My erstwhile blogging friend ‘Emmak’ suggested recently that I’d dropped the ball, so to speak, when it came to being a cunt.And I reluctantly agree, so enough of the memoirs for a while, no more lazy pictorial-posts, you’ve had your last cat anecdote…this is the ‘The Whine Guide’…and it’s for fucking whining.
Ironically, there was something from ‘Emmak’s’ blog that had been grinding my exceedingly slow gears all weekend…and I gave it plenty of thought while sitting in a splendid vineyard last Saturday night, drinking red wine from the bottle, gazing at the waxing moon and listening to that prick Eric Clapton give arguably the most boring, arrogant, self-indulgent concert in living memory.
And during his lifeless rendition of JJ Cahill’s ‘Cocaine’, when I took the hint and dashed off to the Porta-Loos for a fortifying hit of Pechanga, that I had my epiphany.
Well, it’s not so much from Emma’s blog as it is from the comment section, courtesy of that well-known champion of women’s’ rights…’Stalking in Memphis Steve’.
He stated, in between some other slobbering fulminations, that, ‘Meanwhile, China and Russia will crush us with very masculine, phallic-shaped missiles…’
Now it isn’t the first time I’ve heard this garbage, and to be fair to ‘Memphis’ I know he was being facetious…but I’ve sat through dinner party conversations where the subject of overly aggressive patriarchies and their deadly penis-shaped missiles has come up.
So, to all the ballistically-challenged fuckheads who insist on toeing this boring, clichéd line of reasoning I say the following; it’s not because men like to design these long-range engines of death in the image of their own noodles.
IT’S BECAUSE YOU CAN’T BUILD A FLYING VAJAJAY !!!
It just doesn’t work.
And even if you could…should anyone, even the vilest of enemies…ever be subjected to the indignity of having as their last mortal image…a 50-foot steel cunt coming at them at 10,000 miles per hour…
44 comments:
gee fingers, i don't know.
you survived alright. though i was travelling in kilometres i guess.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Uh, Jack, Jack, listen, tell me, tell me, Jack. When did you first... become... well, develop this theory?
General Jack D. Ripper: Well, I, uh... I... I... first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love.
Dr Strangelove
Jeez, what a way to go though. Could you imagine trying to explain that one to St Peter (or his demonic counterpart)?
Vajajay? Seriously? That is such an Oprah way to describe a vadge.
A vajayjay whistles very loudly in flight though. It gives the enemy time to scarper.
And loud whistling is why women parachutists are required by noise abatement law to wear knickers when parachuting near built up areas.
cause for phallic weaponry is simple aerodynamics surely? a bomb designed like a vagina would simply open up and be extremely slow in going down
I have finally arrived! I don't know what to say. I have inspired my very own post on The Whine Guide. You know, it isn't easy being a black woman in Hollywood. I mean, I hear she's easy, but she makes me hard. Somehow this makes sense. I didn't write an acceptance speech. But this award means more to me than ... than ... Obama's 'stimulus' check and a blow job from his wife.
I was actually just being a smart-ass when I commented on the phallic shaped missiles. You know, this Rocket City where I now work was built quite literally so German rocket scientists could have a place to do what they did so well - build flying penises. True story. Our civic center is named after Dr. Werner Von Braun and my high school was named after a dead astronaut. We take this missile shit deadly serious here. Dad had a top secret clearance and helped design and test the ICBMs that helped make America a big pain in Russia's ass. Our whole fucking house would shake whenever they tested those rocket motors miles away in 'The Secret Place'. So believe me, I realize that missiles are shaped like dicks only because it makes them aerodynamic enough to fly, whereas a giant pussy-shaped rocket wouldn't get very far. It could have a beneficial effect, though, if it could be made viable. I imagine the enemy soldiers would likely come out of hiding and welcome a giant flying pussy with open arms just prior to being blown to hell. Hmm, this is something worth considering. I should write up a proposal and present this to the generals next time they're in town - projectiles shaped like pussies. And when the flower-sniffing liberals are in power, I'm willing to bet they'd NEVER propose a reduction in our pussy stockpiles. It'd be too anti-feminist to ever do that. Oh Lord, I think I've had a stroke of genius here!
mmmmmmmm drinking red wine from the bottle........ that's even more sexy than slurping it from a box
Fingers sweetie...gazing at the waxing moon...oh.
Sweetie you promised you would never mention the pics I was emailing you. But it does make me kind of hot...hehehe
Eric Clapton...I liked Disraeli Gears while he was in Cream and didn't he just whine in the remake of Layla...so boring. I like the fast rock original version. But hey at least you had the wine to make it better.
Russians and Chinese crush us...ha, that is so laughable. Let me tell you just how cruel weapons of war have bcome...penis shaped missles are out...vadge shaped weapons of mass distructions are in. I can show you pics...um.
I'm sorry I can't say more about this subject...I'm sure my internet is being wire tapped, so mums the word...kay?
Ciao sweetie...have a fab day baby.
xxx
Kitty: *yawn*...is that the best you got ??
xl: Um, wasn't that in reference to putting fluoride in the water supply ??
Phish: It's a cunt of a way to die.
Steph: I wouldn't know since I don't watch her show. I tend to be working when it's on.
E-K: Nice job working two old jokes into one comment. I thought you'd be rusty after the layoff.
Emmak: I think that was my point...but hey, what would I know.
MS: I believe the Sapphite warriors of Lesbos used the concept of the Lesbian Vajajay long before the Trojans ever thought of the horse idea. Who wouldn't open the door if a giant cunt knocked on it ??
TG: Oh goody. My dream of becoming a gay icon has come true.
Spiker: Well, I thought I said 'waxing moon' but thanks for the pics of you 'waxing the poon' anyway...
You not have Foxtel? I hearts me some Oprah but she'd definitely say Vajajay and that is too chichi for words!
You did redeem yourself later for saying cunt, but I'd already recoiled in horror at the V word and didn't see it till just now.
As you were.
Steph: We have Foxtel but it's permanently glued to CNBC, as we are dedicated financial professionals here. Also, did you know that chichi is Japanese for doodle.
Anyway, gotta run...the pro wrestling is about to start...
Of course they have vagina shaped weapons---they hooplah the treasury bulding and put a squeeze on the economy
I don't think you are probably that offensive in real life (has anyone here met him in real life to substantiate this theory?) - you just have an offensive blog persona. Why you put on such a prickly act I am not sure. Maybe it all goes back to a a trauma you experienced towards the man who stole your foreskin? Also none of the your lady blogfans would probably like the real fingers: someone who cries at chick flicks and buys his mum flowers on her birthday.
fingers your dream of becoming a gay icon is becoming more real by the minute.... see my blog, ive nominated you to answer a sex questionaire on your blog hehe
emmak: Fingers...ha, if all men were like him...Woo!
I know he has a wondeful heart...but I'm not telling why.
He does though kick ass, huh! He's more than what people know and he doesn't boast.
I don't think he watches chick flicks and cries, though he might buy mummy flowers...
Fingers sweetie...do you want my new address, just in case you want to send me flowers...you know what flowers do to me. purrr.
Emmack, I just love him HARD. I think I'm become his bitch for evah. Hey don't blame me...psssst, he has butter, lots of it.
Um...fingers baby, sorry if I gave you away honey. And I was't kidding about my address. :D
Ciao baby, have a fab Wednesday.
Um, okay...I'll behave. :D
I don't remember much about the Sapphite warriors of Lesbos, although a do remember Lesbos. But here in the U.S. we call it 'Connecticut'. I don't doubt that they used vagina-shaped weapons, though. If you hide a catapult behind thick fern leaves it looks like a big bushy vadge, but one which fires large boulders out the gash, which is kind of scary if you think about it.
Sounds like you, Emma, and Spiky are getting together for a party. I was hoping to be able to invite you all up to Hamilton Island, but I didn't make the cut. Now apparently I'm going to be forced to sneak onto the island, kill the person who wins, and take their place hopefully without anyone noticing.
Steve...I come from a long line of Sapphite warriors.
Um, yeah, I am decendant from the queen of poets herself...Sappho.
"Here roses leave shadows on the ground and cold springs bubble through apple brances where shuddering leaves pour down profound sleep."
fingers...on the threesome...um, well okay.
I know I promised tg be behave...but I've never seen a gal get a spanking for behaving...but being bad...yes.
Ciao sweetie...can I bend over now? Please. :)
Eric Clapton giving an arrogant self-indulgent concert is spot on Fingers. He loves himself.
~Cheeky Kisses~
I've seen a flying cunt....calls himself John Travolta.......thank you, I'll be here all week.......
spiky zora jones...
Thanks for the insight into finger's psyche!
he has butter, lots of it.
oh God I am so naive is that a euphemism for something?
emmak: Um...butter. Tons and tons of butter.
Fingers likes to eat his large thin crispy double mushroosm pizza with lots of butter...and me too.
hehehehe
Ciao sweetie. :D
EmmaK- I've worked with fingers on and off for 10+ years and can discern no difference between the blogger and the real thing. Both are offensive though funny cunts!
I suspect he likes it here as he can state his views uninterrupted, and has time to construct witty replies to your comments.
Spiky - do sapphite warrior poets ever tie men up and then have sex with them? This seems to be a very old but popular fantasy, going back at least to Bettie Page days. I'm just hop... er, wondering.
"Clapton is god" That's what they used to say. Before that, "Peter Green is god" But then Peter went crazy. Today people look at the choice of celebrities and say "there is no god"
John Travolta. HA! That made me laugh. And I don't even dislike him.
I know who has met him in real life. They enjoy his boat and his food and spilling things on his carpet. Apparently he's a nice guy and puts up with quite a lot. But he still won't let me sleep in his garage.
spiky zora jones....!! oh I thought regarding your copious supplies of butter that you meant that you and fingers regularly reenact that scene from Last Tango In Paris. Only in your dreams eh?
GA....so fingers is an offensive but funny cunt. I'm beginning to think cunt means something else in Australia. In the UK it means like a total wanker, arsehole, dickhead etc whereas you seem to be saying it as a term of affection?
Fingers...where are you baby? I'm missing you and I know I have my own blog...but seeing you aren't here...
Hello!
*pulls keyboard closer*
Memphis Steve...yes, stop wondering and stay still so I can tie you up and have sex...yep. that pretty much is correct. hehehe.
Steve, on John Travolta....I've met him. yep shook his hand. He seemed to be a nice man. I was though very young. I'm taking single figures, like 4 years old, but I remember. Um...but I do get him and Andy Garcia confused. Woo.
Emmak...I've not seen Last Tango in Paris. But I know Marlin (Stella-Stella) Brando was in it. He was also part of the Jackson-5 right...Michael's brother?
In my dreams? Um...yeah. :) Okay, I should stop here. Fingers will spank me so hard for not behaving while he is away...
*****
fingers if you get angry with me...this is not me 'Spiky.' It's My evil twin sister 'Evil Spiky.'
But if you are okay with it...It's me Spiky. :D
Ciao sweetie...have a fabulous Thursday.
I think the world would be a much better place if there were flying vajayjas.
spiky zora jones...
not seen Last Tango in Paris??? how young are you exactly?????
There is a famous scene in it where Brando uses butter as a lubricant for anal sex. Watch it today!
emmak: I'm sure fingers would agree that that is a waste of butter...it has to be spread on, in generous amounts and licked clean...woo.
But hey...I'm open to any suggestions. hehehe.
Sweetie..where is that fingers?
*crickets*
Um...hey...wanta make out? :D
ciao sweetie. And I think I'll rent the dvd. Thanks honey.
...sigh.
;-)
Clyde: I think we've exhausted all the vaginal weapons humour to be wrung from this topic.
Emmak: I'm far worse in real life. Most people have to pretend they're uncaring to disguise how fragile they are. I have to pretend how much I care to disguise how much of a prick I am.
TG: Shit, I hope it's not one of those compulsory questionnaires.
Spiker: Ha, fooled another one.
SC: And I'm not even a fan of guitar so I was bored senseleless.
Jen: Champagne humour. I'll get my hook.
GA: You're a lying sack of shit. I've never worked with anyone who could write a whole sentence like that.
MS: The one thing Clapton and God have in common is that neither of the cunts have ever said a word to me.
Emmak: Have you set up your own private comment-within-a-comment section now ??
Spiker: Do you know what the penalties for hijacking are ??
Dani: We have enough problems already with birdshit.
Spiker: Yeah, let's make out. Follow me into the cellar please.
SC: Yep, it's hard work sometimes...
Z: It's a cunt of an idea...
Yup
I think you got the lot
fingers...What...follow you to the cellar?
Hey, I've heard about the cellar!!!
Um...lets hurry, baby. :D
Ciao honey...Hope you ae having a fab Saturday.
Still making a cunt of yourself I see. Good work. Flying fannies? Now that's a concept.
Hey my new book is out this week - "How To Avoid Little Shits". Yeah...it's a guidebook to Paris. Plenty of cunts here mate.
BTW I would have thought the Charlie was rationed after that nephew of Iva Butt-Rose got nicked last week with 7.7 keys of the stuff. And what about the $1.3 found in shoeboxes in his cupboard eh? Spose that was just his walking-around-money.
à bientôt Mate.
OK, I for one think the flying cunt missile defense system is an excellent idea, but it's too politically incorrect for the bitches in the U.S. government to ever consider. Obamama would ask his manly wife for permission and she would say 'no'.
Second, what's wrong with memoirs? We were right in the middle of a story about a flying Mercedes and a Mercedes defense system in the shape of a police DUI van when we suddenly diverted to commercial. And now we're discussing Oprah. Sure, Steph loves her some Oprah. And I love me some Steph. But I fucking hate Oprah and I can't even pretend not to. I say back to the drunk driving story and calling everyone cunt and all that.
Did you know that a fairly recent study determined that the best investors are all sociopaths? 'Tis true (St Patrick's Day - have to speak faux Irish today.) Dr. House would make a great hedge fund manager. Speaking of that, one of the drawbacks to giving all your millions to a sociopath to invest is that they may or may not rob you fucking blind, Bernie Madoff-style. But, on the off chance that they actually do invest your money, supposedly they make better decisions in the market due to their utter lack of fear, remorse, or giving a shit if they lose everyone else's money on a huge disaster like AOL. It's a steady, but greedy hand at the wheel, so to speak.
Flying cunt - John Travolta! Oh, I'm still laughing at that one. If only Joe Biden had a pilot's license it would be ten times funnier. Better still would be to just throw him out of Air Force One and laugh the whole time as he plummeted to his death. Cunts are supposed to be messy, right?
I just want to say, I have had a crush on you for the longest time. xx NJ
And I just want to say I want you to turn me on some time by suckingObama Fingers dripping in butter.
Who do I have to talk to to get the term "vajajay" scrubbed out of the English language?!
Anyway, the vagina wouldn't fly well, although if we're talking alternative propulsion perhaps there's a thrust-and-spurt sort of movement across the sky... Doesn't sound very sneaky though, does it?
As for Eric Clapton, I have to agree with you. Anything after Cream was commonplace.
Pearl
Just stopping by to say Hi!
~Cheeky Kisses~ for Fingers.
:)
the winged pussy would work in space ... also the splayed labia could be like solar panels or something..
Clyde: I sure hope so.
Smack: Not as much as King Prawns do if you slice them up right and throw them on a hotplate.
Spiker: Down the stairs. Come on now.
Lombay: Dick Buttfuck was a moron just waiting to get caught. And his stuff was shit. I'm surprised there was enough coke in his coke to charge him.
MS: I'm changing my will and leaving you my blog in it.
P23: Awesome. See...this is why I blog. So anonymous married chicks can declare their love for me.
Emmak: And the unanonymous ones. Inanonymous ?? Nonanonymous ?? Fuck, the ones I do know.
Pearl: How do you feel about 'pee-pee' ??
SC: Hi there gorgeous.
Mutley: And docking with them would be lots of fun too...
That would be fortunate for me 'cause no one's reading mine anymore. Perhaps I should drink more heavily before I write?
The more I look at that picture, the more I think it looks like a tampon.....
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