Monday, February 01, 2010

once more into the breach...

My old school Sydney Grammar, the most super-elite of all the Sydney GPS Silver Spoon Academies, has apparently entered a team in the 2010 GPS Geezer Olympics, a sporting competition for deluded fossils aged fifty and over as at the years end.
Our team will once again wage battle against our traditional foes; the moronic, slab-featured Press Buttons from Scots College, the agriculturally-inclined livestock-molesters from Kings, the pasty-faced preppies from Shore’s Wasp Nest, the Inner-West Scientologists from Newington’s First Evangelical Church of the Blessed Lord and All His Works, the twin God-fondling Evils from Riverview and St Joseph’s Colleges for Abused Choirboys…and the peasants from Sydney High.
Thirty years have passed since I last played GPS sport, a game of rugby if memory serves me correctly. I know we won, though the score escapes me…but my most vivid recollection of that day was the conversation I had with the St Joseph’s prop as I was preparing to feed the ball into the scrum…
Him: ‘What are you waiting for you skinny Jewish faggot ??’
Me: ‘I was just thinking about fucking your mother last night and how much her snatch reminded me of the drain in the changing room showers.’

The game was delayed five minutes while he chased me across three football fields before finally collapsing from exhaustion. Thank fuck !!!
Anyway, back to the present; it turns out my school needs me once more…they require me to swim the 50 meters freestyle race at The Games, an event for which I once held the school record in an imposing time of 26.8 seconds back in 1977.
You should have seen me then…seventeen years old, 52 kilograms, lean, mean and tanned…I would explode off the blocks as though shot from a canon, then streak through the water like a barracuda, taking just one breath around the 30 meter mark before reaching the end of the pool. I was a pure speed machine, capable of one stunningly quick lap of the pool…occasionally followed by an equally stunningly laborious second lap when I foolishly entered the 100 meters. I never broke one minute for that event…but over that 50 meter distance I was The King.
I gave up competitive swimming in 1978 to concentrate on my HSC, where I scored brilliantly, gaining the necessary marks for Law School and a degree, which I then discarded to prostitute myself in the money-market doing a job fit for a monkey. I’ve often wondered whether I did the right thing squandering the natural gift I had for breaking records in the pool, so this opportunity to don the Speedos one last time (not counting those times I’m draped like a louche over the rear lounge on the boat) may provide me with a shot at sporting redemption.
I was last clocked over the sprint distance, in 2005 at Club Med Bali, finishing utterly spannered in a leisurely 35 seconds. This got me into the final of the swimming event where I lined up against a crack field of German pedophiles…and a 150 kilogram Geoff Huegill, who looked like he’d eaten the Geoff Huegill that once held the world record for the 50 meters butterfly.
Drawing the outside lane, three away from Skippy Doughnut Features, I made a fast start before veering to the side of the pool, getting out and running the rest of the way before diving back into the pool at the other end. When Huegill came steaming into the wall and looked up I was already there, faux-heaving from the strenuous effort and waving triumphantly to the crowd…
He was shocked to say the least but came over to congratulate me like a true champion and listen to my astounding tale of this one-off piece of sporting freakery.
‘I don’t know, mate…perhaps the thrill of racing an Olympic champion inspired me to do this ??”
‘Er…I was never an Olympic champion…just a World Championship gold medalist.’
‘Oh yes…sorry mate…I forgot.’

It’s doubtful whether I’ve gotten any faster over the past five years and even more doubtful I’ll be able to pull that trick again at the GPS Geezer Olympics…so at this stage I suspect my only hope of saving face will be to fail the pre-games drug test…

25 comments:

Fanny said...

It's the thought of Fingers wearing budgie-smugglers giving me the most concern.

Kitty said...

oh SMOOPIE!

i say 'go for it' - you chain smoking, coke-snorting pissed up fat-ass, greying barracuda!!!!

i shall be rooting for you the entire half-length of the pool, where i absolutely expect you shall have a gigantic heart attack and die.

if you shit yourself upon death, like a lot of people tend to do, it will be VERY awkward indeed.

:o)

Ute said...

Impressive!

So.... will you be trying out for the next Masters games? ;o)

fingers said...

Fanny: Take your mind off that by imagining the full shave-down I'll be giving myself before the race.

Kitty: When death strikes I shall be traveling so fast and be so far ahead of the field that my stiffening corpse will still coast to victory while the rest of the swimmers fight their way through the orts and leavings of my evacuated bowels.

Ute: Yes, I some day hope to be one of those shriveled up pensioners interviewed on Today Tonight after setting a new world record of 3 days 7 hours and 43 minutes for the 50 meters breaststroke...

Kitty said...

if you stiffen in your budgie smugglers, i guess your pee-pee become something of a small but effective rudder-like device hey?

i hate to tell you this smoopie, but based on your gentle genital man-curve to the left, you'll doubtlessly crash into side wall before you coast anywhere near victory territory my friend...

xl said...

"skinny Jewish faggot"

I withdraw my "Merry Christmas" from December and wish "Happy Hanukkah" instead!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Wow! I can see you playing rugby. you're one to distract a player. It's a brutal sport. And that's why I love it.

Ah and as a swimmer, sweetie pie, never use the words geezer and speedos in one sentence, paragraph. As a matter of fact, never use it in an entire story. I get this vision...

*Flash back* Crusie Ship pool side somewhere in the Bahamas. I am tanning, reading a book and listening to my i-pod when an old geezer (European one can always tell especially since he spoke German) walks by wearing itty-bitty speedos, his nuts hanging to his knees. *barf* I figure 2-5 years he'll be stepping on them from time to time with a yelp.

Thank god I don't have that illusion of you. Good luck tiger...go get em! And WIN!

later babe.

kittykillkill said...

Wouldn't mind seeing you in a speedo!

Memphis Steve said...

I'm a huge fan of failing drug tests. Are they really going to bother testing the athletes for drugs? What drugs would they be looking for at this stage in life - Geritol?

"Ah, we've caught you! You've been Geritol-doping! We'll have none of that. You're out!"

El-Kevo said...

Talking of destractions (slagging off other people's mums.)

IB (who visits my blog) knows me of old and once we were on a golf course when he held a 'V' shaped divet against his groin. He said "What does this remind you of ?"

"Your Mum's pussy." said I.

We didn't speak for three years.

Jen said...

You're still a speed demon, Fingers.
It's just a different kind of speed.

Good luck!

unique_stephen said...

I'd dare you to compete in a g-string but there might be a Cranbrook man there and I suspect your hydrodynamics may suffer with a tidliwink raping your gaping arse.

fingers said...

Kitty: Perhaps at the moment I feel my chest contract I can roll over and glide in on my back...with my pee-pee flying proudly for you to see, Pooks.

xl: Thanks. Say 'hi' to all your imaginary friends for me on your next religious holiday too.

Spiker: You went on a cruise ship ?? What were you thinking ??

KKK: I bet you'd like me to post a photo, wouldn't you, baby ??

MS: The GPS drug tests work like this. They say 'Will you take a drug test ??'...and we say 'Sure, what drugs would you like me to test.'

E-K: Hahahaha...mate if you'd said that to me, I'd have waited till we got to the green then taken the flagstick out, looked at the hole and said 'Hey Kev, they got an exact replica of your Mum's asshole on this course too.'

Jen: Oh please. I haven't done speed since uni. Say 'NO' to drugs that cost less than $200 a gram.

US: Cranbrook are from 2nd Division, mate. The CAS...

Kitty said...

do not call KKK "baby" or i'll break you in half.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

unique_stephen said...

Fastest I ever managed a 50 was 27.1 something


I competed at the state level but- was more of a middle distance 2, 4 and 800m competitor. I dont remember my times for thoes but I do remember my best 100m time because I equaled it about a dozen times - a barley competitive 57.51.

Should I have done my time before 1922 I would have held the world record

Jayne said...

Thanks to Fanny's comment, I can't stop giggling! Your youthful sprint was done in a pretty good time Fingers :-)
A good snort of whatever it is you snort 60 seconds before you dive in, might give you an added advantage? I reckon if there's a gorgeous bird wearing an inviting smile & little else at the finish then you'll be inspired enough :-D
Please do a follow up to let us all know how you got on or do I look at Oz newspaper headlines for stories relating to ex-grammar school boys being arrested for indecent exposure?

EmmaK said...

I'm surprised you can even go into a pool what with your OCD interest in hygiene - I know chlorine kills a lot of germs but haven't you ever seen those corn plasters floating about or thought about all the other swimmer's pubes you might have swallowed. It doesn't bother me being a slob I just thought maybe it could give you something to worry about ??

mutleythedog said...

Brilliant piece of writing my friend. Exquisite...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers baby: there are no vacations better than cruise vacations.

Cruises...I love them.

*sigh*

later sweetie. xxx

Steph said...

Best you stick to the Zimmer frame 200 metre shuffle, in case you break a hip or some such.

Ms Smack said...

hahaha good on ya Fingers.

Can we come and watch?!!

boo hoo said...

Fingers - A wonderfully humorous story that does justice to your otherwise massively underutilised level of intelligence. You tell a great story, but reading this and the collection of other tales you have penned on this blog I can't but help get the feeling that you should footnote every one of them as they do most novels on the back cover . '' This is a work of fiction ''. Whenever I read,laugh and enjoy the crap you write I can't but help get the same feeling I had when I read Shantaram and then discovered it was a book of fiction. ( Yes folks check out the back cover of that little puppy..its all horseshit fiction ! ) That feeling is one of intellectual abuse and violation. I mean seriously. Can I honestly believe that you were ever 55 kg or that you, the financially tighetest man in the western world would splash out on a Club Med vacation ? Doubtful. Extremely doubtful and if I could be arsed Googling Sydney Grammar swimming results for 1977 I'd prob discover they didnt even have a pool. However dont let my mild scepticism subtract from the enjoyment you derive penning this shit nor the fact that we all read it and laugh. At least you are trying. Whether it be in the pool or writing fiction.

Bad Bob said...

Just lay off the Viagra. It probably won't get you to fail the drug test, but you don't need to slow yourself down in the pool.

fingers said...

Kitty: Kill Kitty...kill kittykillkill, Kitty.

US: Thanks for the trip down memory lane there, mate. Perhaps you can post photos of some of your trophies on TWG next time.

Jiney: Keep your panties on, Grandma. Chances are I'll be wearing a one-piece LAZR suit for these races, which should make me look like a salami.

Emma: Actually germs didn't bother me so much but jelly-blubbers in the outdoor, saltwater pools gave me the heebies.

Mut: The same effortless grace I displayed in the pool, eh ??

Spiker: Cruises are for newlyweds and nearly-deads.

Steph: I could probably make some cliched gag about breaststroking you here, Steph...but I'm above that.

Smack: Haha yourself. NO !!!

Memphis Steve said...

Well, apparently all this time you've been calling me a cunt I really am one. I just didn't know it yet. Very sorry for that, too.