Thursday, September 21, 2006

welcome to TWG...don't fucking steal anything while I'm gone...

Thank you for visiting The Whine Guide.
This blog is currently unattended and will continue to be so until Oct 9th.
Your posts are important to me, as they continually reinforce my belief in the intellectual/emotional gulf between us.
So please have a look around, leave a message after the beep and I’ll be sure to insult you in the most revolting, insensitive and personal manner when I return.
In the meantime…enjoy the peace and quiet…

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

one man's meat is another man's greener grass...

Unlike many of you whining, bitching, moaning minimum-wage-slaves…I actually love my job.
I’m a foreign exchange dealer/broker; I buy and sell very large sums of money against other currencies in the hope they appreciate/depreciate by small amounts, thereby securing a profit for yours truly. Then there are the losing trades; shit happens, eh…if it was that easy, even you cabbages could be doing it.
Anyway, this morning I was going through the pre-work morning ritual at home…strong coffee, cigarette, financial news from Europe/US, another cigarette…
Suddenly the Bloomberg Financial Channel froze, as the digital cable channels do from time to time, although with Bloomberg FC it’s sometimes 5 minutes before you notice any difference…as was the case today.
When the freeze finally dawned on me I flipped over to FoxSports1 and took in a little of the overnight golf from the UK. I love golf; love playing it, love watching it and like every golf-tragic out there I dream of playing it professionally.
All those beautifully manicured fairways, the towering trees, the sculpted waterways …the chance to be a fat white guy dressed like a skinny black pimp for the day.
It’s all so, so good.
Literally, it’s a walk in the park interrupted by the occasional act of hitting a small ball with a stick and picking up your wheelbarrow full of cash at the end.
All so, so good.
But then I got to wondering; does golf become just another tedious job to these guys after a while ?? Do professional golfers ever stand there waiting to tee off and think ‘Fuck this shit…I wish I could sit in an office for 10 hours a day and trade currencies for a living…’

Sunday, September 10, 2006

great moments in history...

I had some people over for dinner last Saturday night and despite the filthy weather, we threw a slab of pork onto the BBQ, then retired to the lounge room to watch The Swans smash The Weagles.
The French doors from the balcony were open and within minutes the aroma of singed pig came wafting across our olfactory paths, reaffirming my belief that the BBQ is truly symbolic of man’s most basic right to bare tongs and burn mammals. A vat of ’00 Peter Lehmann Eight Songs Shiraz later and I was waxing lyrical about what I suspect must have been one of the Top 3 moments in human history; the day the first caveman put a piece of raw pig onto an open flame.
One of the popular theories suggests that about 125,000 years ago, Homo Erectus was simply using fire as a means of warming himself/warding off predators. At the time, whatever meat made up part of his diet was consumed raw; this was not only rather disgusting but also very fucking difficult to chew/digest. Anyway, it’s thought that perhaps Gronk and his fellow prototype Carpaccio-gobblers may have thrown a few hunks of their raw meat into the fire as part of a primitive offering to what they considered some sort of benevolent, protective god.
Whatever the reason, can you imagine the sheer, utter delight as the raw pork (I’m making the assumption here…) spluttered and spattered and sizzled in the glowing embers ?? Imagine smelling pork cooking for the first time…it would have been heavenly. Imagine retrieving the crusty brown morsels from the flames, all covered in juicy, moist crackling. Imagine putting the first piece of hot roast pork in your gob, taking a bite and wondering why you hadn’t thought of doing this 300,000 years earlier when you first discovered fire.