Monday, August 31, 2009

no thanks...just browsing...

I am a good clothes shopper most of the time; careful, considered, conservative and I’m never swayed by the attentions of fawning sales-staff trying to sell me something I can’t really wear or don’t need.
I never ask for help…preferring to take my time… trying on this and that…then maybe going back to an earlier choice… trying a size up, a size down…a different colour…a different brand…before buying a garment.
If I’m suitably electrified by an item, I’ll buy two or even three of them, in case I wear one out and can’t find a replacement in five years time; this explains the collection of ‘Levi 501s’ I have at home, amassed over a twenty-year period, with waist sizes ranging from 28” (1990) to 33” (2004) which I intend to be able to get back into some day…
Anyway, recently my favourite pair of ‘Nike’ tracksuit pants finally disintegrated in the washing machine after a four-year lifespan spent mostly on the sofa watching TV with me. They were the last of the three pairs I bought in Seoul in 1997 during the Asian currency crisis; $30 each…and possibly the finest couch-potato-wear ever made.
I was gutted at their passing.
However I knew this day would finally come…
So yesterday I dragged myself up to ‘Rebel’, a large sports apparel barn in the local mall, where I hoped to find a new pair of tracksuit pants…or three…to see me safely into the twilight of my TV-watching career.
Spying the tracksuits almost immediately and being a creature of intense habit, I went straight to the ‘Nike’ section and ignoring colour for the moment grabbed a dazzling white size ‘M’ (hopeful much), an ‘L’ (more realistic) and an ‘XL’ (just in case) before poodling off to the fitting rooms.
Unsurprisingly the ‘M’ was a little tight around the waist, not to mention very unforgiving around the crotch. The ‘L’ was a perfect fit around the waist but still a little tight in the crotch. The ‘XL’ was a bit large around the waist, needed the drawstring pulled into the maximum…was still a bit grabby round the crotch…and the legs finished about 20cms beyond my feet.
Unhappy with any of the ‘Nike’ range, I handed them to the slack-jawed, nose-pierced, gum-chewing Westie chick manning (or womanning) the fitting-rooms and went back to the racks to reload. This time I tried the ‘Adidas’ collection; three sizes…in light grey…with the same disappointing results.
I handed the attendant the rejected clothing and went back to the rack again.
I tried ‘Converse’…in beige…
Then ‘Lonsdale’…in red…
Four trips to the fitting room, nearly an hour gone by and I had yet to find a pair of tracksuit pants that felt comfortable enough to lie around in. Nothing would fit; the new cut of tracksuit pants was stylish to be sure and fleecy as fuck…but the obsession with low-rise, hipster-type gym wear had definitely taken its toll on the lounge-factor.
Not to mention the fact they seemed a bit gay for my fiercely straight taste.
Still, undaunted by my failure I decided to check out some lesser-known brands…’Asics’, ‘Everlast’…with the same results. Every tracksuit manufacturer had apparently capitulated and followed the herd-leader into this awful new design; my frustration was starting to show as I literally hurled the three pairs of light-green ‘Diadora’ pants at the pointless stoner still leaned against the fitting-room door.
‘You’re not having much luck there are you, Sir ?’
‘No…I’m having some trouble finding a cut that feels comfortable…in the crotch…the new styles seem to favour a slimmer wearer…and the hip-huggy thing is not really me.’
‘Did you particularly want to get a pair of women’s tracksuit pants ?’
‘What ?’
‘Well, are you particularly set on the women’s’ range or would you like to try on some men’s tracksuit pants ?’
‘Please don’t tell me I’ve been trying on chick’s pants for a fucking hour and this is the first you’ve said anything. Please tell me you haven’t just stood there and folded ninety-nine pairs of women’s tracksuits and watched me go off to get more. Why the fuck would I want women’s tracksuit pants…you fucking spoon ?’
‘I wasn’t sure.’
‘Right…so where are the men’s trackies ?’
‘Over there (gesturing to the other side of the store).’

It’s funny because once the silly cunt pointed it out to me; the colours did seem a bit unmanly come to think of it…and there was a rack of leggings right nearby now that I remember…along with one-piece swimsuits if the truth be told…and some very small running shoes…fucketty fuck fuck fuck…


Anonymous said...

HAHAHAH! Oh for joy. You big poof.


Thank you for my laugh at your expense, it was so funny!

Anonymous said...

What she said. :-p

the projectivist said...

bahhhha @ women's section!
and you chose the white first?
you're SO SportySpice.


Kitty said...

this is why i like it when you fuck me from behind. really, really hard.

cause you're aaaaall man baby.


Grazor said...

This post is a bit of a conundrum.

On the one hand you claim to be fiercely straight, yet on the other you apparently spend an absolute age choosing clothes - a trait I have only ever experienced with women.

Can you see my dilemma? ;)

Anonymous said...

You should have stuck to the plain stock standard 501's!
No confusion there! Welcome back, good to see you.. If you were a miss I would leave a kiss.. like this... x
But seeing you are a guy, I will merely ask what happened to the Aussies this weekend?

Memphis Steve said...

Yeah, so you're not the most observant gazillionaire in the world, eh? That's OK. I once used the women's bathroom at a restaurant during lunch hour and didn't notice anything was wrong until I was standing at the sink washing my hands, and I turned and said 'hello' to the woman at the sink next to me. That's when I realized there were no stand-up toilets, and of the 4 people in the bathroom at the time, only one of us was male.

xl said...

Could have been w*rse, mate. You could have been underwear shopping.

Bad Bob said...

That's downright sad. After looking at the picture and before I read the post, I was thinking that you definitely have a fem side or hopefully were buying something for a chick.
In reference to XL's comment, I certainly hope you aren't buying g-string underwear.

electro-kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Josh said...

I can't wait for the follow up to this story where you spend an hour trying on singlets in Sportsgirl or power suites in Dianna Ferrari...

Kitty said...

omg has diana ferrari started making suites?

EN or LOUNGE????????!!!!

Ute said...

You could've just given the excuse to the unhelpful sales woman that you were buying pants for a laydee, and wanted to make sure you could still get into her pants. =p

Anonymous said...

a golden "Johnny no stars" moment love it.

electro-kevin said...

Worth the wait.

A Fingers classic.

You da man !

An anecdote from me. My brother and I were 10 and 11 respectively. We were piss poor. Ma went off to buy us some jeans and came back from shopping with two pairs of Brutus (top make at the time.) She'd picked them up half price. We got to our bedroom to try them on and came out grim faced ...

Lil' bro' has a crotch down to his knees and a bulge on his left hip. My arse has enough space to fit a melon and one leg is shorter than the other - we take them off and stamped on the inside of the material is "Irregular"

Ma says tearfully realising that she's been ripped off, "But ... they're BRUTUS !"

EmmaK said...

That was totally a missed opportunity for blogging hilarity. you should have got someone to take pics of you in the ladies trekkies.

rage said...

"Unforgiving around the crotch."

Before you said that you were trying on women's pants I was convinced that you were packing heat.

Poor guy.

De Campo said...


I’m sure you’d look great in one of those white numbers with “juicy” splattered across the ass in glitter.

fingers said...

Kate: 'Oh for joy' ?? Did you really just say that on my blog ??

Jen: Did you really just repeat what that silly spoon Kate said ??

TP: I can't even believe they HAVE white tracksuits.

Kitty: I could write just about anything and still illicit the same response from you.

Grazor: Yes. I see your dilemma. You're a silly cunt. There...does that help.

Levi: You obviously have me confused with the morons who believe that when the Wallabies win something that our lives are somehow enriched. Fuck the Wallabies; they are shit. I'd rather lose by 50 and have some dignity than take a shot for goal when we're down by 16 points.

MS: Yep, done that too...I remember thinking how strange it was to have teenie-weenie little garbage bins in the cubicles.

xl: Clever boy. I like that you remembered to use w*rse. Very good. Take a banana out of petty cash and give yourself a treat.

BB: Every now and then I come across a comment that completely stumps me for a response. Well done. Go and take xl's banana and tell him I said you can have it instead.

Josh: I've never heard of Dianna Ferrari, mate. I've heard of a Dino Ferrari though. Time for you to check into Man School again for some remedial work.

Ute: I certainly could have done that...if I'd recently graduated from The Benny Hill Academy with a masters in blindingly obvious comedy.

Dog3oy: Why thank you mate. And if you ever use my blog's name to make snide comments over at Kitty's blog again I will ban you for life, Johnny No Nuts.

E-K: What a heart-warming story. I haven't laughed as much since reading 'Angela's Ashes'. Hey, do you need any Levi's...I have 30" thru to 33"...never been worn.

Emmak: I didn't realise it WAS hilarious at the time. I really should hire a full-time photographer to follow me around just in case though.

Rage: My heat is not so much packed as it is in storage just now. I still hope to get it out again some day.

DeC: Mate you have no idea how close I came to just saying 'fuck that's close enough' and buying a pair...

Anonymous said...

Fingers.. To save you any further identity issues iv enclosed a link, this should enable you to purchase your slinky track wear online!
"Buy Team Tracksuits Online Tracksuit Bottoms Suppliers UK - Team ...Custom-made football tracksuits at Team Colours - manufacturers & suppliers of waterproof tracksuits, get best range of man & ladies tracksuits UK. Buy ...

I believe they take credit cards..

(thanks for confirming the rugger thang, always new it deep down. confirmed!)

Kitty said...

i have spent the day luxuriously unconscious, off chops on stilnox and having sex dreams about chasing you and your hot pink velour trackies...

stilnox is known for causing severe psychotic episodes...

Anonymous said...

lol! just be glad that women's trackies all made your crotch seem huge! now the real question - Did the men's have te same effect? And another question. If so, can you email me some pics?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers baby...hehehehehe. see, when you post good shit like this is when you bring out the groupie in me...

It makes me want to have your baby. BADLY!

It's brilliant honey...

later baby...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers babe...I want to go shopping with you...cause you know where all the cool girl clothes are.

I'll buy you lunch.

If I can be the dessert. Ha!

fingers said...

Levi: Thanks but I'm a big boy now. I think my mother can handle all my clothes buying from here on.

Kitty: Another cause of psychotic episodes is being a loon.

TG: Yes, that's exactly what I plan to do. E-mail some pics of myself in ladies clothes. To a poof. A poof in a Nut Farm. A poof in a Nut Farm I met online.

Spiker: I really am going to be gutted if you turn out to be a teenage boy...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...yeah and you'll go to jail if i'm a 15 years old girl sweets.

Like the law reads...fifteen will get you twenty. Don't worry, my uncle Teddy said, in prison you get all the sex you want...and don't want. hehehe.

baby...sweetie, I have a vag (unshaved at this time) I've slacked cause I've been sickly lately And I have titties...ask the guys at work...they can't have a conversation with me without looking at my rack...of course my office freezer doesn't help...and I know pointing is not polite. ;0)

oh...later sweetheart. I have a WAR (tactical) meeting. xx

cat said...

My much loved Fingers (and I do mean that. Who doesn't love a great pair of hands). I knew when you spoke of "tight in the crotch it had to be women's. So sorry chap. This happens alot in retail. I worked it all through college and seen it more times then to mention, but makes for great laughter after the customer leaves.

You dealt with with quite well and I'm sure you'll be remembered next turn for sweat pants.

Love ya for your honesty.

Kitty said...

ooooh BY the way.

illicit and elicit are two different words.

illicit means 'illegal' or 'not allowed by law'

elicit means 'to provoke a reaction'

you used the wrong fucking one.


haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. karma queen!

Clyde said...

No chuckles here
You shop like me---find what you want and buy supplies for the next 5 years---
Spalding brand from Target come from the same factories as you big name brands---great fit and just like the Wonderland---good ballroom


hahahahaha And here I was thinking that must be some monster crotch.

Ms Smack said...

A very funny post, Fingers.

Made me laugh aloud.

I wonder if the sales staff shared that at your expense later?


Hope you bought 10 pair to avoid having to do that ever again...


Anonymous said...

HA! Oh well, at least now you know you'd make a shitty cross-dresser.

Spiky Zora Jones said... sweetie, other than the pink sport pants you bought, can you add some color to your posts sweetie.

How about a dash of the rainbow.


And it would kind of fit the theme.
Ciao honey.

Pearl said...

Ha ha ha ha!!

It worked for me, fingers. I rarely laugh out loud at blogs, but the vision of you trying on all the women's pants and finding them unforgiving in the crotch is both humorous and, strangely, adorable.


Memphis Steve said...

See, those little boxes would have tipped me off, but this was a cheap restaurant apparently. There weren't any that I recall. I guess the ladies just tossed'em over the stall wall and aimed in the general direction of the trash can? Surely they weren't flushing those pipe-cloggers.

Madam Z said...

Thanks for the smiles, Fingers. I wish I had tuned in 10 days ago!

I feel your pain in the pants-purchasing area. Women's styles are so stupid! Waistlines down below your butt crack, tight as all getout, unless you get them too big, and weird designs. So I usually wander over to the men's section and find practical pants. Also, it's fun knowing that some hunky guy may have tried them on before I did.

fingers said...

Spiker: Thanks for the update on your hoop. My ferret likes them furry.

Cat: Hi baby...are you well ?? You should have seen me 3 months ago, at the gas station, in my new Jeep, with a line of angry motorists behind me, all honking their horns coz I couldn't work out how to get the petrol cap off.

Kitty: I love you so hard baby. No one but you would dare to pick me up on a point of spelling/grammar. You're such a clever cunt.

Clyde: I'd rather nail my pee-pee to a burning building than risk being seen in Target.

Uber: I've never understood the chick obsession with huge dicks. Unless of course you have a huge vajajay.

Smack: Thanks. I suspect my life is simply meant to serve as a warning to others.

SBSB: Welcome to TWG. I believe you're the first blogger ever from LiveJournal to make it through the Stargate.

Spiker: Stop teasing the ferret.

Pearl: Yes I'm sure it was an adorable sight to behold. In the movie version I will be played by Hugh Grant and the slack-jawed moron dressing-room attendant will be played by Winona Ryder.

MS: Yeah whatever. Hey, your new Steph is fabulous. So much better than the old one. This one can actually write. The other one was cute and all...but this one is really quite clever.

Z: I'm drooling at the thought of you in a pair of men's trackies and being able to fill out their comfy, roomy crotches...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers:, you know lately, the furry hoop has missed the farret.

I'm not sick...much these days. I'm getting more rest and sleep these days.

No rehearsals or shows to do in a while...have a fab weekend honey. xxx

I'm so fucking boring!

later sweets.

Connor said...

Great story! Found you through Madame Z...Love the blog!

Kitty said...

i love you for loving my cleverness (and my cunt) so hard.


Memphis Steve said...

The New Steph is like Kylie, only with a much fouler mouth. In fact, when I first encountered her she was running around Kansas City with a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Aussie girl named Avery, and they were drinking and farting and falling down a lot. Sound familiar?

Anonymous said...

Well, if they went to a simple tag system this awkward moment could be avoided in the future.

'Pink Pussy' tags for girls,
'Blue Balls' tags for boys and rainbow tags for those who wish to be both.

How damn difficult does it have to be?


Out of curiosity...did you really read Angela's Ashes? It was a difficult read for me.
Just wondering.

Steph said...

Fuck you, Fingers, you crusty old numpty!
I might not be able to write but at least I can READ, something you can't do if you're trying on wimmins trakkie daks!

Scrote breath!!

fingers said...

Spiker: Well you'be been away from the ferrets for a while now. Rubbing hoops is fine but eventually every hoop needs a ferret.

Connor: Welcome to TWG. I knew advertising on Z's blog would pay handsome dividends.

Kitty: Charming comment.

MS: Intoxicating. As hot as Kylie...AND a better writer than Old Steph. It's like a dream.

SC: Hi Cheeks. Yes, I really did read AA...pretty grim book but it had some excellent stew and soup recipes for for when you're down to your last potato.

Steph: Well, well, well. Look what the insult-burley lured to the back of the boat. Hi baby, I've missed you...big kisses on all your pink bits...

Steph said...

Bite meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Yeah not bad, yourself? I see you're blogging about once a month now, lazy fucker.

Memphis Steve said...

hey ... dont tell anyone .... but .... steph is back

fingers said...

Steph: Yes...well I'm still devoted to excellence rather than chronicling the loss of my wardrobe item by item.

MS: Yeah...she must have washed out of Reality TV Host School...

Steph said...

Excellence? Oh that is lulzworthy. You are to blogging what genital herpes is to sex.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers baby...I just love that steph is back...she is my hero.

I love the banter.

I'm pulling out a lawn chair, grabbing a drink (milk) not scotch on the rock. (hehe) ...mmmm, that amber bliss and a, I mean a cookie. hehehe.

Want a of my cookie.

Fingers honey...hey you got any snacks...woo!

ciao baby..have a fab day. xxx

Kylie said...

What are you talking about StAph? You know if there were Pulitzers for blogging, that Fungus would take that shit OUT! He's blogging royalty! He's like the Queen mum only without the incontinence pads............I hope!
Mwah! Shnookums!I wub youuuuuuuuu!

*blerg* ;)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers babe...Have you thought of maybe having guest blogger to post while you're in between posts?

Okay...I'll take your silence as a NO.

So do you think it would be cool if I did a guest post...this Saturday, your Sunday?

Okay...I'll take your silence as a YES.

See you Saturday, um...I mean Sunday.

ciao baby...hope your weekend is going fab.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Knock knocK...Hello!
Knock...knock...hello...anybody home?

Fuck! No one's home and I'm here to be fingers' first Guest blogger.

Crap..I have all this good shit to say and I was going to post those naked picks of me doing style.

maybe next time I should ask for the key to the mansion.

hum...maybe he's inside and isn't answering the door cause he doesn't want me to guest post on his blog...



He's just not home and prolly forgot.

*walks away*

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