...

By felony, you mean indictable offence? And the smashing in to the bus and narrowly missing the cops might elevate it up to dangerous operation etc, non?

Back in the early 80s you were probably able to plead intoxication as a defence.

You either convinced the coppers to let you go or you got off on the promising young law student moment of stupidity spiel.

You're my hero. And Mandela. But mostly you.

Anonymous said...

Point taken.

Await my first post this year with bated breath, won't you?

Although, I should forewarn you. It will involve nothing to do with sex, drugs, alcohol or law breaking of any variety.

De Campo said...

You may be the only fucker in EXISTENCE who has ever crashed into a booze bus!

Chapter 2 will no doubt be you explaining how this was all a reactionary drill meant to hone the most basic of cop instincts (the beat down). I’m sure it’s going to be chuckles all around.

Ahhhh, the magical 80’s.

EmmaK said...

Wierdly enough that wild macho activity with that Merc is turning me on...I kind of had you pegged as a nerdy superbrain with the body of Steve Buscemi and now I am seeing you more in a kind of Mickey Rourke before plastic surgery light and you have got my motors running and my headlights flashing

Anonymous said...

Well Fingers, I'm very interested in the next part of the saga. And you should know, for some reason I hear Jack Black's voice in my head when I read your posts/comments. You really remind me of him. FUNNY AS HELL! :)

Memphis Steve said...

I have done a lot of crazy things involving cars and intoxication, but I must admit to my shame, never in my life have I hit a police vehicle at high speed while drunk. You are my hero!

fingers said...

Fusion: Did you know this was how Charles Dickens used to write his stories; week by week a little bit more. I bet none of his readers ever screamed, 'Get on with it Charlie.'

TP: Is there a really pretty lady cop in my future ??

Jayne: Send over your tenner. I get royally fucked in the ass shortly.

Clyde: Yes, with a touch of The Hoff and that hamburger thrown in.

laF: Pleading intoxication (before the requisite intent was imputed through the accused's sheer negligence) may have been a plausible legal strategy in mitigating a murder charge down to manslaughter but it's a highly improbable defence against drink-driving.

Kylie: I'll just go and bait my breath now. Pass me a worm.

deC: Yeah with my luck Some cunt like Russell Crowe will hit a booze bus and get all the future credit for it.

Emmak: Bad boys, bad boys...watcha gonna do...watcha gonna do when we come for you ?? You'd have made a fine Bonnie to my Clyde.

SC: Oh god...anyone but Jack Black. I love the scene in 'The Jackal' where Bruce Willis wastes him with that big turbo-gun.

MS: I think the word hero is bandied about too recklessly these days but you lot are starting to convince me of the true greatness of this deed. I can hardly wait to see what happens next...

La Femme said...

I'm pleased that my facetiousness has invoked your ciminal law prowess.

Its all like mens rea and actus reus, innit?

I was 4 in 1983 and I imagine all sorts of crazy stuff got pulled off then, drink driving charges weren't dealt with as harshly in the olden days were they?

dam buster said...

I cannot believe it. you owned a celica?

Anonymous said...

Fingers: You are (YOU'RE) slipping honeybunny and I caught you out! In the reply to my comment you said 'your' instead of 'you're'.

I'm smugly elated right now.


Fess up! Are you blogging from jail? :)

rackorf said...

Hahahahaha - a moped and a fucken toyota sillycar ...

(Geez you'd go down a fucken treat around here. Fit right in with the local lads with the other tojos, the one's with the pig cages and dogs on the back)

anyways - don't let me interrupt, stop your fucken dithering and get on with your yarn you villainous old cunt...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers. sweetie...babe. Let me tell you a story for the next time you get hauled in to jail.

I once took aa drunk man to jail. he was in front of a liqour store...drunk as can be and causeng a stir.

We patrolled the bad side of the city...anyway, we got there and I put him in cuffs...the usual stuff while my partner kept those snoopy people away. The drunk had a kitchen knife on him. Oh the guy was plastered.

On the way to county jail...we stop in an alley and my partner breaks the knife on a telephone pole and tosses it in a garbage bin.

We get the drunk upstairs and I put in in a holding cell and uncuff him...I walk away and the guy is holding on to the bars with his wang out and peeing all over the place. My partner was trying to pull him back...why, who knows.

I looked over at the sarg...and say. He's yours.

sarge: Hey who's gonna clean this up.

me: I don't do windows or spills. do someone a favor and that's how you get paid back.

We drove off after picking up our guns that we had locked up...before entering.

We laughed all the way to the donut shop...

I know it has nothing to do with your story...but next time you get hauled in and want to piss them off...piss them off.


Ciao honey, have a fab Wednesday.

Memphis Steve said...

We do tend to make heroes out of all the wrong people, and usually for all the wrong reasons, and it was no different back in the '80s. Considering that we here in the States are said to have made heroes out of dickweeds like Bono and Madonna and Oprah, I think your deed certainly qualifies. Just think back to the heroes of those great '80s movies:

"16 Candles" featured Long Duk Dong crashing the old couple's car in a lake while drunk and then waking up on their front lawn. The drunken prom queen had sex with a drunken freshmen in the back seat of a Rolls Royce that belonged to neither of them.

Everyone in "The Breakfast Club" was stoned at one point or other.

"Mad Max" may have been completely sober, but he sure drove like a lunatic and crashed several cars as well as an 18-wheeler.

"Weird Science"? Come on, that entire movie was a drug-induced hallucination!

"Ferris Bueler's Day Off" was all about borrowing Dad's classic Ferrari and crashing it at the very end. And they were stone cold sober!

These are the heroes of the time when you were planting your father's Mercedes into the side of a police truck. You surely must have been considered a rock star back then just as much as today. And the penalties for it at that time might have actually been somewhat reasonable, unlike today where farting is a felony and failure to produce your license fast enough results in an instant Taser attack followed by resisting arrest charges. At least, here in the States it is that way. From what Steph said once, Australia is still quite a bit saner than we are. Yet another reason I need to move there.

Yeah, you qualify as a hero for that, a kind of rebel hero.

unique_stephen said...

Never once been breathalyzed.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sharing any stories here, but I am smiling just the same. Glad you and everyone around you survived that particular tryst.
You're do struggle with bad luck, don't you? :)

Pearl said...

Now THAT'S how you start a story.

Go on! Go on!


rage said...

I just shit when you stopped the story there....can't wait to read the rest...great story.

Madam Z said...

Good thing you were wearing your seatbelt! WERE wearing your seatbelt, weren't you? Being such a responsible lad as you were, I'm sure your answer will be a resounding "YES!"

I can't WAIT to hear what your dad said when he saw his poor, battered Mercedes.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...sweetie babe. Where are you honey?

I hope you're behind that laptop typing away the second part of the trilogy...Woo hoo.

If have a wonderful weekend kicking back.

Ciao honey.

Steph said...

I have nothing to add, just suffice to say, I miss mental gymnastics with you.
Hope you didn't end up in the big house as Big Bernies Bitch.

fingers said...

laF: Shortly you will see what a brilliant courtroom performer I was.

DB: You'd better not get your dick out on my blog, buster.

SK: Wow, that's my third typo in 3 years. I'd better close my blog.

Uber: Yes, I'm in the cell next to you but you can't see me because of the hockey mask they make you wear.

Rack: I had 98 of my first 100 roots in that car. What memories.

Spiker: You really should get your own blog, you know.

MS: Same goes for you.

US: WTF have you been ?? In the Blogger Protection Sceme ??

Bene: Yeah and the drunker I get the worse my luck.

Pearl: Welcome to TWG. You'll go nicely before the swine I have in here.

Rage: Thanks. I'd like you to write the jacket-cover for my novel some day.

Spiker: I'm very busy right now. Very, very busy.

Steph: And I miss you too, baby. You were such a comfy mat to do a dismount on...

Ms Smack said...

Fingers, I think you're getting funnier.

Anonymous said...

Please sir, May I have another?

Les Miserable said...

Hey you silly cunt. Tried to ring you. Your numbers have changed? Got an idea for you. Cunt. Can you email me perhaps? Cunt.

fingers said...

Smack: I just hope I don't burn myself out before I write the book.

SC: Just putting the finishing touches on it now.

Lombay: Sorry mate, I had my number changed after Steph got hold of it and wouldn't stop calling...

fifi said...

oh my god. I think I know you.

Metropolis? now THERES some horrible flashbacks....