Sunday, September 20, 2009

the monday roast...

Does anyone else find post-match/game/event sports interviews as dull as I do these days. When was the last time you heard a sportsperson actually say anything interesting/controversial/original while being asked a question by their respective media ?? It's the same across the sports board however this year I believe that for various reasons Rugby league has led the way in stupefying the interview to the point where you need a Rosetta Stone to decode the piffle they have been blathering. This is what I've managed to decipher so far :

‘I was really proud of the way the guys stuck it out today and I’m just looking forward to next week’s game…’ – ‘I have no idea what the question meant but this is what they told me to say at Media Training Camp.’

‘Our ball retention was lacking…’ – ‘We didn’t catch very many passes…coz we’re shit.’

‘We failed to complete our sets…’ – ‘We didn’t catch very many passes…coz we’re shit.’

‘We let ourselves down in the execution…’ – ‘We’re not a very skillful team really…coz we’re shit.’

‘We didn’t get the basics right…’ – ‘Like I said…we’re shit.’

‘I thought we lacked intensity…’ – ‘We weren’t trying very hard. I hope no one noticed.’

‘I was really proud of the way the guys stuck it out today and I’m just looking forward to next week’s game…’ – ‘I’m a fucking moron and this is what they told me to say at Media Training Camp to avoid embarrassing myself or the team’.

‘We always expect a tough game from them…’ – ‘They were shit. I don’t know why they bothered turning up today.’

‘The score line didn’t reflect how hard it was out there…’—‘Fuck me I thought we were shit but did you see how bad those cunts were.’

‘It was a very physical game…’ – ‘Wow there was heaps of mistakes out there. I bet that was a really shit game to watch’.

‘We’re just going to give it our best shot next week’ – ‘We can’t possibly win next week. Didn’t you see how shit we were today?’

‘I was really proud of the way the guys stuck it out today and I’m just looking forward to next week’s game…’ – ‘I have brain damage and this is what they told me to say at Media Training Camp to avoid embarrassing myself or the sport.’

‘There were a lot of positives out there today.’ – ‘Fuck at least we didn’t get beaten as bad as we did last week.’

‘I think we can take a lot out of that performance…’ – ‘We had 75 ½ points head start on Footy Tab and only got beaten by 73.’

‘That’s footy I guess…’ – ‘Fuck we’re a shit team.’

'They took their opportunities better than us...' -- 'We lost beacuse the other side scored more points...even a silly cunt like you must see that.'

I was really proud of the way the guys stuck it out today and I’m just looking forward to next week’s game…’ –‘Fuck I hope I still have a job after that…coz I’m a fucking moron with brain damage and I don’t know how I’d earn a living if it wasn’t for footy.’


BamBamBam said...

Yes a lot of them are idiots, but for the most part, I think they are deliberately giving the media nothing. How would you feel if every move you made was scrutinised by these pricks? I wouldn't talk to them either! Oh so you had a piss on a wall late at night when you've had a few drinks... and it makes the paper. The media get what they deserve. And as for them all being stupid... some are, some aren't. But there isn't a game I'd rather watch than Rugby League. Go the mighty Sea Eagles!

Jayne said...

I'll try & get my son to have a look at your post Fingers - he recently got the job of coach to a pretty good Irish rugby (union) club. I'm sure he'll take note of what to say (NOT!)

Anonymous said...

Oh fingers - this is too funny - you have to send it to the newsprint media and get it published. Very, very clever.

Memphis Steve said...

The worst sports person I have ever seen to be given a microphone was Maria Sharapova, right after winning a major tennis match. I can't even remember what she said, but it was clear that she was high on drugs and had taken a few hard shots to the head during her match. She was practically retarded. Oh she was still hot and highly fuckable, but mentally just a bowl of soup with onion chunks for brains. It was truly embarrassing. Of course, the cameraman continuing filming at a solid upskirt angle while she was talking, presumably to distract the audience from her dribble.

Fanny said...

It's true. I've never found Rugby League players to be the least bit articulate. Actually, a couple of weeks ago I saw a Rugby League player in a sports store trying on track suit pants in the women's section. How dumb is that? Well, he looked like a Rugby League player anyhow.

Anonymous said...

Fingers... I swore I was letting the rugby thang rest... And I did, I truly did. Now you have opened the door again..

But I certainly agree with your post... They need to tell more truth dear sir..

Something like.. "More balls to the Wall attitude was required! We take responsibilty for just pitching up at the game for our salaries and appearence fee!"

PS. excuse any spelling AND related errors, im a rugby supporter aftre all"

Les Miserable said...

Fingers, so you are still blogging. Bewdy. Loved the tracky story. One of your finest. Listen I've found us a kindred spirit. He's banged up in hospital at the moment. With a badly broken leg. You might have seen the piece in the herald. "Traction man" he calls himself. And his bloggie is Notes from some cunts hospital bed Think you could pop over and cheer the silly cunt up? He's gonna be in traction for another 20 months or some fucking thing and could do with a laugh. I told him i knew all these rich cunts that would throw some shekels in his begging-bowl so he can get himself a meal at The Ivy cause the hospital food is muck. Me? I'm swell. Just had two months in Provence. Yeah its hard but some cunt's got to do it.
BTW did you get the pink trackies or the mauve? Love your work, Malkie.

xl said...

Not uncommon for our football players to thank Jesus and/or His Father for the win. Obviously the other team is the spawn of Satan.

Kitty said...


This is the worst post you have ever written.

I wish I'd just deleted it from reader without clicking by for a visit.

In fact, I'm so annoyed about your disregard for keeping the one blog on the entire internet that is worth reading, actually worth reading - that I am even resorting to inital caps.

You have illicited my rage.

The Mornington Peninusla

fingers said...

BBB: I'm touched by your allegiance to the faith but these guys are simply morons. Their non-relevant answers have less to do with skillful evasion than they do with having the IQ of a pot-plant.

Jiney: Oh baby, the commentators/players currently toeing the ARU line down here are even worse. It's quite sickening listening to Phil Kearns finding excuses for the Wobblies at the moment. They are SHIT !!!

fingers said...

SK: Somehow I don't think the print media will take too kindly to having one of their cash cows slaughtered.

MS: I love Sharapova; she is to tennis what Steph is too blogging.

Fanny: Well I've never found brilliant debaters to be very good at Rugby League. But I did enjoy the rest of your cheeky comment. You saucy minx.

unique_stephen said...

I'd love to hear a post match interview whit a curling team

rage said...

It annoys the shit out of me when sports players thank God and Jesus.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to translate "it's a game of two halves" and "football was the winner on the day".

Les Miserable said...

Geeze I miss that big boofhead footie commentator that used to say shit like "Them blokes played hard and done good - they took the ball up the middle and acquitted themselves well." What was his name? Jack Gibson. Brown bread now. I gave Tim Bailey a copy of his book when he left SEAFM on the Gold Coast to go to Channel Ten. So if you ever wondered where he got his ocker lines - its down to me. And that boofhead's book.

BTW mate...remember this from four years ago? - The Radar Awards - ah the fun we used to have on that blog.

Bad Bob said...

I don't know how it is Down Under, but the quality of many professional athletes here is the States is poor. A lot of them are nothing more than thugs or primadonnas. It's a travesty that they make so much money for being bad role models for kids.
I didn't think safety equipment was allowed in Rugby, so dain bramage could be the norm.

EmmaK said...

You ask a silly question. Asking if a sportsman has anything to say is like saying would you ask a porn star her opinion on Hedge Fund Regulation? Neither group needs braincells in fact they are surplus to requirements.

cat said...

This is so true! I'm such a sports nut!

Bobby Knight from Indiana University (College I went to here in the States) was a huge College Basketball Coach who hated the press and some of the answers most of the dimwhitt coaches would make. He would cuss out (on live t.v.) the press and make them look so stupid. I loved it!

Too bad the president of I.U. Fired him in 2000 for his temper, but he is sooooo loved and missed.

Anonymous said...

You should work as an interpreter at the UN

Spiky Zora Jones said...

hi sweetie. babe...I loved it when an announcer actually said. "It looks like the only way the Oakland Raiders can win this game with the San Francisco 49ers is if they score more points than the 49ers.

DUH! I've never seen a team with lesser points win...but I'm a girl and maybe I missed something cause (holla) I was busy checking out the Raiderettes cheerleaders. were looking at them too.

anyway I'd like to be asked how we intend to win. I'd say "by scoring more points then they road cone!" interview!

ciao baby...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers baby...this post is pretty close to a meme. it reads like a meme. And I think in accordance with blog guidelines and is considered to be a meme.

So who are you tagging?

Oooo oooo...pick me pick meme.


ciao honey.

ciao sweetie.

electro-kevin said...

"He's got a lot of pace."

WTF does that mean ???

"He ran the length of the field with pace."

What fucking pace ???

Aaargh !

"It's a big ask."

Aarrrgh ! Aaaargh ! Aaaaaaargh !!!

Memphis Steve said...

Maria Sharapova is a hot and sexy tennis player, I'll grant you that, but Steph is intelligent, too, whereas Maria sounded like she was stoned when they gave her the microphone. Maybe it was a fluke and she was tired from the long match? Let's hope so.

fingers said...

US: The only way I would ever watch curling is if they held it on the 90 metre ski jump.

rage: How come none of them blame God or Jesus when they lose ??

Jen: Or 'Footy is an 80-minute game'.

Lombay: It was unbelievable the way the media used to hang off that jerk's every utterance as though he was Yoda. I went and had a squizz at the hospital blog; very amusing...

Les Miserable said...

"It's a big ask". Thanks Electro Kevin. Forgot about that one. Hey just read about the Under 16s Rugby League Grand Final between Blacktown and Lower Mountains that ended in some poor kid being given a good kicking and ending up in hospital with a fractured eye socket etc. Did he take the ball up the middle or what?
BTW Matey in traction is now being stalked by some asshole that caught sight of his name on the menu card and popped in to cheer him up. He's talking of shutting down his blog. Poor bastard's had 8 operations on his legs (I think) and is going to be flat on his back for a few months yet. I just told him to stop bloody moaning - doesn't know how lucky he is. ;-)

Ms Smack said...

Completely agree with you.

Fanny said...

Are you just trying to confuse me?

Pearl said...

My favorite? "We came to play." Really tells a story.


Anonymous said...

How does a team curl? I'v heard of teams breaking or cracking, I'v never seen a team curl..

fingers said...

Levi: Sorry old boy...didn't mean to skip you there. The Wallabies are just atrocious; words fail me. But their on-field ineptitude is matched only by their off-field lack of responsibility for their shitty play. 'The All Blacks controlled the ball better than us.' Um, yes they controlled the ball over your fucking tryline 4 times, you silly cunt.

BB: Maate I don't care if they can't split atoms; I'd just like to see one of them answer a question without resorting to the stock media reply.

Emma: I assumed a porn star WAS running my superannuation hedge fund from the returns it made last year.

Cat: College football ?? That's schoolboy footy, no ??

TG: And you should work as a night-safe at a sperm bank.

Spiker: I have a secret plan for getting into your panties but I'm not going to reveal it to the entire planet. That would be dumb.

EK: I bet you love it when the media calls them 'heroes'.

MS: I bet Steph's a squealer too. Like Maria.

Smack: Thanks.

Fanny: Yes.

Pearl: Please don't leave abuse on my blog like that. Or I'll report you again.

Levi: That gag needs some more work before you use it in your act...

Anonymous said...

it does sound fucken lame actually.. :-)

emma said...

You forgot:

'The sex was consensual...' - With any luck the stupid slut won't recognise us when she sobers up.'

Spiky Zora Jones said..., it's not a hard feat to get into my panties.

I mean...really lots have done it. leg at a time. Be care you don't rip them. And don't try to walk before you get them all the way might fall.

pssst...really though, come on tell me your secret plan.

ciao sweets. xxx

Steph said...

Since when do YOU watch footy?? Purlease, you own cats and ride a Vespa!!
Nuff said. ;)

De Campo said...

I remember watching post game interviews of Baltimore Colts (American Gridiron) players in the locker room drinking beer and smoking. The reporters would purposely wait until after a few rounds to start asking questions. At which point Art Donovan would call everyone on the other team pussies and start talking about the hooker he planned to bed later.

Those were the days of indepth reporting.

It sure made the 5 year old me want to play gridiron anyway.

Anonymous said...

Which Monday roast were you referring to? Oh... last Mondays roast... :)

Memphis Steve said...

I hope so. I like a good squealer. Hmm, maybe I could get Maria Sharapova and Steph at the same time? Yeah, as long as I'm drunk and fantasizing, that is.

Spiky Zora Jones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Spiky... dnt sulk, Fingers is bound to want to spank you, "sans panties."

Madam Z said...

What a wonderfully helpful post this is! I am printing out your translations to use if I am ever forced to listen to a post-game interview.

Memphis Steve said...

Hmm, Steph said "no."

Actually, Steph said "Hell no, you fucking psycho," but it's pretty much the same thing.

Bo Bo said...

Ahh still up to the same old dribble Fingers good to see.

How you been mate?

Shoot us an email.


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