Sunday, February 15, 2009

the pre-St Valentines Day Non Massacre...

I'm not constantly in trouble with the law these days...but you wouldn't know it from this...








Last Wednesday evening, after a thoroughly ordinary meal at the trendy new ‘Beresford Hotel’, I’d had enough red wine and port for my clients to convince me to take them for a lap dance back in the CBD.
They hopped in a taxi…whereas I was so drunk I thought a ride on ‘The Stealth Vespa’ might be in order…and we arranged to meet inside ‘Madam Chang’s Imperial Whoopee Parlour’ * in twenty minutes.
I arrived at the ‘Pitt St Ballet’ ** and to say that I was off my chops would be an understatement. If the universe is very, very big…then I was very, very off my chops. Nevertheless, I proceeded to stroll through the front door, past the two bouncers of unknown but decidedly Pacific Island extraction, when one of them noticed my little rucksack and asked if he could look inside.

Rewind about three days…
One of my work colleagues had broken the tip off the office carving knife, a whacking great 33cm hunk of sharpened, Japanese stainless steel…and I had put the knife into my rucksack with a view to taking it home, grinding off the damaged tip and re-sharpening the blade. I had not got around to doing this yet…and the knife was still in my rucksack.

Fast-forward back to the story:..
So, I was standing at the door to ‘Booze and Smoos’ ***, casually smoking a cigarette while Fella Felloffalori and Mia Fartuesele rummaged through my rucksack, quickly discovering the carving knife which they pulled out for everyone to see.
‘What the fuck is this eh, bro,’ one of the amazed bouncers asked.
‘Well, it appears to be a large carving knife,’ I replied…too drunk to think of what else it COULD be besides a large carving knife.
‘And just where did you think you’d be going with it, bro,’ they continued.
‘Well, obviously I was looking to perhaps cruise into the club and cut a few of the girls from ear to flaps,’ I ventured, wondering whether these two bouncers had keen, bouncery senses of humour.
Of course they didn’t.
‘Well how about you get the fuck up against the wall while we call the cops eh, bro,’ they yelled instead of falling to the floor in hysterical laughter at my timely joke…like I had hoped.
Ten minutes later the police arrived, by which time I’d managed to explain to the bouncers what had happened…and amazingly they not only believed me but even told the cops it was a false alarm and that it had all been a huge misunderstanding.
I was then allowed to enter ‘Naked Overpriced Greedy Money-Hungry Coke Molls R Us’ **** and spend a stupid, stupid amount of hard-earned cash (which I thoroughly regretted the next morning)…after checking my carving knife at the door.
And they say capitalism is dead…

* Obviously not the club’s real name.
** This isn’t the real name either.
*** This is closer; but still not the real name
**** OK, I’m just being a little bitter and twisted about the whole experience now…

40 comments:

DOG3OY said...

a rucksack !!

fingers said...

DB: OK...napsack, daypack, nutsack...

the projectivist said...

i never picked you for the manbag type either!
you just got a whole lot sexier!

cat said...

Oh my. What have I told you about carrying your eating utensils with you when you go out to eat.

That's what you get for hanging out in those place's that don't allow you to cut your own meat.

Jen said...

I was on Pitt Street on Saturday night. I knew I should have come up earlier in the week.

Fanny F said...

From your state of inebriation, the knife was obviously the only thing you took into the club that was remotely 33cm long and hard.

fingers said...

TP: OK...manbag, handbag, nutbag. Admit it, you're just turned on by the thought of that knife. You sicko.

Cat: Bastards kept my knife too. They said it would be irresponsible to let me have it back drunk at 3am. Strangely they didn't consider it irresponsible to swipe my Visa 284 times that evening.

Jen: I can't afford the Saturday night rates.

Fanny: Boom boom. And I'm sure if you'd been as drunk as me, I'd have found a sheath for my blade...

Fanny F said...

Only if the tip was not missing.

fingers said...

Fanny: It's been missing since I was 10 days old...

xl said...

Dunk Vespa driving. Taunting bouncers. Narrowly avoiding weapons charges. You're getting into Russell Crowe territory, mate.

tyt said...

サイト制作
秋葉原 メイド
ペット火葬 つくば
つくば ペット火葬
つくば ペット霊園
つくば ペット葬儀
立食パーティー用プレート
でしこ
soul source production
ベトナム シーフード
高収入 アルバイト
高収入 アルバイト
アパレル 求人
アパレル 派遣
人妻 出会い
風俗
風俗
デリヘル
アダルトゲーム
高収入求人
高収入求人
ソープランド
性感マッサージ 名古屋
M性感 名古屋
出会い
I wish you always happy and success in your life.
Thanks for sharing!
Best regards!

phishez said...

That knife ain't cutting through anything.

Your wit, on the other hand, could slice straight through tomato skin!

Ms Smack said...

You're really good at channelling Maori blokes haha

Jen said...

I'm a cheap date.

fingers said...

xl: How dare you compare me to that Kiwi moron. Also, I have won at least one public brawl, which gives me a far better record than Crowe.

tyt: Thank you Wang. May your womens' hands remain small and their fondness of round-eye pee-pees infinite.

Phish: It's very handy for those times I feel like insutling a garden salad to its face.

Smack: And that's very handy for when I feel like moving furniture.

Jen: That's refreshingly candid of you to admit...

Clyde said...

Hmm---Scooter, Fanny Pack---Madame Changs Tranvestites are us

Hmmmm-----ok

De Campo said...

Where ever I go I always make friends with the first Pacific Islander I meet. In essence, I just made friends with all of them in the region because they’re all cousins. I’m well schooled in Samoan fighting style. One second your standing, the next they shoot on you, grab your ankles, sweep you up, and proceed to shake the living shit out of your upside down self. It’s poetry in motion.

Not only do I own multiple rucksacks; but mine come in a multitude patterns/camouflage.

cat said...

I once told a lady at the Lancome counter that I was more deadly with my Visa card then a loaded Gun and if she rejected my card I would cut her throat with it!

She never waited on me again after that. I think she thought I was serious......I was. I mean you never come between a women and her lancome makeup.

Bad Bob said...

I told you a long time ago I wanted to party with you and you said those days were long over. I knew it would be just a matter of time...
So my plan is to still party with you when I get down under.

Memphis Steve said...

I love engaging in humorous banter with the bouncers at strip clubs. They're always so anxious to joke around. And hurt people. Mostly they just joke around while they're hurting people, but at least they seem to have a healthy sense of humor. I'm usually less amused. A carving knife, eh? OJ Simpson would be proud!

EmmaK said...

ooh you know you're bad really really bad
like Michael Jackson in his BAD video

Adonis740 said...

I agree - they should've given you at least a 10% discount inside, for the time and inconvenience of the cop calling thing...

Kitty said...

how is the beresford hotel NEW?

i used to drink long island iced tea's and play pool with drag queens there 15 scary years ago...

you look so cute with your rucksack and your little scooter. like my friend's 5 year old who started prep this year.

awe. smoopie. xx

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: Sweetie...babe, Oh no sweetie, don't spend money on those girls. They don't love you like I do.

why sweetie...I'll show you how a lap dance should be danced. You just wait till I get there sweetie. And hold on to your money...There are other forms of compensation.

Me and my retinue will perform for you honey. We have 6 songs/dance routines for you babe...then I'll send them off to their hotel rooms :D

Ciao honey. Did they frisk you correctly? have a fab.

Josh said...

I am still worried about what sort of clients you have that think it would be a good idea to have you lap dance for them?

Is the Pitt St Ballet like a karaoke bar for Moulin Rouge wannabes?

Pearl said...

Surely there's video of this somewhere?

I was in line to get into a bar once where the man in front of me was forced to pull out a large rubber bag with hoses attached to it. Neither the bouncer nor I knew what it was (not that they cared if I knew) and the man was forced to admit it was for the administration of enemas. I would give TEN WHOLE DOLLARS to remember the rest of the conversation, but I was quite drunk at the time.
Ciao.
Pearl

Sweet Cheeks said...

Fingers, I'll give you TEN WHOLE DOLLARS to make up a story that you WERE in the bar with Pearl and the man with the rubber bag and hoses...make it good...you know you want to. And don't forget to include the errand monkey...
:)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers...baby, Where'd you go?

I'm thinking you have finally managed to get yourself hauled off to jail.

Um...if you need me to bail you out of jail honey, call me.

Till then...my advice is if you drop your bar of soap while showering...leave it there. :)

Ciao honey.

fifi said...

my god every time I come here i get really unpleasant flashbacks...

how you didnt scoot straight into something I will never know...

electro-kevin said...

I keep my shank skrewed to my bedpost - well the sheath is, not the shank. (I keep it for burglars)

http://scroblene-webley-bullock.blogspot.com/

This blew me away.

Jayne said...

Fingers, do you cause mayhem only when you're pissed or does the chaos ensue when you're sober too? :-)

electro-kevin said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ctm0xkjOC8&feature=channel

Sorry. I'd put the wrong link in before.

Les Miserable said...

You just can't cut it can you?

fingers said...

Sorry, I've been away for a few days...now where were we...

Clyde: What's your point there, Fucko ??
(hey that felt good again)

DeC: Whenever I see a couple of Islander teams smashing 50 different kinds of shit out of each other in the rugby I wonder what sort of carnage they must have inflicted on each other every Sunday before footy was invented.

Cat; Get a platinum Amex, Cat. Those things can be sharpened to a razor's edge.

BB: Awesome Bob. Come on down. I can use a guy like you to help smuggle my weapons into the clubs.

MS: Yes, that jolly Island nature makes them very amenable as bouncers.

Emmak: I'm surprised you had the energy to comment after all that sex last weekend.

Ad: I was the only person skinned that night. And they didn't use a knife either.

Kitty: It's had a facelift since then, Pooks. Bit like you in that respect...:)

Spiker: Oh I hope 'retinue' is French for vibrator.

Josh: You have bigger worries than that, Dancing Boy.

Pearl: Actually baby, it was me in the queue that day. I was working my way through Medical School as a minstrel and was about to play Amazing Grace on my home-made bagpipes when the bouncers caught me.

SC: That'll be ten bucks.

Spiker: I get out next Tuesday. can you pick me up.

Fifi: You were caught trying to get into a strip club with a knife too ??

E-K: I was wondering where you'd blown off to. Get back in here and blog. We all have to make sacrifices for our art, you selfish cunt.

Lombay: Boom boom...

rackorf said...

Choice Bro!! Yud hip the door fellas'd a chully bun fulla puss for ya ter meak up for it.

Bad Bob said...

That's what I wanted to hear! I will draw the line at the rubber bag and hoses, however.
I am inspired!!! I've been respectable way too long.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Oh sweetie...yes, I'll pick you up and run a nice bath for you too. Not to worry sweetie, I'll scrub your back...oops, I dropped the soap. No...no, I'll get it, you just relax.

The large thin crispy, double on the mushrooms pizza will be delivered soon too.

*Um, I hope I got the order right*

And I'll open a bottle of red wine...wake me in the morning. :D

Ciao baby...have a fabulous Wednesday...See and I didn't even tell you about my battle with my boss.

Madam Z said...

And some sour-faced prudes would say that excessive drunkenness clouds one's judgement. What dolts!

Clyde said...

Hey, no point
You're from Sydney

Tom Gaylord said...

I wanna party with you too! Although the strip club we would go to would be a different one........