Sunday, February 21, 2010

in the beginning...

Many people have asked how I got started blogging. Well, not that many...but a few. OK, no one has ever fucking asked me how I got started blogging...but I'm going to tell you anyway.
It began with a hastily-scribbled entry to a public forum called 'The Heckler' in 'The Sydney Morning Herald', which was both an online publication as well as a hard-copy newspaper. I submitted my piece to the relevant editor by e-mail...and promptly never heard from them again.
Then one morning about a month later I walked into the dealing room at work...and received a standing ovation from my fifty or so colleagues. When I asked what the applause was for they threw a copy of 'The SMH' at me and said, 'See for yourself.'
And there it was; my first published work...


July 23 2003
Pizza, alcohol and masturbation: it's all in the name of good health, argues Fingers.


Like many forty-two year-old Australian males, I worry about getting cancer. The reports are not encouraging; I'm a classic target for cancer of my colon, testicles, lungs, kidneys and many other assorted pink and grey bits. There are carcinogens everywhere I turn.
I'm reasonably familiar with the common, garden variety toxins such as Dihydroxyanthraquinone or Methylmethanesulfonate…and I do my best to avoid other sinister-looking, potentially dangerous, polysyllabic compounds whenever I can…but it's not easy. In many cases research results have been too late to help me. How could I know there was a possibility of contracting arsenic poisoning from walking on my outdoor-timber decking, or that tattooing my tax file number on my ass might cause leukemia?
From the beginning I harboured suspicions about the mystical microwave oven…and of course the mobile phone was always going to turn out too good to be true…but I never thought the blue ‘Smartie’ would become my silver bullet.
For years it's one bombshell after another for ‘carcinophobes’ like me. Sure there's been sporadic relief, such as the study which showed that red wine contained ‘resveratrol’, a cancer suppressant…but on the whole it's been one-way traffic. Now, in the space of a week, comes the news I've been waiting for all my life.
Firstly, a group of Australian researchers has asserted that the more men ejaculate between the ages of twenty and fifty, the less likely they are to develop prostate cancer later in life.
This is all quite thrilling, since the study specifically refers to ejaculation through masturbation rather than actual sex; something previous studies had even suggested could increase the risk of cancer.
Then before I could say ‘pass the moisturiser’ came news from Italy which revealed that eating pizza regularly could help stave off certain cancers of the stomach or digestive tract. The results of a study into Italian eating habits showed that people who ate pizza once or several times a week were less likely to get cancer than those who did not eat it at all.
Suddenly, the point of all those lonely Friday nights became clear. I had always felt a certain degree of shame going home, ordering my mushroom pizza, opening a nice bottle of Shiraz and consuming both before going on to, well, you know…
So imagine my elation in discovering that I have sub-consciously been engaging in some sort of anti-cancer-triathlon of self-abuse.
Perhaps I should be claiming a rebate from my private health insurer. If ‘NIB’ is happy to pay out for my Nike trainers…perhaps it would like to subsidise my DVD porno collection.
Should I be keeping the Dominos’ receipts?
Would Vintage Cellars be allowed to bulk-bill my monthly purchase of a case of reds?
Probably not, but it's a beautiful thought…

52 comments:

De Campo said...

This blog is a testament to intelligent design, the marvel of all those pink and grey bits colliding into one sarcastic mass of cunt laced hilarity.

powdergirl said...

So, how'd you get started blogging?



You're a carcinagophobe? Or something like that?

I thought you were a smoker, I'm kind of disappointed.

Amused, yes. but also disappointed.

I adore carcinogens.

Kitty said...

oh smoopie! i have an innersting story!!!

about a month after i started blogging (i started in july 07) and you started stalking me on personal email (that was around august 20th 07) and i found out your real name, i immediately googled you.

*shifty*

i have vivid memories of the first time i read this article you wrote, as it was at the top of my google search.

i immediately fell in love with your cranky, ciggie-stinky, butter mushroom pizza eating old arse.

ah. good times.

xoxo

xl said...

"Go, get the butter."

Last Tango In Paris

Memphis Steve said...

Bravo! Excellent literary masterpiece there!

My first published work was, not surprisingly, an article about assholes in traffic and the argument over seatbelts and driving slowly in the passing lane. I actually wrote 2 letters, each arguing against the other, just to see which side our very biased local paper would take. They sided with the old fuckers blocking the passing lane, of course. Ah, those were the days, back when you could submit a letter using any name you wished, secure in the knowledge that journalists were far too lazy to ever check and see if it really was written by that person. I heard that my teacher caught quite a lot of flak for the letter she wrote encouraging slow drivers to block traffic in the passing lane. I wonder if she ever figured out what happened?

EmmaK said...

I always thought bloggers were the lowest form of life, the saddest most pathetic wankers on God's earth....how I got started was a friend who had a blog that hardly anyone went on said 'oh your life is interesting you should write a blog' and then I started up and now my attitude to bloggers has totally changed. Now I think bloggers are the lowest form of life, the saddest most pathetic wankers on God's earth...'cept now I am one.

Bad Bob said...

I guess you now only have to worry about lung cancer now?
"Lonely Friday Nights"? I thought you were one of the ultimate "ladie's" men. Since that was 7 years ago and a lot of water under the bridge I guess those porn videos have paid off.
So what happened to the new chick?

fingers said...

DeC: Wow, that's an interesting idea. Is this blog the result of comic evolution or was it simply created funny ?? I had always thought my splendid blog was the result of sheer hard work but perhaps God actually handed me the gift of comedy, just as Michelangelo depicted...and simply disguised it as a broccoli.

PG: I'm not really a carcinophobe; I just made that up for the story. Those teenie-weenie little mutant cells don't scare me.

Kitty: See, now YOU scare me. Who the fuck remembers the date of their first Google-stalk ?? Still, I'm glad you were insane enough to chase me round the net.

xl: Now that is one crappy movie.

MS: Get your lips off my ass. The piece was crudely crafted and to this day ranks as one of my greatest literary embarrassments however colleagues/friends still ask about it. Go figure.

Emmak: I know you're just being funny but I still say some of the finest comedy in the world is hidden away on blogs read by less than a dozen people. There are some very clever cunts out there.

BB: Pssst...the piece was fiction. I don't really go home and do that every Friday night. After the piece was published though, two things happened. Firstly my mother called me to say 'Hi Darling...is everything OK?' and when I told her everything was fine she said 'Lovely piece...but did you have to use your real name in the byline...coz some of my friends are calling to see if you're OK.' The second thing was that every Friday, when I did my collective 'Chherio' to my clients over the microphone here, they would say 'TGIF...have a lovely evening Fingers'...

unique_stephen said...

I remember reading that.

Robyn said...

How could we forget the Heckler! Nearly as good as the weekly SLAVE column and all the new friends. I wonder what all the contributors to SLAVE are doing now. Vic, Peter B, WJ and all the humourless dance music nuts. I certainly know what SLAVE herself is doing! Maybe not and I do not want to know. She certainly suffered from too much information syndrome.
Keep up the good work.

fingers said...

US: Really ?? It was pretty edgy for The SMH; I was a little surprised they published it.

Robyn: Hi Mrs L...I didn't know you were still reading TWG. Don't forget RADAR, which was good fun until those wankers from The Chaser took it over and fucked it all up. Can you believe those jerks are now being paid millions to churn out their sophomoric tripe while I still give away classic comedy for free...

EmmaK said...

Yeah but finding the funny cunts is like searching for a needle in a haystack - so much twaddle and self centered yowling about bad relationships etc - maybe you could provide a guide because I am seriously tired of wading through mediocre shit! you are the gold standard - you and captain smack who has buggered off somewhere.

El-Kevo said...

Wahaay !

On account of what's in your article I should live to 90 plus.

I've no fear of the newly emerging British Stassi State taking my DNA as I got rid of most of it one weekend when I was 14 and my parents were away.

How did I get blogging ?

I was desperate for some wank material and googled 'fingers' expecting to find footage of female masturbation for me to look at.

El-Kevo said...

I agree with your comment to Emma about the funniest people being bloggers.

I spend lots of time howling with laughter in a way that I never do with films or TV nowadays.

kittykillkill said...

Good read fingers. A cleverly written piece.

I was looking for something smartass to say but I've got nothing today.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

honey: Um...so why did you start blogging. Because you became a published author? I knew it. I could tell, it shows in your posts.

Um...I'be been published in European magazines. Though I didn't write anything, it was more just pics of me. My back on the carpet, legs up and heels to Juesus pose. And that German favorite...me in my blackest boots marching goose step...ja...ja!

later honey. xxx
PS...I just wished you posted more often. *wink*

Ms Smack said...

It was a good read then, and it was a good read now.

I sometimes miss the witty banter you shared with Mountjoy, of days gone by too.

Good times. Good memories.

Bad Bob said...

Thanks for the fiction tip. I'm just glad I didn't say thanks for the idea.

UBERMOUTH said...

That's all well and good except you picked the wrong type of pizza- mushrooms KILL!

Congratulations on being published.But next time please try and work in my name.

fingers said...

Emmak: You're too kind, baby. This will sound trite but that's part of the joy of finding genius. It's rare...which makes it all that much better. Books, movies, art...you always have to wade through a pile of shit to find the good stuff.

E-K: Have you ever seen Billy Connolly's skit about his first wank ?? It's priceless...the tag is possibly the funniest line in stand-up history. Google it.

KKK: Cruising can sap the creative will of anyone. hang in there.

Spiker: No, my incredible success in the SMH led to a guest spot on an online section in the same newspaper, and when that section got hijacked by The Chaser cunts I went solo on Blogger. I hate sharing the spotlight, baby.

Smack: Hahahahaha...yeah Mounty was good fun. And Lombay. And I'll always have a soft spot for that utter, utter cunt Sian.

BB: Hey, how's that plane of yours going ??

Uber: Actually, I was thinking of you when I wrote the post before this one...

Robyn said...

How could I forget Sian!!!! Your description very appropriate. Often wondered what she looked like and did she wear sensible shoes.

Memphis Steve said...

I had no idea that you had a successful stint writing for the Sydney paper. Now I think I must hate you. I had 2 syndicated columnists tell me I should write because they thought I was funny. But nothing I wrote went anywhere. Apparently editors don't think I'm funny at all. So I began my blog out of failure, quite the opposite of your motivation.

Holly Renee said...

I loved the article. What a good start. Staving off cancer one ejaculation at time. Who knew?

UBERMOUTH said...

hahaha. As long as I am head cu--.

fingers said...

Robyn: She was a he...remember...AKA Simon Something.

MS: Mate I'd hardly call it a successful stint. I was called 'Jack Marx Lite' by some unkind reviewers.

Holly: Hello. Welcome to TWG. It's a fairly Godless, faithless, clueless shitfight in here but make yourself comfy.

Uber: You'll always be the biggest cunt on this blog, baby...except for me...

Madam Z said...

Dear Dr. Fingers: Is masturbation an effective anti-cancer technique for women too, given the fact that we do not ejaculate?

Also, can a man actually be a "cunt," given the fact that he doesn't actually have a cunt? If so, does that mean it's appropriate for me to call an annoying woman a "prick?" If so, can a male "cunt" and a female "prick" have sex with one another? If so, who would be on top?

fingers said...

Z: No, masturbation is not an effective anti-cancer treatment for women; it's just fun to watch...

Bad Bob said...

I have about 150 flying hours on the plane. It is more fun than I can explain. I've been getting it ready for paint next month. A buddy who has a plane like mine are planning a trip from Kitty Hawk, North Carolina (on the East Coast of the US) to Catalina Island off the West Coast of Los Angeles next summer. We should be able to hit (figuratively) about 22-23 states and 6500 miles on that trip. I've got to put some more on my bucket list as there are only a couple more things after that.

Robyn said...

I missed the she being a he story!!!! Intriguing. She/he still pops up in other blogs.

The Lyrical Designer said...

lol. its all the tomato they eat. THATS what prevents the cancer.

Memphis Steve said...

Jack Marx Lite? Wow, that's not very creative at all. And when you responded with "cunt" I'm guessing you won that battle right off. Cunt beats Jack Marx Lite every time. It's like a royal flush in poker.

fingers said...

BB: Gee, does anything inspire confidence in flying like a captain with a bucket list.

LD: Hello, welcome to TWG. And quite correct about the tomato being the active anti-cancer ingredient. But it's hard to get a laugh from tomatoes, unless you throw them.

MS: They were so cruel. So, so cruel. They accused me of not really being a writer, which was harsh, considering I had stated point blank that I wasn't really a writer...

UBERMOUTH said...

* Off topic*

You're becoming such a cuddly, soft and NICE man. In fact, I would go so far as to say you set a fine example in making the sphere a safe and polite place.

You make mummy blogs look scary.

P.S I tried to hate you,but you're just too nice!

The Lyrical Designer said...

yeah. also funnier if they're rotten.

err...so i take it your fridge is stocked with tomatoes in all possibly vulnerable situations?

Bad Bob said...

I just hope I don't have to die if I finish the list. I guess I need to add: Party with Fingers (and hope I survive it)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers baby...um, I know this a lot to ask and not a whole lot of time to even come up with one of your masterpieces...but would you consider being quest poet in next Tuesday or the Tuesday after, Guest Poet at bit player.

you know you have that one masterpiece just stewing inside of you that you want peeps to taste.

late babes...
email me babes...if you decide to. xxx

Ms Smack said...

Are you still reading Marx? I left when he was fired, and hadn't gone back there, but I saw him on news.com.au, the other day.

BWater said...

Fiskers, how long will you dine out on that article . . . I guess when its the only decent self indulgent drivel you have written, and you lack any new talent, then you may as well blog about it.

You have to love bloggers.

mushroom said...

Recycled articles...recycled bloggers. Good to see your still around.

fingers said...

Uber: Damn. You were one of my brightest prospects for a hater. I just can't seem to attract a quality hater. It's so frustrating.

LD: Yes, I actually make tomato based lube for extra insurance.

BB: I don't do party.

Spiker: I don't do poetry.

Smack: I don't do Marx. Hey, who do you reckon this cunt DWater is ?? You're the finest snoop in blogging; what's your best guess ??

BW: Fuck you !!! And not because of your critical review; to be honest you make a fair point. Fuck you because I can't work out who you are. 'Fiskers' rang a bell and the Google-trail led me back to RADAR but there the trail went cold. It's almost Sian-lite in a way, or perhaps a heavier shade of Vic, maybe even Garryesque ?? It's not Lombay. Anyway, the inportant thing is that you found me, which proves you haven't got much of a life either.

Mushroom: Good god...this is turning into an episode of Cold Case...

Bad Bob said...

Don't do party? Well then I guess I'll have to live forever if I put that on my list.

So far, so good.

Steph said...

Since we're reminiscing, whatever happened to WJ, I had a slight crush on him for ages. Mex? Actonb? He/she hated me with a passion, I think I offended him/her with an anti-christian rant I did once.

P.S You were so much more polite to your commentators back then.

fingers said...

Steph: WJ mistakenly suggested something I'd written was 'unoriginal' and I banned him for life. ActonB moved to Utah where she is currently her husband's 6th wife. Mex married her boyfriend, an apprentice sign-writer...and they live in a council flat in Sydney's south west.
And how could I possibly be as rude on a public blog as I can on my own...you silly cunt...

UBERMOUTH said...

I could lend you a few of mine,but they're not exactly quality,but they'll do in a pinch. It's all good for PR.

fingers said...

Uber: That's not going to work is it ?? Most of your haters are probably me...

Steph said...

You gormless twat, I was talking about THIS blog. When you started you were actually amiable. Now you're just a crusty, cranky, old nuff nuff.

Ms Smack said...

well, interesting that they used the name Fiskers.... implies that it's someone from those years.... eh?

Smells like Donnie, to me.

UBERMOUTH said...

Then that's why you don't have time to post.

Memphis Steve said...

I had no idea there was a blog before this one featuring the same crustiness, but with a slightly different name. I knew at some point I was the new kid here, but I had no idea just how new.

mimi sioux said...

haha! you're brilliant!!

Sweet Cheeks said...

Hiya Fingers!

I never would have become a blogger if not for that fateful day I googeld tea tree oil...and found a post Electro Kevin a.k.a. El-Kevo did about his damn forehead. It's all his fault. I can't decide if I should hate him or thank him.
=]
xxx

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