Sunday, June 06, 2010

the world cup...and its world saucer...


Unless you follow soccer, which I most decidedly DON’T, the make-up of the eight four-team groups in the upcoming World Cup is a bit of a mystery…and to be honest I’m happy for it to remain so.
But as this gigantically boring snooze-fest draws closer, one of the questions you hear asked most often is ‘Hey which teams are in our group ??’
So, on your behalf I’ve written to FIFA and asked them to re-assign the thirty-two combatants in this year’s competition, combine them in groups that make logical sense and give them names that are easy to remember.

Here are the new official groupings:

Group 1: The WW2 Reunion Party… England, Germany, United States, Japan.
Group 2: The European Economic Bailout Brigade… Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal.
Group 3: The Worthless Sovereign Bond Society… Argentina, Paraguay, Brazil, Chile.
Group 4: The World Vision Project… Nigeria, Ghana, Cameroon, Ivory Coast.
Group 5: The Drug Cartel… Mexico, Honduras, Uruguay, Netherlands.
Group 6: The Terrorist Cell… Algeria, Serbia, Slovenia, North Korea.
Group 7: The Utter Utter Cunts Club… Denmark, Switzerland, France, South Africa.
Group 8: The Punching Bags… South Korea, Australia, New Zealand, Slovakia.

37 comments:

Ms Smack said...

LOL why are we the punching bags?

Electro-Kevin said...

Funny as fuck.

I think a major part of our downfall here in Blighty is the obsession with football.

To every crisis "Oh well. There's always football." Idiots turning straight to the back pages rather than reading the headlines - that's why Blair achieved power for nearly three terms of office.

I hate football with a passion. We'll bomb out as usual some way past the middle stages - there'll be the usual oafs bawling their eyes out as though there was any other likely outcome.

Football is all part of the panem et circenses in the abolition of Britain.

We're truly fucked - and I put it all down to the Beckhams.

CUNTS !

Ms Smack said...

I agree Kev. Those two are both c*nts. They've brought shame to your country!!

xl said...

Brilliant deconstruction!

My guide: Football, Footy, Soccer.

EmmaK said...

Snooze fest!!??? How can you say that? Is is a huge opportunity to be blatantly racist while pretending you are just slagging off certain footballers (right up your alley I would have thought). I for one will be rooting...for a team not sure who yet and now I come to think of it maybe rooting isn't the right word as it means something rude in australian

Jordan said...

I think France are overqualified for their Group....

Memphis Steve said...

It doesn't much matter how they group them. The United States is going to get stomped in the early rounds no matter what.

But at least we are consistent.

Jayne said...

I must admit certain things are a definite, such as English soccer commentators bleating on about how brilliant the team was in 1966 for fucks sake......they're like a bull terrier with a fuckin' bone - can't let go.
Another definite is the Nigerian fuckers trying to scam hordes of fans, which they did yesterday at a 'friendly' 'privately' organised match in Tembisa. Hundreds of fans had been sold fake tickets, undoubtably by fucking Nigerian scam artists & as a result, a small riot ensued. Oh wot fun we're gonna have over the next month.
I was a bit disappointed that you lumped my home country's team in the Utter Cunts Division, but upon reflection, it's about all they deserve, cos they've done fuck all over the years.
This whole SWC fiasco has guaranteed fuckin hysterical airfare prices, in & out of SA & that's really pissed on my battery, cos I'd dearly like to get the fuck out whilst all these so called fans are here.
Oh well, I'd love to know how many folk go home to their partners, taking a vuvuzela & a dose of AIDS as momentos.

Joe Hero said...

Spot on, really.

Come on, EmmaK - 'blatantly racist' is surely PC for 'not prepared to pretend non-whites are the greatest thing ever invented'.

Jayne, plain talk from you, thanks. Although I was a little disappointed to find that a 'vuvuzela' (new word to me) wasn't something to do with the ghastly practice of female circumcision. Sounds like it should be, somehow.

Roll on boredom ...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers babe, why are you saying punching bags babe? And Memphis Steve is so wrong about the USA, we'll make a good show.

Memphis...You can't win if you don't believe, if you give up before the fight. They believe they can do it...that's why they do it. I never went into a game (basketball, softball, volleyball) thinking I'm going to lose. I went in thinking I was going to win. And so do they.

ciao babe. xxx

Memphis Steve said...

Yes, but I'm not on the team, so I can sit on my ass and be realistic about it. We're going to get our asses handed to us by a bunch of French ferrymen.

Clyde said...

Well, that's two of us not getting out of bed at 4.am to watch some dribbling, diving and non scoring.
Shit, I can stay in bed and not score.
Ah, but, why are the Danish cunts ?
Just because we did a little raping and pillaging across the North Sea---everyone wants to call us cunts.
Get over it

ninni said...

Disposal of human corpses is the practice and process of dealing with the remains of a deceased human being. Human corpses present both a sanitation and public health risk. Like most animals, when humans die, their bodies start to decompose, emitting a foul odor and attracting scavengers and decomposers. For these reasons, corpses must be disposed of properly. The problem of body disposal consists of two parts: disposal of the soft tissues, which will rapidly decompose, and of the skeleton, which will remain intact for thousands of years under certain conditions.

Several methods for disposal are practiced. In many cases, the manner of disposal is dominated by spiritual concerns and a desire to show respect for the dead, and may be highly ritualized. This event may be part of a larger funeral ritual. In other circumstances, such as war or natural disaster, practical concerns may be forefront. Many religions as well as legal jurisdictions have set rules regarding the disposal of corpses. Since the experience of death is universal to all humans, practices regarding corpse disposal are a part of nearly every culture. hows this connected. disposal group

anyway british take cup

Joe Hero said...

Does anybody know what Ninni is on about?

Ms Smack said...

Joe, hi again :)

Nah, I skimmed. Couldn't be fucked. Thought it was spam. Maybe I'm wrong but I care less.

blinder said...

You got Australia spot on!
Germany were having some fun like a training/warm up game.

fingers said...

Smack: Er...coz we're shit...as the 4-0 score suggests.

E-K: Your keeper certainly immortalized himself in WC folklore. What a clown !!!

xl: It's a simple game played by dirt poor people.

Emmak: I'm throwing my support behing North Korea. According to their state news they have already won the WC and Kim Jong Il scored a hat-trick in the final.

J: Oh hello mate...you finally made it to TWG. You seem to have an unusually large gripe with the French.

MS: Wrong again...

Jiney: How fucking annoying are those vuvuzelas ?? Do the locals use them to drive the whiteys out of their neighbourhoods ??

JH: Oh sorry...didn't mean to crash your comment reply party. Carry on.

Spiker: 4-0...that's a punching bag as far as I can tell. And our bag got the stuffing punched out of it too...

fingers said...

MS: The US has more Mexicans than Mexico...your soccer teams hould be way better.

Clyde: The Danes bore me shitless...their Scandinavian blandness makes them cunts.

Ninni: Honestly, your reporting of the World Cup makes more sense than anything I've read so far about it.

Blinder: It could have been 10-0 if the Krauts had taken sharper aim. Hopefully Ghana will hammer the final nail in our coffin on the weekend and we can lay this dreadful sport to rest down here...

xl said...

Tip: Play the English. Their goalie scored our goal!

Ms Smack said...

Well, der, obviously they kicked our ass! I wrote that comment BEFORE this happened. Bloody Germans. Don't mention the war.

Bad Bob said...

So far, the Brits and the yanks are still about even. Subject to change depending who is in charge.

Memphis Steve said...

OK, so we managed a last-second tie with the Brits. It was the Queen's birthday. They were all probably hung over from partying the night before. But a tie is not a win. When we beat the French or the Brazlians, then maybe I'll actually turn on the TV and watch a game or two. Probably not, but maybe.

blinder said...

Yahoo....
This is how the Sydney Morning Herald take on last nights game...

" Australia would appear to be muscling in on the All Whites' historic draw against Slovakia at the football World Cup this morning.

The All Whites result, a couple of days after the "Shockeroos" lost 4-0 to Germany, was trumpeted as "Australasia 1, Slovakia 1: Kiwis get the point" in a Sydney Morning Herald column today.

John Huxley described the occasion as a "dire match, played in a half-empty bitter-cold Platinum City.''

Huxley conceded that Socceroo supporters needed no reminding that, temporarily at least, their team are struggling and quoted one Aussie fan at the World Cup disgruntled at the prospect of being upstaged by the Kiwis at the greatest game on turf. "

Memphis Steve said...

So America tied with Britain, New Zealand tied with .. someone. And Australia tied with Slovakia? Wow, and this is supposed to be exciting?

UBERMOUTH said...

Men who run around after a bloody puck or ball need to get online and GET.A.LIFE!

The Lyrical Designer ♥ Quit yer Blatherin said...

lol i like the World Vision Project. i worked for them for a while.
they play a shyte game though.

Ms Smack said...

oi, are you dead? You seem alive on FB. Come back!

Ms Smack said...

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Ms Smack said...

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Ms Smack said...

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Ms Smack said...

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Kitty said...

spammed hard! what's up smoopie? too busy emailing me at work all day and sitting counting your money at night to cowboy up and write something on your blog?

sound just like me (except i don't have any money to count).

Steph said...

You washed up fucking hack! Get your sagging, wrinkled arse in here and entertain me!

The Lyrical Designer ♥ Quit yer Blatherin said...

The World Cup's LONG over ya know?

or are you still crying in front of your TV?

Meeheehee :D