Sunday, May 24, 2009

one giant leap for man...

One of the many physical attributes that distinguish Man from the rest of the beasts is the miraculous opposable thumb. This extraordinary piece of evolutionary engineering allows Man to grasp an object with far greater force, and then wield that object with infinitely greater precision than that which would be possible without it.
With the arrival of this magnificent appendage Man was suddenly able to hold objects such as a tree branch firmly in his hand and get started on the job of hitting other animals over the head with it. Animals that until then had a predatorial advantage over Man, by virtue of their superior strength or bite capability, were now firmly on the menu because Man, armed with his opposable thumb and high-tech killing stick was now able to do harm from a safe distance.
All very informative…but do I have a point ??
Well as a matter of fact I do.
Given a survey I’ve just read which stated that the average length of time it takes a young male surfing the internet for the first occasion to navigate onto a porno site is around nine minutes, I would suggest that even with his not so highly-developed cave-brain, it probably took Man, with his new-fangled opposable thumb, around the same length of time to put down the killing stick…grab his doodle and play with it. Of course we have no idea who the first male human to conceive of it was, but in deference to his legacy to Man, let’s call him The Man.
For he certainly was all of that.
Along with the discovery that pig meat tasted better when you put it in the fire for a while, the idea that you could use your opposable thumb to hold your pee-pee against the palm of your hairy hand and apply modest friction must surely rank as one of Man’s happiest moments.
Until then Man’s only chance of getting his prehistoric rocks off would have come by way of reproductive necessity and involved the decidedly unappealing prospect of poking his hairy cave-chick in her abundant, unwashed whiskers, however the addition of the ‘Digitatus Magicus’ must have heralded the dawn of a new age; The Leisure Era.
What followed was surely the most rapid and vigorous development of consciousness in human history??
Within minutes of inventing auto-eroticism, The Man would have tapped into his previously unused prefrontal cortex and had his first abstract thought; most likely a lesbian fantasy.
Perhaps a minute later The Man’s hitherto irrelevant vocal chords would have unseized themselves and sputtered to life with the first word ever spoken; ‘Ooooooooh’. This would have been followed almost immediately by the creation of God, which was probably also the second word ever spoken, to act as both a focal entity for giving thanks to.…and as an unseen mate to whom The Man could forevermore explain how good this new activity felt.
And if anyone needs further proof of the evolutionary importance of Man’s ability to toss his own salad then consider the dimensions of the human arm. It's just the right length to reach the wing-wang. Notice that Nature did not give Man little Tyrannosaurus Rex arms with which to simply play with his breasts, nor did it equip him with King Kong arms to tickle the backs of his knees. Nope, it gave Man arms that are perfectly proprtional for the job of knocking his own top off.
Though I often wonder why Nature did not smile on Woman too, and instead of giving her opposable thumbs, simply fuse her fingers together...


Anonymous said...

And why did Nature feel the need to hide the clitoris?! WHY??!!! And why did Nature evolve a mans brain to not be able to find the damn thing?
An evil bitch, best avoided.

fingers said...

Jen: Nature had to hide the clitoris to stop primitive Arabs from cutting them off. Of course a few million years later the Arabs are still no more evolved than when they were living in caves...

Anonymous said...

Point taken.

xl said...

My cats use me for my opposed thumbs opening the cat food cans. Otherwise, they would smother me in my sleep.

unique_stephen said...

As a kid I probably had wax in my ears or something. I could never work out why anthropologists were so fixated on human's "imposable thumb".

fingers said...

xl: You better hope they don't discover the deluxe stuff in the easy-to-tear sachets. Or your ass is grass.

US: I had the same ear-wax thing happening a few years back. My ex-wife and I were having trouble conceiving a child and the gyno told her she had 'an insufficient uterus' and that 'if she has a child it would be a miracle'. I was sure he'd said 'Sophy has a fish in her uterus and if she has a child it will be a mackerel'...

Kitty said...

writing about cocks and avoiding the term pee pee's again fingers?

what's up with that? trying to please that cunt bitch that hates on you for it???

Anonymous said...

HEW! That last sentence was ew icky ew. But funny.

I wonder how long you've spent pondering all that. Forty-eight years?

Pearl said...

I can't help but wonder what precipitated this post. :-) We start out with the opposable thumb and things rapidly deteriorate to -

Oh. Now I get it. :-)

Don't mind me, just navigating about at a ridiculous hour.

Funny post. 's given me something to think about.


p.s. "...abundant, unwashed whiskers..." I am going to use that, Fingers. I swear.

Fanny F said...

I like my fingers to be separate and not fused, but maybe that's just me.
Right now I'm working on my one-handed touch typing.

Jayne said...

'doodle' 'pee-pee' & 'wing-wang' ? Fingers darlin, being the Utter Cnut that you are, what on earth has made you use such tame words? I'm beginning to have me doubts about you.......

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers, sweetie babe, leasure time...what leasure time? What about lions, tiger and bears?

Oh my!

Didn't the avoidance of dangers bring about the term. "fuck me running?'

I admit I'm in same mind with Jen. Must a woman have a tattoo arrow to show the clitoris. Um, personally, I've never found it hard to find. :)

So the point of this post is...even way back, Man used his thumb/hand to squirt in his sabortooth tiger skin boxers...which was 'man's' begining of wastefulness. :0)

I like the idea of fused fingers. hehehe

Fab post honey...have a wonderful Tuesday. xxx

Anonymous said...

I thank the baby Jebus for my thumb every day..... all five fingers in fact...... or more truthfully, the entire fist of my dungeon master in South Dublin

Steph said...

So, ok, why does wimmins have thumbs then?

Oh i know to jam up your jaxie for using the word "pee pee" in your post!!

Love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!

fingers said...

Kitty: Yeah whatever happened to Slutty McWhatsherface ?? I liked her. She was angry.

SK: Well not for that long. For the first 12 years of my life I thought my pee-pee was for wee-wee only.

Pearl: Actually I was sitting in the departure lounge at Tullamarine when the idea for the post started brewing in my head. Hardly the place to be tossing your own salad. And be my guest; that phrase is my gift to you.

Fanny: Well for you there's always the rubber band I guess.

Jiney: I just don't see the need for unnecessary vulgarity, you silly old cnut.

Spiker: Sick out your hand and I'll fuse it myself with the Hot Pink Spot-Welding Gun.

TG: I bet you don't suck your thumb anymore.

Steph: I think Nature would have fused your fingers together over time but perhaps some forward-thinking Ape-chick picked up her man's killing-stick and invented the dildo before it could intervene ?? And why did she call it a dildo. It should have been a diddle-oh.
God I've missed you...

Anonymous said...


I actually shut the TV off to read this post.
Why can't I find this kind of stuff on the tube when I can't sleep?

So, while I'm reading it, in my head I hear a deep manly voice (like the late James Earl Jones) narrating it; which made every word totally believable.

Discovery Channel has nothing on you, Baby!

Quality bullshit!

EmmaK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EmmaK said...

If I may add to your PhD on the Evolution of Mammalian Masturbation - masturbation has nothing to do with the length of arms. For example elephants wank by rubbing themselves against logs, dolphins rub themselves against the sea bed etc. Basically only the more intelligent animals masturbate, primates being the most feverish wankers. Masturbation is related to intelligence ie fish are too stupid to figure out how to do it.

EmmaK said...

Memphis Steve said...

I don't really want to think about fish masturbating, but maybe that's just me. Wait, The Little Mermaid masturbating might be OK to think about. But technically that's just a cartoon girl with a fish tail that turns into a real vagina whenever she goes on dry land.

Shit, look what Emma has me thinking about!

So, how do you explain black people with arms that do hang almost to the back of their knees? The average black American has over 2 inches of additional length to their arms more than your average honkey cracker dude. But according to medical professionals, contrary to stereotype, their doodles aren't any longer than anyone else's. I have always thought that this was so they could smack their bitches from a safe distance, but I have never been able to prove it.

electro-kevin said...

Emma 10.41

My IQ is 140


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