Monday, March 15, 2010


They say everyone has a book inside them; they’re wrong.
Well, maybe everyone does have a book inside them but that doesn’t mean it’s a good book. It’s just something they say; like telling someone who’s just had a bird shit on them that it’s a sign of great prosperity to come.
It’s not; it’s just bird shit.
It’s just what they say to cheer the person covered in bird shit up and prevent them from cutting their own fucking head off.
Anyway, I’ve decided to try and write the book inside me…right here…on TWG…five-hundred words at a time…post by excruciating post…and I’d like you all to critique it for me as I go because I want to know if I’m going to be prosperous or simply covered in my own bird shit, so be honest, forthright…and above all clever with your comments.
And I promise to reward the cleverest comments by plagiarizing them shamelessly, without any credit whatsoever and using them in the book…
Now, from an operational standpoint, the book is in no particular order…except for the words…and I’m not even guaranteeing that.
What this slavering pre(r)amble amounts to is a warning that should you choose to keep reading you’d be wise to bear the following in mind. Although this is not meant to be an historically accurate record of events, I certainly haven't just made it all up…just some; although I can’t remember which exactly.
This story is based on facts, just not the sort of facts you’d be inclined to swear to under oath in court. And the characters are very real, except that they don't actually exist.
Most of the scenarios which follow possess a reasonable probability of having occurred (well…greater than fifty percent...) however they may have been embellished slightly; purely for entertainment…mostly yours…but occasionally just for my own. As the idiom goes, I won’t let a few facts stand in the way of a good story!!
As for the cast of characters, few of them have ever really existed in the normal sense of the word. Many of the characters are an amalgamation of several other people I've met, rather than a complete person in their own right. I have several excellent reasons for using this mechanism, although I’m not particularly convinced about any of them.
Firstly, by practicing this form of human concision, the storyline will be simpler for you to follow; less convoluted, less strewn with unnecessary distractions such as names. By attributing a cluster of real-life personalities, traits and experiences to just one character, I should be able to shed some cumbersome structure from the plot, thereby making this book easier for you to read. Fuck-knows it will be easier for me to write, which is a reward in itself.
Secondly, I have it on good advice, that in the event of any legal action arising from the book, it will be much harder for potential plaintiffs to identify themselves accurately enough to prove a libel has taken place. Actually, it wasn’t so much good advice as it was free advice, from a lawyer friend of mine who specializes in personal injury claims against publicity-shy, multi-national, fast-food chains. Charming man; works out of his car most of the day and sleeps in it the rest of the time.
And lastly but by no means least, I've never actually had the good social fortune to meet anyone in real life whom I consider even remotely interesting enough to stand alone as a character in a book. And that most certainly includes me.
So there you have it. I've tried to be as truthful as possible concerning the pack of lies I'm about to tell you, so don't say you weren't warned.
Right, now that's all been cleared up, I can get back to my book…
Where was I? Oh yes...

68 comments:

Ute said...

And if this book you will be writing, becomes hugely successful, and it's made into a movie by the likes of some hollywood tycoon such as, oh I dunno... James Camerson. Who will play you in the movie version?

C'mon, you surely have some idea...no?

*waits with bated breath*

DOG3OY said...

not another drunken, drug fucked, sexually motivated tirade of short stories based on the lifeless streets of Sydney..... I'll happily watch this train wreck and laugh as i wait for the movie/tele movie involving at lease one Dado to hit the wall.

suze2000 said...

It seems previous commenters have already jumped to the possibility of a movie from the book. I, however, am content to sit back and wait for the anecdotes to appear. :)

xl said...

Do I get to be the wacky neighbor?

unique_stephen said...

Well, when you jump the shark, some time past chapter 13 - I'll be here, rubbernecking at the wreckage.


Couldn't you just go straight to the telly movie...

EmmaK said...

Just remember us, your humble fans when you are famous
lol

I see, I think, Trainspotting set in Sydney. I always find that drug taking is so much more pleasant in sunny climes rather than having to hang around on freezing corners in Glasgow scoring heroin and freezing one's nuts off

Obviously Steve Buscemi will play you but can he do an aussie accent we shall see

Sweet Cheeks said...

I'm pretty sure you've got more than ONE book inside you.

You'll be successful of course, not because you are intelligent and a stickler for grammar and spelling...but because you have a fabulous imagination, and can take a joke farther than anyone I've ever met.
=]

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: So basically you're looking for betas, right?

Will this be a short story, a novella or a full length novel, sweetie? No matter, I'll be here to read and give you feed back.

Character building is an art that must be mastered quickly. It is life or death in the success of a novel. I'm glad you've already given it much thought and you already know your characters...now let's sse how you introduce them.

I've started a novella in typical Hollywood fasion. It begins with an earthquake and builds to a climax with the usual hero and a villain battle thingy. :)

So when can we see your first words? I can't wait.

later baby. xxx

kittykillkill said...

Lmfao @ pack of lies I am about to tell you.

At least you admit it. Lies or not I am looking forward to reading this novel of yours.

Fanny said...

No doubt this book will be hugely entertaining. Will you have a proper ending this time? Say, unlike your post "Road Tripping Part II" February 2009, which ended with To Be Continued, and never was?

I've been in suspenders ever since.

Steph said...

Oh yay. Another blogger wants to become an "Author". How unique.

sharemynonsense said...

I need some good reading on the tube so bring it on. Lots of sex, passion, drunkenness and someone dying at the end. Maybe from too much sex?

Josh said...

The problem with the book inside most people is that it is delivered to the world as a steaming and soiled tome fresh from their ass.

I will be waiting with latex gloves, hot water and clean towels....

fingers said...

Ute: Ha, honestly I'd love to be played by John Malkovich...but the studio will probably overule me and opt for Joe Pesci. The cunts.

D3: I'd like to hire you as a life-coach/mentor to help get me through the creatively difficult times I know are lurking somewhere down the track on which this train will surely be wrecked.

S2K: I was just thinking the same thing. People hear book and immediately jump straight to the movie. It's ridiculous. There's years and years of talk-show appearances to do before I even think about writing a screenplay.

xl: Which one ?? The guy whose fetish porn collection I still have ??

US: I refuse to allow my whole life to be reduced to 97 minutes of television. Although I'd be interested to see which sponsors would buy slots on a pice of shit like that.

Emmak: Ha, you cunt. Steve Buscemi is even worse than Joe Pesci. I hate you...:)

SC: Hi baby. I'm a bit dubious about doing this here because unlike my finely crafted blog pieces this thing will be very raw and unpolished. I just need to make a start and keep going and honestly hope it's not too painful for the reader to deal with. It will certainly have a different feel to it from the usual posts but I hope you'll all be able to see the end point of it.

SZJ: Betas, sycophants...groupies...whatever. Like I said, I'm really starting from scratch here. I'll build the characters bit by bit, like Frankenstein's monsters, so your experience will be more like watching them come to life rather than have their finished story simply serialized. Does that make sense ??

KKK: Thanks baby. I'll need lots of encouragement and possibly some graphic beaver shots to get me through this.

Fanny: A proper ending ?? I haven't even got a decent beginning or a mediocre middle bit yet...however as a reward for reading I'll be sure to incorporate the rest of that unfinished story in the manuscript somewhere...just for you...

fingers said...

Steph: And another theatrically-staged blog-suicide over at MAAS, I see. How unique. Thanks for the encouragement though. It means so much to me coming from a blogger who's barely a reader, let alone a writer. On a serious note though, will you be available to hand out cocktail napkins at the book launch ??

SMN: 'I need some good reading on the tube so bring it on.' I took me ten minutes of blank staring before I realised what that meant, Londoner.

fingers said...

Josh: Interesting metaphor you used there; I echo your sentiments. This exercise is less of a literary catharsis than it is an irrigation of my artistic colon...

Electro-Kevin said...

If there's anyone in bloggosphere who can do it it's you.

The only thing I'm wondering is why you haven't tried before. 5000 of those words will be 'cunt' anyway, so you won't ever suffer from writer's block.

Steph said...

lol, yes very theatrical, I made a whiny, attention seeking, post about leaving so people could beg me not to go in the comment section. NOT. Idiot.

Never professed to be a "Writer" you crustacean, seems a lot of others would be wise not to either, alas, their ego's have delusions of grandeur.
Bless.

Memphis Steve said...

It sounds as if you've stolen my blog technique. Actually, that's more or less how my brain works anyway, so you're book should be tremendously entertaining for me. And honestly, isn't that all the really matters? Well, to me it is. One day I will be our Speaker of the House, so learning to think only of myself is paramount. Ooh, paramount - that's a big word. 3 syllables and it has tremendous potential to be abused in a dirty joke. Para - mount. Hmm, anything with 'mount' has good potential.

So there I was, with my finger shoved up to the knuckle in the ass of this Mexican who had stolen my seat at the bar, forcing him to leap to his feet and give up my stool, or rather his own stool ... wait, what were we talking about?

Jen said...

......waits with baited breath.....

Memphis Steve said...

"whiny, attention seeking, post about leaving so people could beg me not to go in the comment section"

Hmm, I wonder who that was directed at?

BamBamBam said...

I reckon you should include the comments sections. Your responses to people's comments are as good as reading the blog itself.

The Lyrical Designer said...

you forgot to mention that youre going to add in it loads and loads of sexcapades that you have(nt) had.

Make sure you write about me and make me a hot woman. YA HEAR?

DOG3OY said...

fingers, I'll do it for the love and a mention in the closing credits as an assistant stunt woman

Jayne said...

Will there be a female character that pisses in the fridge? If there isn't, we'll all know your book is written by a ghost writer, no matter how many times you say cunt.

fingers said...

E-K: Wow, that's a serious compliment and a fearsome introduction, mate. I'm really looking forward to reading my own novel after that accolade.

Steph: Big deal. You're just making the trade-down from blogging to FB. You coward.

MS: Can I call you if I need 500 pages of book-filler to pad the novel ??

Jen: It's 'bated'...and I'm just baiting the book as we speak.

BBB: Absolutely, but even more importantly I intend mining the creative talent of my commenters as well. They're gold, Jerry...gold.

LD: Sorry but the sex will be non-fiction. If you want to be in the book I think you know what you'll have to do.

D3: You'll be the lead stunt-cunt. I promise.

Jiney: Funny you should say that...I was just penning something along those very lines. Hope to have mini-chapter 1 up soon...

Jen said...

FUCK IT.
Hate incorrect spelling.
Sorry.

Steph said...

lmao, If I was trading down I'd use Twitter you hapless numpty! Oh P.S It's so very courageous to have a blog! *snort laff*
Memphis, paranoid much? I hadn't noticed you doing any whining lately, but if you say so.

Robyn said...

Your previous blogs have had too much information for us to believe you could not make it a little autobiographical.
None other than George Clooney to play the leading role of Fingers.
Just how many contributors to TWG have seen you and will know George is the man.
The possibilities are endless.....the Miles Frankilin short list was published today so if you are lucky it could make the list for 2011. Good luck and look forward to the novel and then the movie.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Many books should be written, but not all of them published Mr Fingers!

:)

Bad Bob said...

Gee, I just wish I had been able to party with you at one time or another to at least be mentioned in the book, even if I would not be recognizable in print. In case you want ot use my real name, it's spelled Bob.
Let me know if you need some aerial work with my airplane for the movie.
To coin a phrase from Animal House, "This is gonna be great!"

mushroom said...

Which end is this 'book inside you' coming out of?

If you get writers block I suggest a pencil...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...ahhh yes, I get it. yeah yeah, like Frankenstein?

It's ALIVE!

ahuh ahuh...yes, starting from scratch...got it. Sweetie, while you're at scratch. I have an itch right there in the inner thigh, at the apex of my legs...could you um...

can't wait babe.

later sweetie. xxx

De Campo said...

This past weekend I read _I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell_ and thought to myself that it all would be a lot more interesting if they were Finger's story's.

I expect to be ridiculously lampooned and thrown under the bus in the first third of the book.

If you could find a way to have me killed by a tranny midget stripper; that will work as well.

Ms Smack said...

I think you can do it, and I think you'll find connections in Sydney book world to give you real advice, agent, etc.

I am also shouting out a big hellooooo to mushroom who i haven't seen for eons, well, since he moved to Qld.

Also, there is a program that uploads all of your blog posts, and images into a book format. In fact, you choose how the book looks.

Let me know if you're interested.

I started it years ago, as a back-up but lost interest.

Thanks for being cool about the facebook thing earlier.

xx

UBERMOUTH said...

Carrie Bradshaw is in da house!

Who knew!?
I will help you with grammar, sentencee structure and punctuation if you find yourself lost.

Seriously, if you are really going to write it, I would love to read it. You have a rapier wit and are a very clever boy, Fingers.

UBERMOUTH said...

And as a present, the only on word sentence that is grammatically correct.

You can start your book with it....

[ It is a dark and stormy night] and the 'fucking fucker's fucked.

Memphis Steve said...

Yes, of course. Endless pages of mindless, meandering filler is what I do best. And I work cheap. I'm cheap blogger whore is what I am.

Memphis Steve said...

Steph: Paranoid? Me? Why do you say that? What's going on here? Is my zipper down? What are you going to do with that knife? Shit, where's Kylie? She's behind me, isn't she? AUGH!!!

fingers said...

Jen: You and I both know that was no typo.

Steph: You'd be better off on Twatter with some of the nonsense you update.

Robyn: Hi Mrs L !!! And to think your daughter had much to do with launching my online career. I can imagine how proud you must be. X.

MoM: Good grief, where have you been ?? If a book fails to be published has it ever really been written at all ??

BB: Aerial work...hmmm...can you do some aerial pest control if I need it.

Mushroom: Hey weirdo, do you still keep in contact with any of the old gang ??

Spiker: If you end up being a 14 year old boy and this is some protracted FBI sting I am gonna have you killed from my cell.

DeC: Mate, I may not be able to have you killed by a tranny midget stripper but I do have some porn that is right up your alley. That will definitely be in the book...

Jen said...

.....I know.....hangs head and does shuffle of shame......

Steph said...

Twatter? Oh I see what you did there. Very clever. If this is the standard I can't wait for the book.


*yawn*

fingers said...

Smack: Thanks baby. I'm just going to crank out the manuscript in raw form piece by piece and see where it leads for now. Bit early to start choosing a cover and an agent.

Uber: Thanks to you too. Always on the lookout for an editor to help me with my 'sentencee structure'. I assume you work cheap.

MS: I didn't order any filler yet but thanks for the free sample of your work.

Jen: You knew I knew.

Steph: I refuse to be crtitiqued by a bimbo who writes 'Zomg...just went goo goo at Gaga...it was amazeballs...lulz'...

mushroom said...

Nah none of the old gang. Think you are the only one still blogging?

Memphis Steve said...

Just how old is this "old gang" anyway? I guess I thought the blog world began when I got here in around 2004 or 2005. Silly me.

Bad Bob said...

Aerial pest control?
I suppose it would depend on the pest.
I could rig a bomb bay and maybe some other ordinance, but I could definitly run the smoke system for mosquitoes.

UBERMOUTH said...

You see all the online fighting causes some of my keys to fall off,leaving me spitting out multiple 'e's or none!

I recant the offer, you nasty fuck.

I was going to work for freeeeee!

fingers said...

Mush: There can be only One, Mcleoud.

MS: It was just a natural progression after our careers in unpaid journalism ended. One of the RADAR writers defected to blogging and we all ended up jumping ship.

BB: I was thinking maybe we could dust Steph lightly with Australis perfume.

Uber: I'm not that nasty. I let the missing 'e' slide. However, for future editorial reference; you cannot recant an offer...you can retract one...and you can recant a statement. Pillock...

UBERMOUTH said...

I realized that after the fact smartie. I considered coming back to recant my recant in favour of a nice retraction, but then I would have looked anal or, worse,like some groupie hanging around.

* And now I look both.

Steph said...

Ha! This from a man who refers to "peeps" in his status. Peeps? Seriously!!!!!!!!

Don't worry Fungus, the only time I'd consider reading a book by you would be if I was suffering insomnia...........and had run out of Valium.........and had lost the will to live......Not necessarily in that order.
x

Steph said...

P.S tell your flying monkeys to fuck off!!

fingers said...

Uber: Yeah you walked right into that trap, didn't you.

Steph: Do you even realise how petty and stupid you sound on this blog? Nobody cares what you have to say so stop littering my comment section with your "look-at-me" antics. You stopped blogging right? So fuck off and stop spamming people who still are. You couldn't hold a candle to me when you WERE blogging and you sure as shit can't match wits with me now, so give up, slink back under your rock, and leave the commenting to the adults, it's tedious and boring to have to wade through the asinine rantings of people like you...

Steph said...

Hahaha! I knew it! It was YOU! Fucker!

Kitty said...

*wanders off to look up asinine in the dictionary*

BamBamBam said...

I haven't even started blogging yet, for fear of falling hopelessly short of your standards... I'm waiting for you to die so I can a) start blogging and b) claim to be good at Scrabble. Shouldn't be long now!

UBERMOUTH said...

When's the book launch?
* no pressure*

BUT...

At this rate, we're going to forget the first chapter before you've written the second.

Jen said...

......follows Kitty......

Spiky Zora Jones said...

finger...what do yo mean I better not be a 15 year old boy?

baby...you know I'm not...let me tell you in a song. :)
'In the Beverly Hill Billies tune.'

Well, listen to my story about Zora Jones. Cute little girl that's looking really swell. Perfect hair. Such a lovely laugh. Nice round breast and a firm young a_ _.

um...you get the picture baby.

Ciao baby. xx
PS...you better be a stud and not be a 65 year old perv. :)

Heff said...

All I've got inside me is a porno mag.

Bad Bob said...

I'd love to dust Steph, lightly or not, but then I'd be known as an old perv instead of just considered one. Problem with my brain is that it still thinks I'm 35. With all the high mileage, broken bones, pins screws and plates in my body, it thinks I'm a hundred.

Kitty said...

does steph indulge in 'look at me' antics?

i wouldn't notice, i'm too busy looking at her...

fingers said...

Steph: No, I just cut/pasted/modified slightly. To be honest I'm a little bit proud to have attracted such an eloquent groupie. She makes several excellent points.

Pooks: Steph reckons you can fly.

BBB: Mate, you're a very good Scrabble player. I'm just better.

Uber: Just finished Page 1...so with 499 to go I should have this book written in 67 years.

Jen: Fly behind Kitty...and remember to take plenty of bananas for the trip.

Spiker: I was watching some dumb programme on the Crime Channel about FBI internet stings...and I thought of you, baby.

Heff: Welcome to TWG. There's a box of tissues somewhere in here. Don;t make a mess.

BB: I know what you mean. I remember spending $1k in a hostie bar in HK last week but my Visa apparently remembers $3k.

Kitty: Who's a pretty Kitty...

Kitty said...

i'll give you banana's! and flying monkey's! thaaaaaat's - IT!!!!

i'm not smoking your bat ever again.

EmmaK said...

I second Ubermouth I don't wanna go all holier than thou but the way I see it you are not really getting on with this....
you are still vague about what the PREMISE is
A series of anecdotes is not a novel or even a non fiction book - you need structure and a theme to tie it together - so you need to get a book about writing novels and or non fiction memoirs and create the outline first otherwise this will be a string of funny incidents but not a book...

Also you need to write the book every day or you will forget what you wrote and it gets tedious to read through it all every time one picks up the thread

I'll give you a million quid if you finish this by July#


#maybe

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hi babe: I think of you too...when the FBI is on the tele and they are doing stings on pervs. :)

hehehe.

later sweets. Oh and i have a fab Tuesday poetry drive by for yah...I made it extra long cause I know you're into pain...er, I mean, I know how you're into the arts.

ciao sweetie. xx

Memphis Steve said...

I need to find out what this RADAR thing is. Prior to blogging I wrote for a college magazine. I got paid zilch for that, too, so I'm at least remaining consistent. When that ended I started my own magazine. It was sort of like a blog, only I had to buy paper and pay to print it up and then give it away for free. Oh, and I had to go around begging for ads to offset the costs, unlike here where Google happily gives you the ads, with things like gay cruises and feminist poetry adorning my awesome literary works. Yay!

You know, everybody thinks they're a damn writer these days. My personal trainer emailed me a manuscript he's working on to read and critique for him. I'm like "What the fuck, man, I don't have time for this. Put it in a blog like everyone else." I wish I was kidding.

ninni said...

nono everyone has a GOOD book inside..its what u think ..is a book...

UBERMOUTH said...

I know I have a habit of thinking verything is abou me[and IT usually is] but *whispers* Am I the flying monkey who is supposed to be fucking off?