Sunday, March 22, 2009

this is an all day sucker...

Not to be confused with me...the all day and all night sucker...
For the past year or so I’ve been actively pursuing this certain chick…
Not systematically chasing her like I would have in the old days when I was a mighty hunter armed with a quiver full of sharpened spears and arrows. Those days are long gone. I’m less of a hunter and more the collector now.
And since I’m down to my last rusty arrow it’s probably for the best.
Nevertheless, this chick has become my obsession, my Holy Grail…my White Whale; except that I call her ‘The Elephant’. She earns that title not because she looks anything like an elephant; in fact she’s more of a gazelle, a very hot gazelle, with amazingly hot gazelle-legs. No, I call her ‘The Elephant’ because if I somehow manage to bring her down on what’s sure to be my last expedition…I will never have to kill again.
Anyway, enough of the metaphors; you get the drift.
We go out on these dates…apparently. I assume they’re dates because she calls them dates, gets all dressed up like she’s on a date and I always pick up the bill.
However this is where the similarity between our dates and actual dates (the ones I remember going on in an earlier life) ends.
Our dates mostly consist of my asking how she is…and her spending the rest of the evening telling me; in excruciating detail. Not just recent detail either…recent detail mixed with historical detail…reams of past-relationship detail, a list of complaints about ex-boyfriends/husbands and a full psychological deconstruction of her early childhood and its connection to her poor relationship decision-making.
If she wasn’t so fucking hot, I’d stab her in the eye with my oyster fork…
So I sit there and listen while she blathers on and on about it. Actually, I don’t even listen anymore since I know the spiel off-by-heart. Mostly I do long-division in my head and nod occasionally…and think about her legs…those amazingly hot gazelle-legs…parked behind her ears…or mine…or both.
Not that this has happened yet.
Sometimes, to relieve the tedium I play a game with her, changing the topic to something preposterously left-field and noting how many degrees of separation it takes her to segue back to the regular programming. For instance the other week, just as she was about to launch into the “…Honestly, Fingers I just seem to attract these losers…”, I cut her off with a tricky, “Hey did you see that Foreign Correspondent episode on the cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe ??”
I had this figured for a four-degree segue at best…
‘The Elephant’ smoked me in one move.
“No, I didn’t see it…but I remember in Singapore last year I got some sort of stomach-bug and ‘Fuck Knuckle’ just left me in the hotel room and went out for two days sight-seeing and drinking…”
“That was awesome.”
“What ??”
“Nothing…you were saying…”
“Honestly, Fingers I just seem to attract these losers. What is it about me that says ‘Losers Apply Here’ ?? I mean do I have a sign on my head that proclaims I’m only available if you’re a loser ??”
“Well, I’m here now, baby…so you don’t need to worry about that anymore.”
“Yes but why can’t I meet any nice boys…banker boys, good-looking with brains and a sense of humour??”

Have I mentioned what amazingly hot gazelle-legs she has ??
“I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I weren’t made entirely of chopped-liver and onions though.”
“What ??”
“Nothing. You were saying how difficult it was meeting a nice boy…sorry for interrupting. Shall we get some more wine…??”
“Yes, can we get another bottle of that nice shiraz ?? Seriously though Fingers…where does a girl go to meet eligible guys these days??”
“Yes, I know what you mean. I don’t seem to meet any single chicks these days either. Not good-looking, successful, smart or funny ones…”

And I’m secretly wondering whether she’ll take this outrageous bait.
“Well thanks a lot. That makes me feel really special.”
Have I mentioned what amazingly hot gazelle-legs she has ??
“Fucking hell, Fingers…it’s not like I’m asking for the world here…it’s just that…”
And I can see her lips moving and I hear some words coming out and I feel the overwhelming urge to yawn, which will surely kill the date stone-dead, so I clench my teeth as the yawn rolls over me like a wave of liquid Rohypnol…and I wonder whether right at the point of yawning my eyes will cloud over and give me away ?? Is it dangerous to try and stifle a yawn ?? I once heard that keeping your eyes open during a sneeze could kill you…perhaps this is the same ?? Three-thousand five hundred and twelve divided by eight equals four-carry-the-three…

Did I mention the legs though…


Kitty said...

As you are already painfully aware Smoopie, I hate on the elephant.

Nobody is that good. Nobody.

Anonymous said...

Oh, stab her with the oyster fork and go and get yourself a real woman. There are other women with great legs, and most of them have ears, which this woman clearly does not.
You're no sucker, Fingers.

Anonymous said...

I say hang in there for a bit longer, she might wake up and realise that she's being a bit of a one-man-show, hogging all the limelight.
Give her another date and if she doesn't shut up, you need to just come out with it and tell her the truth. It might just get you laid.

Anonymous said...

Stab her.

Fanny F said...

Bring it to a head. Take her in your mouth like a sucker lollipop, suck a bit and see if it’s juicy. If it’s not, find someone who isn’t so self obsessed.


For someone so gobby, I am surprised that you haven't told her you like her. You know she is never going to take the focus off of herself to notice!
Besides, once put in the 'friend' box, men are NEVER allowed in the other. No pun intended.

Why would you even fancy someone like this?Her legs aside,of course.

Anonymous said...

If you don't get a shag in, say, two more dates? Ditch her. Be a real man!

I can't see what yhou're getting out of it, apart from desperately bored. And the nice-legs view. Hardly worth it.

Madam Z said...

I agree with Jen. "stab her with the oyster fork and go and get yourself a real woman!" Once a woman's legs are "up behind her ears" it doesn't really matter if they're gazelle legs or elephant legs, does it? If you're really that fussy though, just turn off the light! All cats (to continue the animal theme) are grey in the dark. And...she won't notice if you yawn.

xl said...

Not worth it, mate.

searchingwithin said...

Personally, I think you should save that last rusty arrow for another kill, because it sounds to me like you are in the "friend zone", and it will hard for you to get out of it.

Best Wishes.

EmmaK said...

I don't get it. She sounds like a total yawn. Aren't you better off getting a deaf mute who might go on all night but can't utter a sound. Yeah you need a deaf mute with gazelle legs. Get on Craigs List.

cat said...

I must say she is either very SLOW or just too vain to realise she is in the company of a good man and can't shut-up long enough to notice.

Someone should give the poor girl a clue and then maybe she'll see it.

Fingers, don't waste much of your time on a women who re-lives the past. They seem to come with too much luggage and you will pay for all the other men mistakes. Not much worth it.

I have friends who are like your dinner mate and they never get beyond their last bedmate or boyfriends mis-use of them. They go on and on and never resolve it.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Oh my sweet sweet baby...this is fiction huh...What gal would not spread her gazelle legs for you?

If tt's don't need the bitch. Um...but she does have hot gazelle legs, huh?

Okay, what you need is a plan of attack.


Before we get started...just remember this.Sometimes when you wait and wait...the sex really wasn't worth it. Shakepeare said that in Henry v...I think.

"Can this cockpit hold
the vasty fields of france? Or may we cram within this wooden O the very casques that did affright the air at agincourt?"

Okay that was training. If you didn't yawn at can do it.

You were not listening to her...she wants a loser...a guy that doesn't give her notice...she knows she is hot with gazelle legs and is baiting you. the bad boy, be the dangerous one.

Yawn and say...yes , you've mentioned that shit before and express how well your memory really is and she doesn't need to repeat it over and over aagain. dangerous and be the bad boy...don't give her compliments...bait her right back. She will bite...then you pull her in...right into your bed.

Plan of attact...dancing and booze...lots of booze, sweetie. It always worked with me.

Just making sure...What you really want is to bed her, right?

(see I was nice and didn't say you just wanted to fuck her.)

It's obvious she isn't right for you in a long term relationship.

It's time to play cat and mouse. And you are the CAT...ask her out again then cancel. Something suddenly came up...and it wasn't you. She will have that linger at the back of her's a seed baby.

Do I still have your attention or should I show you my gazelle wake you? Ahem., I know you can have who you I'm going to give you my best advise...forget that crap I said.

You win her by being the fabulous person you are. That wonderful person you are is right there in front of her. The fingers I know is worth spreading gazelle legs for.

If it was me...I'd only ask you for one thing...bring the butter.

Okay two things...the Shariz as well.

If she doesn't respond...then it's like what Shakespeare said...she and the sex wasn't worth it.

I kind of disagree with William on have to do it at least once...right. Just to know.

Ciao baby. have a fabulous day.

Oh, one more thing...tell me again about her legs. :D

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...sweetie...sorry about the mini post here. :D
Ciao honey.

Memphis Steve said...

So, are you all out of rohypnol or what? You might actually get to see what her face looks like with her mouth closed for a change. I mean, unless she snores.

Anonymous said...

the legs
the legs

you need a date where a bikini is unavoidable

the legs man, think of the legs

if all else fails you'll still have the legs in the bank for a lonely night

fingers said...

Aw, aren't you all just adorable jumping to my defence like that. I'm not quite sure where on the post I asked for helpful tactical suggestions regarding the matter but I suppose it was inevitable. Getting dating/relationship advice from you lot is like getting a driving lesson from a Chinese woman.
I mean just how dumb do you think I am ?? Obviously she's a time-wasting cabbage...but that's the beauty of the obsession. It's pointless. Ahab's obsession with Moby Dick was pointless too. It's not really a story about a madman chasing a whale; it's an allegory for the futility of obsession, the hopelessness of trying to exact revenge from a dumb animal.
Moby Dick chewed one of Ahab's legs off. In my case The Elephant has chewed one of my ears off.
Ahab was prepared to risk everything, his other leg and ultimately his life for the thrill of plunging his harpoon into Moby's flesh.
I'm risking my other ear for the same thrill and my harpoon is at the ready...

Adonis740 said...

Keep that rusty harpoon ready, my good man, for all I want is the tale of how you got the whale in the end....

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Okay this is my best advice...don't laugh. It works. I learned this from an American Cowboy.

Baby, when you are take the wine. Right!

When you are take the food.

When you want the take the woman.

So stop pussing footing around and...just fuck me, I mean her.

Ciao sweetie. have a fab day. :)

Spiky Zora Jones said..., I read that book.

Hey Starbuck and I are jumping ship...and we're gabbing us a cup of those fruity mocca chocca latte coffees...

Any way...captain fingers...listen to the crew and turn your back on this whale, er...elephant.

She'll break your harpoon just like she has all the others...ARRRRR!

Silly me...I forgot you only have one ear and can't hear.

Tell me again...about the rabbits george, tell me about the rabbit farm, george.

How you'll take care of them, and you'll pet them and spread those gazelle legs...

Ciao sweetie...have a fab day.

fingers said...

Kitty: You are my Queequeg, baby. He was always telling Ahab, 'I hate on that fucking whale. Let's go catch tuna instead.'

Jen: A few weeks ago we were having breakfast somewhere...not coz she spent the night or anything...and I had a little bowl of rock salt in front of me...I was playing a game and every time she mentioned an ex I moved a piece of rock salt into a pile. After an hour I had more salt in front of me than was left in the bowl...and she goes 'What are you doing with that big pile of salt rocks??'

SK: One date, five dates, a hundred's all a bit of a blur now.

Fanny: But we have so much in common. We're both obsessed with her.

Uber: You plonker. I'm only good at telling people I don't like them.

P23: I'm getting all the pain associated with a relationship but without the commitment. It's perfect. And then there's those legs.

Z: What can I say. She's MY guilty shame.

xl: What is mate ??

SW: Hello there. Welcome to TWG. I relish the challenge of escaping the friend zone. It'll be like when Seinfeld attempts the room mate swap.

Emmak: And if she was in a wheelchair I'd never have to go dancing again either.

Cat: Couldn't agree more. I didn't break her so it's not my job to fix her. Your friends sound nice though. Have they got good legs ??

Spiker: I can barely deal with Melville's laboured prose, let along that dullard Shakespeare's catatonic poetry. Now, show me those legs.

MS: See, you're the sort of guy who would hunt whales with dynamite. Where's your sense of sportsmanship, man ??

Dog: Ha, she's been draped over the back of the boat like a louche. Nothing. And I'm not sure that being in a bikini will make HER any hornier ??

Ad: Moby Dick dragged Ahab with him when he died.

Spiker: Thanks. Why don't I just hit her over the head with a rock...

Josh said...

If she is your white whale I will send my Nipponese friends around to carry out some research on her and save you the ear ache.

Ms Smack said...

Still chasing her I see....

Enjoyed the update.


Memphis Steve said...

What's wrong with a little dynamite, especially when you're pressed for time?

If it's sport you want then bring along a second woman, hotter than she is, to give her a little competition. You know, a wingman, so to speak. I'll bet Kylie would gladly help. Get Steph to call her and invite her to go boating with the two of you before the weather gets too cool for tiny bikinis which may or may not come off after a few drinks. Seriously, I'll bet Kylie would be up for it just to have a laugh. Come to think of it, Steph has a whole collection of hot friends in your neck of the woods. You could play Hugh Hefner with a whole parade of hot bikini girls on your boat. If that doesn't get your white whale's attention then clearly she's brain-damaged and you could probably pull her panties down and harpoon her while she's talking without disturbing her in the least.

". . . from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."

Anonymous said...

Well Fingers...

I'm honestly torn...I want to tell you to fuck her, stab her, and then drop her...

...but part of me wants you to play a little longer.

Maybe make a date where you can only speak in questons...

Or have an opposite date...Make her say the opposite of what she intends...she would have to say how great everything was...that would be a refreshing change.

Just want you to be happy honey!

~Cheeky Kisses~

Anonymous said...

Would you date me Fingers?

fingers said...

Josh: Surely you could have worked a sperm whale into that crappy gag, mate.

MS: Steph would be totally intimidated by this chick's physique; she'd look like a Hippopotamass next to The Elephant.

SC: 'fuck her, stab her, and then drop her...'...hahahaha, I wonder what your regulars would say if they saw that ??

TG: I assume 'to date' is some sort of gay code for bum-sex, so that will have to be a negative, Ghostrider...


hahahahahaha! Maybe you should feign you don't like her, then she will have to 'win you over',wondering why even you are not interested.

'And why do you always have to pay for the non-dates? Even if they were real dates, she should be paying her share.

I think that's the answer- you sell yourself too cheaply.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...I'm jealous of the elephant. Why does she get to date you and not me?


It's not fair I tell you.

Me thinks I should meet the elephant. I haven't been on a hunt in a while and I know poaching for ivory is illegal...but who cares...

Bring out the boats and the harpoons...we're going hunting...Starbuck.

And we're not stopping till I get rid of one pesky elephant whale.

Um...gazelle legs, huh...I might want to rethink this over.

Do you think that maybe her and I could know maybe...get along? Well you never know...some straight girls do experiment.

Ciao sweetie I'll be right back in a bit...Thar she blows.


*~Dani~* said...

Those must be some legs. Hope the prize is worth the pain.

Josh said...

If you want a sperm whale you had better go on the hunt for Tom Gaylord or track down the very rare BoBo.

EmmaK said...

Now you're thinking outside the box! Break her legs like in the movie MISERY, then lock her in your house and enjoy the captivating feeling of her being captive. You might end up in jail eventually but what the hell, the course of true love never did run smooth!

Memphis Steve said...

I want to see these mythical legs of which you speak. Don't you have a camera phone? As long as she's sitting there drinking your wine and eating the fine food you paid for I should think you're entitled to a quick 'upskirt' photo under the table. Let's see what she's got.

Pearl said...

Ahhh, the Elephant who knows she's an Elephant.

In the wild, they make too much noise and are abandoned by the tribe.


electro-kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
( . )( . ) said...

I dont understand the part where you havent boned her yet.

De Campo said...

Fucking Zarathustra.

I love how there are throngs of women in here offering up the advise that you can do better (you probably can’t), all the while not volunteering to let you play safari with them.

No penis bearer will hate on your pursuit of gazelle heel shaped bruises on your temples. I offer no advice, only encouragement in these uncertain times. You will, you must, persevere!

xl said...

Offer her some buttered pizza. If she's seen Last Tango In Paris she might take a hint.

Jayne said...

Stab her in both fucking eyes Fingers - grab an extra fork! Jaysus, you're letting yerself down darlin if you think she's worth the chase, legs or no fucking legs!
Jen sums it up very nicely.

I bet you fifty bucks (no pun intended) that if you do get to impale her with your harpoon, it won't be worth it. Step away from the light Fingers, while you still have one ear left!

rage said...

She seems a little too focused on HER. I think if you were to land her for life(despite how hot she is), you would find yourself in a miserable mess for the rest of your life.

You're so much better than that.

electro-kevin said...

Wow Jayne. Such hostility.

I know you had a shit holiday and all that but cut the girl some slack.

She's bound to be a bit sore after I've bent her over Finger's favourite chair.

Clyde said...

Jebus H Christ man, do you wonder why she loves to talk about ex boyfriends / husbands ?
Cos there have been plenty of them, all attracted to her legs / head and none who could tolerate her ego.
Could you wake up to her inane chat for the rest of your life---you cant even handle the date chat.
Sory mate but it's back to grab a granny for another one

Yep, stab her
Or at least go with a new openning line at your next date "So, do you wanna fuck"

Jayne said...

electro-kev, sorry hon - the hostility comes from living here. It might be time to go home, preferably before I strangle someone with their fanbelt & shove the t-cloth down their throat.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...sweetie babe, I have to agree with Clyde somewhat...

That begining line..."Do you want to fuck?"...always worked on me.

I thought all the hot Aussies used that when I was in Oz last year.

Plus sweets, my young gazzelle legs are so better better than But you know that...huh baby?

Ciao sweetie...xxxooo

fingers said...

Uber: I don't like anyone. Why would I need to pretend I don't like her ??

Dani: It's starting to become a very close contest but the legs are still slightly in front.

Josh: Where is that cunt BooBoo anyway ??

Emmak: No, nothing wrong with you baby.

MS: Or as Andrew Dice Clay would say, 'the amount of money you spend on dinner is proportional to the number of fingers you're allowed to stick in her snatch when you're kissing her goodnight'.

Pearl: I'm determined to keep reading that comment until it makes sense.

(.)(.): You will when the drugs wear off.

DeC: Thank you my friend. As a member of the United States Armed Forces, if anyone can understand the logic of a pointless, protracted, expensive will be you.

xl: You're single...right ??

Jiney: Oh pffft. And I suppose smoking crack is bad for me too.

Rage: The rest of my life ?? I'm lucky if most of my relationships last the end of the week.

E-K: Onya, Bwana.

Clyde: Mate, if I'm not talking I'm not listening anyway so what the fuck do I care what she's blathering about.

Spiker: You'd better walk the walk when you get here baby...

shawkshop said...

C'mon fingers .... you were begging for some sympathy from your opening comments, about not be able to last a decent cup of tea (including filling the kettle, boiling the kettle, warming the china, etc etc ...) why don't you try cutting to the chase, leaning over the table ... telling her exactly how much you love those legs , and everything else that is attached to them... and whispering in her ear how much fun it would be to fuck both her and you up royally .... I dont know but it works for me.....harden the fuck up.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers baby, you know I will...that's why I'm bringing along my storm trooper boots.

Okay if I bring my little leather whip...You might want to use it on me. :)

Let the show begin....mein herr.

unique_stephen said...

I've been turning this post over in my head for days. I didn't want to say something trite or insensitive, some shallow badly crafted attempt at wit at your expense given that the autumnal years of your love life are passing so swiftly.

The best advise that I think I can distil from my ruminations is this:


Memphis Steve said...

Australia needs its very own Dear Abby columnist for this sort of thing. And I nominate Unique_Stephen for the job. This kind of relationship advice is priceless.

electro-kevin said...

Off topic.

What's this I hear about Kevin Rudd being a cunt to an air stewardess ?

These lefties are all the same. Bullies at heart.

Anonymous said...

Great Blog - new to me because I am new to this. Love finding a blog where I see you have left a smart comment. Everyone needs a slapping now an then......
Will be back to go backwards in time and try to catch up on some of your earlier postings - like the ones from the 80"s, when Dynasty ruled!
Be gud - Kyle Devin

Thank God you don't have one of those "letter puzzle pain in the ass" things you must successfuly complete to post a comment. I piss on those blogs!

emsy said...'ve got to have a plan.

even the good captain ahab had a plan, even if it involved madly roaming the seas, stomping up and down the ship deck, gradually making his wooden leg shorter.

otherwise how else will you find out what the apex of these two delicious pins looks/feels/tastes like?

a hunter, even an old one, doesn't just go out into the fields randomly chatting to gazelle about the weather. no! he stalks. he lurks. he plans. he plots. he has a nap. then he gets up and struggles to wee on a tree cos of his enlarged prostate. then he lures. then he strikes!

now get on with it. i want to know if a snatch in the hand is worth two ears in the bin.

Anonymous said...

Off Topic:

Hi Fingers! I was thinking of your dad today...How is he doing?

~Cheeky Sweets~

fingers said...

SS: Hey mate, did you realise while you were over here dishing out tactical advice that some cunt has stolen your entire blog ??

Spiker: Nein nein, Ninety-nine.

US: Nothing autumnal about it mate. it's decidedly mid-winter here in the No Gazelle Zone.

MS: Brilliant idea. We can call it 'Dear Cunt'.

EK: And then the Libs go and make even bigger cunts of themselves demanding he resign as PM over it. Zzzzzzzz.

KD: Welcome aboard. I've been looking for a new gay token in here. Gaylord has been abusing his privilege as the sole hommer in here coz he knows I need at least one to keep receiving my minority blogging subsidy.

E: The best laid plans of whalers and gazelles often go astray. Mostly coz whalers and gazelles aren't very bright.

SC: Dad's doing great. Thank you for the thoughts. With his new carotid artery he thinks he's Steve Austin and can re-abuse himself with even greater vigour...

Memphis Steve said...

Dear Cunt,

my wife doesn't understand me. I like porn and beer and football and lazing around on the couch on the weekends, and all she does is bitch, bitch, bitch at me. I try to tell her to get stuffed, but when I do she smacks me around. She's a big fat Russian twat and I'm sick of fighting with her. What's the best way to get rid of the body after I push her down the stairs?

Laurence of Leeds, UK

fifi said...

surely you can find an equally hot pair of legs with something a little nicer attached to the upper extremity?

I dont think you need that particular pair.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers sweetie...where are you. The kids are asking for you.

I'll goose step march in my storm trooper boots for you...if you come home, baby.

I'll have a tub of butter in the frig and a large double mushroom, crispy thin crust pizza on order for delivery...just for you.

come home baby...ciao. xxx

Anonymous said...

Memphis's letter made me laugh...I admit it.

He almost got killed by an asshole obviously he has amnesia...maybe you could help him out and remind him who he is...

Electro Kevin's best girl...

(Kidding Memphis Honey...)

Les Miserable said...

One of your best posts yet. Five ✭ .

When's the fucking book coming out you slacker?

Can you email me mate? Got something for you. (Delete this bit from the post if you like)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hi baby...I came by to wish you a Happy Easter.

So...HAPPY EASTER. Woo hoo.

Me and girlfriend will spend the holiday F*cking like bunnies...wish you were here. :)

Ciao sweetie. xxx

Anonymous said...

Happy Easter Fingers!


I hope you got some tail!

Anonymous said...

Honestly - just give up on the boring self obsessed bitch. Find someone intelligent to fuck...

Memphis Steve said...

So, we are not entertaining you like we used to, eh? Or the Australian Fall is getting you down. Or the financial bargains out there coupled with the hope of a slight upturn are keeping you distracted. Or perhaps the redistribution of/destruction of wealth currently taking shape in the U.S. has you frantically moving money to Asia, eh? Can't blame you. The future's so bright I gotta wear shades.

So, tell me a story about taking Steph and Kylie out on the boat and the wild goings on they got you into. You can totally make it all up if you like. How would I even know?

Anonymous said...


I know this is an older writing of yours but since I just stumbled on your Blog the other day I just got around to reading this today. It was funny and very well written. You have talent with expressing yourself in writing.


Iron "GeekGirl" Misty said...

It does kill you. Just not right away. It will sneak up on you late in life. I don't want to spoil the surprise.
Meanwhile, practice in front of a mirror. That's what I do. That's all I'm going to say about it.

fingers said...

Paige: Good grief...when did you stumble in here ?? Welcome to TWG. And thank you for your kind words, although they will not save you from a smack on the bum if you step out of line.

Misty: I'll make a note of that however it's already quite late in my life...

dr.alistair said...

dear laurence of leeds.