Sunday, April 26, 2009

so the weekend's over and you think your life is shit...

Inspired by the tireless legions of people who will try to bring you down by reminding you it's Monday, I offer this different view of the world and ask you to consider what Life might be like had Fate seen fit to make you a blowfly...

'I remember my first impression of the world as though it were last week; unsurprising really given that it was only last week. Abandoned in a putrid dumpster by a well-meaning mother, the world seemed utterly devoid of anything. Total darkness, complete silence…
Of course with hindsight…and hindhearing…I realize this initial impression was almost certainly due to the fact I’d been born both blind and deaf, though I didn’t know that at the time.
However what was apparent was that in one of Nature’s crueler ironies, taking into account the immediate surroundings, I had been given a magnificently acute sense of smell. It’s commonly accepted that when you’re a maggot you have to expect these types of bad breaks? On the other hand when you start life as a maggot there’s another school of thought that says you’re also entitled to some sort of assurance that things can’t possibly get much worse.
That’s the thorny philosophical quality-of-life issue I had been contemplating when the hunger pains kicked in…
Just light tremors to begin with...but lumbered as I was with a larval body-plan consisting of seventy-five percent stomach those tremors quickly turned into a full-blown hunger-quake. As my minimal luck so far would have it, mother had had the instinctive good sense to provide for this eventuality; when she flew off, she did so leaving me perched atop a vast expanse of steadily-ripening hamburger. Its rancid stench was music to my nose; a vast desert of salmonella it may have been to some…but to me it was a tropical island of filet mignon.
Rolling my cumbersome body over to take advantage of the situation, I just hoped that cunt Nature, which had so far overlooked me in the eyes and ears department…had bothered to give me a mouth…'

to be cont'd...

53 comments:

Kitty said...

you totally poached my latest sign off!

To be continued....

???

!!!

abbreviamatering the 'continued' is not going to get you off the hook. you COPY KAT.

THE. END.

xl said...

"The Elephant" has really gotten to you, hasn't she, mate?

Ms Smack said...

She must be something, eh, xl?

Memphis Steve said...

Only a truly creative, or highly stoned person could conceive of writing a post from the perspective of a maggot. I applaud you, sir.

Kitty said...

...what XL said too.

WHATever. I did think that it was clever of you to be a maggot, but you are always hearing that.

It's like telling me I'm fuckable.

Deeeeer?! Already know.

De Campo said...

You’re the Kafka of the blogosphere.

BamBamBam said...

Perhaps you were just feeling like a maggot after putting down "BEDUNCED" in a hapless attempt to catch me in the World Word-Builder-Assisted Scrabble Bollox-a-thon?? And you had the tenacity to criticise my word, "GANEF". It's very common, as in "I'm ganef uck you over"...

fingers said...

Kitty: I thought your sign off was 'to be cunted' ???

xl: Nope, I was just allowing my fertile imagination to run wild and see where it led me. Successful bloggers like myself are allowed these artisitc indulgences at times. You cunt...:)

Smack: The only thing she is now...is history.

MS: Thanks mate. If I can reach just one pretentious wanker then my efforts have been worth it.

Kitty: Just once I'd like to hear someone tell me that I'm fuckable and that you're clever.

DeC: Well spotted...but with Steve here I don't need another pretentious wanker. (Good to know someone's awake though.)

BBB: Well, well, well...if it isn't my miniature nemesis from FB Scrabble. What a shame your excellent spelling is ruined by your pitiful comprehension. I believe the word you're looking for there is 'TEMERITY', Poindexter. But keep at it; no one said English was an easy language to learn...

Sweet Cheeks said...

Fingers!!!

You're so fuckable!

And that Kitty...

She's a clever girl!

(Just helping you out there Baby)

Kisses~
Cheeky

BamBamBam said...

Did you just bedunce my English?

fingers said...

SC: Thanks Cheeks. If I were an ungrateful bastard I'd say that just once I'd like to hear it from a single chick under the age of sixty-five...but that's not my style.

BBB: Yes, now put on your bedunce cap and go sit in the corner with your dictionary...

Kitty said...

ok, ok!

"Fingers, baby, smoopie darling.....I'm fuckable and you're clever!"

BAAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahaaaaa

sucka.

Kitty said...

P.S. I'm am clever and you ARE fuckable you stupid old cunt.

I fucked you. REMEMBER?

( . )( . ) said...

A day in the life of a maggot. How very curious.

Memphis Steve said...

I can only be properly pretentious when the coffee is strong and fresh. Today it's just not making it. All it's done for me is give me a massive need to poo. I think I'll go sleep on the toilet with the paper for an hour and dream of being lost in a bathroom somewhere in Australia.

EmmaK said...

you are full of shit

Sweet Cheeks said...

Sad Cheeks...

:(

fingers said...

Kitty: I have no idea what you are banging on about now.

(.)(.): Flies only live for a week so a day's a long time.

MS: Lost In Ablution.

EmmaK: That's coz I eat shit, yeah ?? Well, 75 brazillion flies can't be wrong, can they.

SC: Oh Cheeks...I'd never be mean to you. I actually forgot to put the :) thingee on the end of that. Please accept a big hug from me and one of these...xxx

Madam Z said...

But! If Fate had made me a blowfly, I would have no need to commute 20 miles to work, five days a week. I wouldn't have to worry about proper business attire. I wouldn't have a cunt for a boss. I would have no need for a retirement plan, therefore sparing me the pain of watching it swirl down the toilet. Health care? Pfft! When you're raised in a dumpster, eating rotting meat, you develop a remarkable resistance to infection. So really...it doesn't sound all that bad to me.

Jen said...

OK, I will listen no more to your objections to memes after reading that.

Fanny F said...

Oh dear, you must have had a really bad weekend, Fingers. Or maybe your Spanish Fly factory has become a bit of an obsession?

xl said...

"artisitc indulgences at times. You cunt...:)"

Hey, no smiley faces! Cnut!

electro-kevin said...

This maggot should count itself lucky not to have a barbed hook shoved up its arse and then be half drowned.

Life does get worse... until one finds Cod.

rage said...

I'd rather be a blowfly than go to work.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hi honey I'm home from the tour vacay with the retinue.

Did you miss me baby?

Will write later...

Um, I think you're fuckable!!!
ciao baby...xxx

cat said...

My clever man of mine. Your Cleverness is quite my amazement.

Where or I mean, what does one have to smoke to come up with a story like this?

See, not only are you handsome but, quite clever also.

electro-kevin said...

Hey, Fingers ! Speak to us, buddy !

I'm trying to get my mind off of what is being done to us in da YooKay.

We've gone from fiscal rectitude to rectal fistitude in two short years and I'm in need of some comic relief.

fingers said...

Z: You would have a pretty good immune system as a blowfly. I bet blowflies don't worry about getting swine flu.

Jen: This is creative writing. Not very good creative writing but creative nevertheless. Memes are simply self-important press conferences.

FF: Hey, what's the big idea going private and not inviting me to your blog ?? Not happy, Fan.

xl: You're right. It's a sign of weakness. You cunt.

E-K: Oh Cod. I saw that weirdo from River Cottage trying to catch some hideous little trout using a bucket of live maggots last weekend.

rage: Life's no picnic when you're a blowfly either. Well, sometimes it is...but then a picnic is work for a blowfly.

Spiker: Was this the annual FBI can-can tour ??

Cat: Hi baby. Where have you been ?? And more importantly, how are you feeling ??

E-K: Mate, I'm at the crossroads of blogging. I love writing but there needs to be a point and this is not very pointy.

All: I have an idea. What would you say if I tried to write my best-selling novel here on TWG ?? Bit by excruciating bit...

xl said...

Novel? Where's road tripping part III?

Jen said...

....rolls eyes....

cat said...

I will try to blog again here soon. I'm so tired all the time and I feel like I'm starting a 57 Chevy every morning just getting out of bed. I have had nothing but good news and am very glad for that.

Thanks for your concern.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers baby...clever man, no it wasn't. That is scheduled for Oz later this year, I'm told it's on...though the dates aren't set yet.

Two days in Sydney I'm sure though. Um, baby...do I need to book a hotel room or do I get to warm your bed? Let me know sweetie. :D

I hate sleeping alone.

Ciao honey...work calls.
xxxx

electro-kevin said...

Well I see that you're doing a lot better than me in the pussy department, Fingers.

So what are you going to do with all that spare cash now that you no longer have to pay for blow jobs ???

Memphis Steve said...

I've gone to look up 'ablution'. Be right back.

Permanently twenty three said...

I love you more and more each post.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers sweetie babe...I just now had a chance to read this post.

Sorry baby, I've been busy using my Bitch Alpha Dog voice at work. I have to keep these plebeians on course, ya know. Plus my secretary missed me.

Like for coffee breaks I tie blueberry muffins on her and chase her around my desk...well, I think she's cheating and letting me catch her way too soon. And you know what happens after I catch her...right?

I eat her muffin, silly.

Anyway...on your post I think it's fabulously written. From the view of a fly larvae.

Come on baby...write and the next part..."to be cunt'd." I mean, "to be cont'd."

Ciao baby...have a wonderful Wednesday. xxx

EmmaK said...

I think you are fuckable

Now I've got that lie off my chest I just wanted to ask if I could put your Xmas Story from your blog about that real estate agent who turned out to be a hooker in my book www.badsexconfessions.blogspot.com
I'll take that as a yes then. I'd email you but I have lost your email.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers...baby. Where are you honey.

Okay...One blonde said to the other. Which do you think is farthest away...the moon or Miami Beach?

The second blonde said...DUH! We can't even see Miami Beach.

*crickets*

****
So a naked lady walks into a bar with a 10 pound salami under one arm and a white poodle under the other....

The bar tenders say...

fingers...sweetie...hone, do you know the answer to this joke?

Memphis Steve knows...ask him. :D
***
Okay for my last impression I'm going to type and sound like Charlize Theron while drinking a glass of water. The novice should not try this at home...leave it to us professionals please.

*couch cough* Hey how was that?

*crickets*

For real though. Charlize emailed me yesterday and attached a photo of her too. No lie. More on that later.

Anyway, this is a tough room Fingers...for those lurkers that liked my jokes and impressions...I'll be doing song and dance twice a night at The Acupulco Room all week.

Fingers baby...I figured well...since you weren't using your blog that I'd GUEST 'comment/post' while you were out at sea in your boat.

Have a fabulous Friday and weekend.

Ciao honey. XXX

fingers said...

xl: I'm like Nostradamus. I got stuff in progress all over the place.

Jen: Well don't.

Cat: I'm sure you drive just beautifully after you get warmed up, baby. Keep getting weller please.

Spiker: I'd love a new bed-warmer. What power supply do you need ?? Oh I forgot, you're AC/DC. Perfect.

E-K: It looks good on paper mate but basically all I got is paper. A blog full of carnal IOUs.

MS: It's when the priest says God has forgiven you for being such a cunt.

P23: Well that's something I'll be able to cling to this winter.

Spiker: Just writing Pt2 now.

Emmak: I'd be honoured to let you publish my post, abby. Truly. Can I tidy it up a bit before you use it though ??

Spiker: Clean up this mess immediately and go to my room...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Finger baby: Oh...okay. :D

I'll be waiting for you under the sheets. Weeeeeeee!

Ciao honey.

EmmaK said...

Thank you I would be most honored. Yes do tidy it up for me and email it to me.
your humble servant etc etc
xx

electro-kevin said...

"E-K: It looks good on paper mate but basically all I got is paper. A blog full of carnal IOUs."

Why don't you publish your phone number ? You'd get what's owed aurally then.

Memphis Steve said...

Ah, I get that a lot. Thank God for ablution!

Bad Bob said...

Hey Nostradumbass,
I don't think my life is shit, sometimes it actually is.
Not only that, I've eaten enough of it in my life to finally have developed a taste for it.

BTW, I got a new dog.

mutleythedog said...

I am a fucking dog meself!

Ms Smack said...

*poke* where are ya?

Memphis Steve said...

First we lose Steph, then Kylie, and now Fingers is off somewhere making money and sailing his boat around with hot young things in bikinis onboard, totally ignoring the rest of us.

Sounds like my kind of life.

Sweet Cheeks said...

In light of my FB friend Steph and her dad's sudden illness; I was wondering if your dad was still doing ok?

He really needs to be walking each day...I know, I know.

He's a grouchy ass.

Just sending love,
;-)
Sweet Cheeks~

Ms Smack said...

Bloggers are dropping like flies.
Can't say I blame them.

Memphis Steve said...

I haven't heard the latest on Steph H's dad. But I knew she had to drop off for awhile because of that. I fully understand her reasons.

In the meantime, Steph of MuchAdo posted an update after almost a year of shutting down! I nearly wet myself with excitement.

Ms Smack, don't you go getting any ideas of leaving us now, you hear?

Steph said...

No flies on you hey Fingers?

*boom tish* watevs, I got nothin'

Update already ya twat!!

unique_stephen said...

Hay cunt - you going to be mean to these pricks or what. I've sat down here to see if you got around to finishing any of your stories (not likely) or at least be entertained by your claymore whit and you've fucked off.

OH and yeah, I'd love to read your novel - you for real?

Les Miserable said...

Yeah ..where the fuck are you? MIA? Your fans need feeding. I worry about you when I see nothing happening on the old bloggie. Oh yeah...forgot to tell you...well brag really. WelcometoWallyworld.com is coming up to 500k unique visitors for the month. 90% of the traffic is coming to see the photos of that poor young sheila who slammed her Daddy's Porsche into the tollbooth couple of years back.
Anyway...for fucks sake - pull finger and post something fresh. Or I'll sent Mountjoy over to shove a choo-choo up your date. And another thing - have a look at the "make the girl dance - baby, baby, baby video clip on WtoW. 3 naked Trouts cavorting down a Paris Street in the middle of the day. Out.