Sunday, May 27, 2007

and while we're on the subject...

This week I’d like to indulge myself by having a good old moan about one of my pet RSVP peeves; chicks who like to imagine they’re ‘eclectic’.
At the mere sight of the word ‘eclectic’, I tend to fall into a disinterested stupor – ‘eclectic’ is perhaps the most overrated, over-abused, over-subscribed adjective in the internet dating lexicon.
This is what ‘eclectic’ means, ladies…
1. Selecting or choosing from various sources.
2. Made up of what is selected from different sources.
3. Not following any one system, as of philosophy, medicine, etc., but selecting and using what are considered the best elements of all systems.
So, when you claim, ‘My apartment is an eclectic mix of exotic treasures…’ what you’re actually saying, in a pretentiously sickening way, is that you have a variety of furniture and decor in your apartment.
Big fucking deal !!
Who doesn’t ??
Placing a Balinese mask next to a glass bowl of pebbles on your coffee table doesn’t make you an art historian, Charlotte. There’s no need to give the impression you’ve accumulated a vast, magnificent store of object d’art from your extensive travels as the Most Senior Location Scout for ‘Conde Nast’.
Look, it’s not your fault you’re an irritating cunt.
I blame the rise of ‘lifestyle media’ on the whole…but it just makes me suspect you’re probably an Ikea-buying hair-stylist from Lakemba even more…

Sunday, May 13, 2007

if you don't ask you won't get...

So, I’ve noticed that many RSVP contestants prefer to use some kind of interrogative for a header, as though posing a question indicates a certain quiet depth to their character.
Ladies, there is nothing deep about rhetoric when applied to self-description; it simply looks smug and conceited. However, since you asked, I have decided to let my ‘Magic 8-Ball’ answer your pithy enquiries.

You asked: ‘Is it possible I’m a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma ??’
The 8-Ball says: ‘It’s more likely you’re just a plagiarist, wrapped in a fraud, inside an unoriginal copycat.’

You asked: ‘Am I just too picky?’
The 8-Ball says: ‘No you’re just a complete cunt.’

You asked: ‘Will you be the one to spoil me ?’
The 8-Ball says: ‘I’d like to be but it looks as though the humidity has already beaten me to it.’

You asked: ‘Is it true that opposites attract ??’
The 8-Ball says: ‘Why don’t you find someone interesting and test your hypothesis.’

You asked: ‘Where have all the wonderful men gone ??”
The 8-Ball says: ‘They’re partnered up with the wonderful women. That’s how it works. You and the rest of the cabbages will just have to make do with the orts and leavings of the relationship feast.’

You asked: ‘I walk along a forest path. A handsome stranger walks towards me. I smile at him and he smiles back. Are you that stranger ??’
The 8-Ball says: ‘Yes. I’m Ivan Milat…pleased to meet you…’