I hate the fucking Swiss !!!I hate that despite their convenient sense of neutrality, the way they look you in the eye and say, ‘No, no…during the war we made cow bells, cuckoo clocks and chocolates,’ when in fact they were allowing Nazi train-convoys to reverse into their cavernous bank vaults and disgorge a mountain of gold fillings, plundered directly from the teeth of their unfortunate, former- European owners, that they can’t see they’re nothing but Germans minus the attitude, nuts and sense of responsibility.
I hate that despite not currently having a standing army, nor having been at war for the two-hundred years since Napoleon kicked its strudel-making ass, Switzerland still claims to manufacture the best ‘Army Knife’ in the world. Ha !!! No wonder it was amongst the last countries in history ever conquered by the French. I can just imagine the great Swiss military geniuses of their day devising a trap to lure ‘The Little Emperor’ into a mountain pass then obliterate his forces with a withering barrage of corkscrews, nail-files, toothpicks and Allen keys. ‘Yeah fucker…and if you survive the onslaught, there’s a bunch of us armed with Phillips-Head screwdrivers, tweezers and retractable soup-spoons behind that...’
I hate that despite being land-locked, never having had a navy of any description, nor a sea-faring adventurer of any note, this boring collection of professional yodelers somehow managed to win ‘The America’s Cup’, thereby proving what a simple thing it should have been to do so in the first place.
I hate that the Swiss convinced me to pay two-grand for a genuine ‘Tag Heuer’ watch that keeps no better time than a fake one costing ten bucks…but what I really hate most about those filthy cheese-fonduers…is that despite the admittedly infinitesimal possibility that by doing so they might unwittingly have caused the end of the universe, they took a chance anyway and switched on their ‘Large Hadron Collider’ without asking me first…
89 comments:
they do have some attractive women tho
ah! so you ARE nervous about the end of the world then.
what a ray of sunshine you are today smoopie. you....HYPOCRITE!
you know what i mean. you know.
US; Thay should fire those 3 milkfraus round the LHC and smash them into each other. I bet that'd make a Fucking Big Bang.
Katie: Only until I'm gone, then you can do what you like with it as far as I'm concerned.
Kitty: Yes, I do know what you mean. I always know what you mean, Mysterio...
"pay two-grand for a genuine ‘Tag Heuer’ watch"
International monetary trader?
[cough, cough]
xl: Yeah well, everyone always seems so broke and negative about their financial situation. I just thought it'd be a nice change for someone to admit life is grand...
Or two-grand even...
Don't care about a Tag-Heuer, but I would like a Rolex.
The bad thing about the doomsday device, is that we can't tell if it is creating a black hole until it's too late.
The black hole that is probably going to suck up all the gasoline.
I'm pretty sure there have always been plenty of nuts inside Swiss star Ursula Andress (maybe that came out wrong)...
Other then my Tag-Heuer watch and my hot chocolate, there is one other good thing that came from Switerland, his name was Albert Hofmann he was the founder of Synthesised Isergic Acid Diethylamide (Magic Mushroom).
He lived to be 102 years old. He just passed away this year.
This (Active weed) found cycling on his way home in 1943.
So, not everything that is Swiss is bad.
Not a user, just a expermentalist in college.
Ah, the Swiss...funny people. They're almost like oompa-loompas but taller and not orange.
Sweetie...the Swiss brag about LHC but really, it isn't all that large. I mean, I've seen bigger.
hehehe
Oh...you're talking particle physics. Oh crap! Do you think they will play Wagner's...Ride of the Valkeries as we become no more. I'm not much into Wagner and it's not because they played his music in concentration camps in WWII...okay maybe that too but, I'd rather hit myself on the head with a polo mallet then sit out a Wagner opera. And I'm one who loves operas. Ever hear Ride of the Valkeries translated in English? It really sucks more in English. Don't try it without a cyanide capsule.
I know...I've totally strayed from the main subject...you.
Sweetie...those Swiss, I can take them out for you with my booby-pin. I even get a refund on that over priced watch.
Ciao sweetie babe. Have a fab Tuesday. kisses and hugs :D
I did believe the end of the world was nigh, so I got all my shoes out of their boxes (84 at last count) got nekkid amongst them, rolled around the floor and mastied like a mad woman!
All for NOTHING!!
I did experience my own big bang though so all was not lost. *ahem* I'll just get my keys then.
P.S Best blog post I've read in WEEKS!
I'm so bored I could cry! Even contemplated reading a fucking book last night!
Nice post.
$2000 on a watch ay fingers. I take it you’re job requires you to be smart with other peoples money, not your own
BB: I have small, girly wrists, so I can't wear a Rolex.
Rack: I've read that comment ten times and it still makes no sense, dickhead.
Emmak: That comment is probably the reason why we don't see many Swiss stand-ups.
Cat: Hmmm, I thought Magic Mushies were Lysergic Acid.
Spiker: I'd like to send your brain for a ride on that LHC and see what spills out.
Steph: You keep your keys in there ??
BooBoo: We have a saying in Cunt Point: 'Sold my watch, bought your house, cunt'....
Don't hold back fingers. I've heard it can be bad for you...
Fingers: You are so right! I missed spelled "Lysergic".
Sometimes, ONLY Sometimes.....my brain moves faster then my "fingers", so sorry!
If you haven't notice I never use spell check, maybe I should start.
I will never look at a Swiss Army Knife without thinking of you Fingers...
And I'll never look at a set of keys without thinking of Steph..
And we have a saying down here in Richmond: ‘Sold my house for a watch and now I have to live in Cunt Point’
It's all fun and games until they read your blog. Then before you know it, they are tearing apart the coo coo clock with their philips head screw driver, filling it with explosives, and then attaching wires, that were stripped with the nail file, through the wood casing using holes made by the corkscrew and attaching them to the functioning (quite well might they add)workings of the clock so that you hear "tweet tweet tweet" before the KABOOM on your cute little moped.
Phish: Serenity now, serenity now.
Rack: Take some pride in your garbage and proof it first, you lazy cunt.
Cat: Well, to be perfectly accurate, Lysergic Acid Diethylamide (LSD) is the synthetic product. Magic mushrooms contain Psilocybin, which is a naturally occurring hallucinogen.
Trav: That seems harmless enough.
BB: I'm sure that will be a source of great discomfort to her when she reads it.
BooBoo: We have a saying up here: BoBo is a cunt.
Kelly: I think your Swiss cheese has fallen off your cracker.
Kitty: Ouagadougou.
Clyde: Forget Hingis. Google 'Heidi Eisterleiner', who was a Swiss tennis hornbag back in the 70s...
Classy people.....
......and just like Ouagadougou, people still have to live in the poorer districts like Moemmin, Niogsin and Paspanga............. I guess somone has to live in the slums.
Im surprised you mentioned nothing of their disgusting cheese.
And how could they consult you.... they passed on a message to me but I didnt have your number so.... well... if you give it to me now will save any hassles for next time.... whaddya say ole buddy ole pal.
I want to hit you up when Im in Sydney. You know I will.
BooBoo: Very pithy observation. Do you find yourself getting sucked off by rich chicks at parties with that line ??
(.)(.): Baby, I'm not even going to be in Sydney for NYE. And before you ask...NO...
Geez, Google rejected Heidi Eisterleiner but kept coming up with Martina and Roger Federer's cow
I lose my keys all the time. A bit like my virginity.....what? Works for me.
The miserable fuckers - the least they coulda done was notify you about the experiment or even offered for you to press the tit & start the action.
Nice to know you've got a bit of taste when it comes to watches, even if you did get nailed 2 grand for it.
BTW, I've given you an award. You nearly, neeeaarrrrrly got me to say the C word :-)
I'm finding it increasingly uncomfortable, but I agree with you again. First the Olympics and now the Swiss. dammit.
As for steph losing her keys..what the HELL is it with women and keys?? read my blog for a simple strategy for keeping track of the surprisingly agile little buggers...
U hate him cos I believe ur not gay?
Keshi.
Clyde: Well trust me she was hot. Sadly, she couldn't play for shit, so she never got past the first round most times.
Steph: Well stop chucking them into the bowl at those parties.
Jayne: An award ?? Where ??
Village: Take the pain. Get on the bandwagon.
Keshi: Are you on the right blog, baby...
You make me so sad.
Cry me a river.
Federer's cow wasn't ugly
I hate how popular you are. Can't you write more about scrap booking and the neighbours' cats to make me feel better?
Oh.. and why 'fingers'? Is there an interesting/dirty story behind that?
fingers...um, if you're NOT going to be there on NYE...well honey, I can house sit for you. I know you want your kitty taken care of...right? I'll kiss it and feed it and pet it. Give lots of love...you know.
So...hey if it's okay I'll house sit for you.
Nod your head...yes.
Um...can (.)(.) come stay there too. I'll make sure nothing gets broken.
finger babes...she hot! Plus we'll take pics and video while we play Wagner's Ride of the Valyeries in the background.
Wha-hey...no need to worry where she'll sleep...um, I'll scooot over and there will be plenty of room, so she can sleep with me. :D
Fingers babe...nod up and down...I meant your other head. Yes?
Ciao honey, have a fabulous Friday and weekend. Damn I love this blog...fab playground.
I have identified why the Swiss are so boring. They do not use enough sex toys.
http://www.soccerphile.com/soccerphile/euro2008/culture/swiss-sex.html
The 2005 Durex Sex Survey shows that 17% of the Swiss said they had had a one night stand, 40% had had anal sex, and 22% had been involved in some kind of bondage. This makes them slightly less kinky than North Americans and British, and roughly similar to Scandinavians.
In comparison with most European countries they are relatively unlikely to use vibrators, but only Canadians are more into massage oils and lotions than the Swiss.
I'll bet you're afraid of microwave ovens, too, aren't you?
As for watches ?
Can't beat a CWC Pilot's watch at about £250 sterling.
If it's good enough for a Eurofigher pilot then it's good enough for me.
Wouldn't mind an IWC though, which is a very expensive immitation of the CWC.
As Lilith said, couldn't they have tried a 'small' Hadron Collider first ?
Note that Nazi gold (Hitler was Catholic) isn't the only thing protected by the Swiss. The Pope is protected by the Swiss Guard no less. Mussolini was Catholic too - so was my Mum, incidentally.
yes man I am!
*slap!*
Keshi.
Rack: Yeah but I couldn't be fucked typing all that.
(.)(.): Don't be a sook.
Mone: If you ever mention saving money again on my blog, I'll have to ban you. It lowers the whole tone of the place.
Clyde: Yes, I'm sure it was adorable. Moo.
Lana: You're just saying that because you're simple and stupid. I bet you get underestimated alot.
Spiker: Oh yes, that makes the whole deal sound much better. I'll have some keys cut for you and (.)(.) tomorrow...NOT...
What's this? The almighty Fingers has lowered himself to my level? *sarcasm key is malfunctioning*
I do not believe it. Same to you sweetheart.
"...NOT..."
Someone has seen Borat.
Sorry kids, got halfway through the replies and actually had to do some work. Now where was I...
Emmak: Well, I don't think I'm boring, sexually speaking...but I've only tried anal once too. Hated it. Made my bum hurt, so I don't blame the Swiss for that.
MS: Would you believe I've never even owned a microwave ?? I'm a bit of a traditionalist like that.
Hey, how do you go at leaving messages on answering machines ?? I bet you leave a message, hang up, then call back to explain the previous message, then call back and say please disregard both messages...and leave another one.
E-K: Now I know you definitely do that with answering machines. I bet you could fill an entire cassette some days.
Keshi: Sweet.
Lana: Lowered myself ?? Look, I may be a rude prick but I always answer my fan mail. And soon I'll come over and soil your blog for good measure.
xl: Never seen it...honest...it's excruciating...
Aww you're so sweet. But I reckon I'll outdo you in this competition my friend, because while you have work to keep dragging you away from an intense poo-flinging duel with me, I on the other hand am now on holidays so have ALOT of time on my hands before I go to TassieMania. ALOT of time in which I intend to spend upon your blog comment space soiling it. Tehe.
I thought that was how you were supposed to use an answering machine.
Is it not?
Lana: Well, with all that free time on your grubby young hands, and a penchant for grammatical pedantry, I suggest you grab a good dictionary and have a flick through it.
Let me know if you come across the word 'alot' in it ??
I'm pretty sure you won't...
MS: Yes, it is not...
u know fingers, u really hv a way with ur words...ur SOOK comment to me made me get back up and kick ass like hell ;-) ty!
*HUGZ*
Keshi.
Hello
*LOL*...Swis(ch)s it sounds like that...:)
It's in Generation Y's unofficial dictionary. Along with 'facebook', 'woot', 'lol', 'wtf', 'fugly', etc.
It's due for release next year to the general population but I imagine that you would've died from old age by then dear Fingers.
Don't worry, we'll still try to include you in the fun by engraving 'Fngrs a fkn agro cunt. blovd by blogr cunts evrywhere' on your tombstone :D
Zomg! Your comment section gets more bizzare by the day. SRSLY! I dinnae know whether to laff or weep!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh sweetie, so sorry that losing your anal virginity was a rough ride...you just need to find the right lady to ply you with tequila before she ploughs you
*giggles*
I went to Switzerland once... it was nice. Do you know that everyone in Switzerland is armed and that they have laws about windowboxes and when you can flush the loo?
Keshi: I'm just thrilled to be able to make a difference. If I can save just one depressed blogger then it's worth it.
Fancy: Welcome to TWG. Where exactly is Sweden ?? I always assumed Sweden and Switzerland were the same thing but I just Googled it and they appear to be seperate countries.
Lana: Are you going to carve that inscription in my tombstone with your acid wit ??
Steph: It's blogging's answer to the LHC.
Emmak: I hate tequila even more than bum sex.
Cat: No giggling.
Mut: Yes, that's just like the fucking Swiss to regulate their toilets and leave their banks to run free...
Wait, so you went all the way to Switzerland to get anal-raped by three Swiss women with a Tequila bottle? Can't you just run over to Melbourne for that freaky shit?
If you'll leave a message after the beep I'll get back to you as quick as I can ......... *CLICK*
Would you look at that? I narrowly missed crossing comments with Kylie. That's almost like sex, only nothing like it.
Kylie: No, I just assumed your week-long soberfest was over...
Was it good for you Memphis?
Fingers you knob! You have NFI! Right!
Next person to post on this thread wins a life ban from TWG.
Go on...I dare you...
**GIGGLES**
Go ahead I dare ya!
LOVE YOU!
Fingers! I really love your blog man! Straight down the line..!! I think iv found a home from home.. :-) And great comments here from the crew, especially from Spiky. As to the Swiss.. cant say im over keen on them.. on the other hand im particularly partial to a little Swiss Miss that i hook up with in Milan.. :-) Fingers.. Iv got a question to ask if i may? Is it bad bloggy form to tell someone to fuck off on your blog? I would like to tell LANA to fuck off but only if you are ok with that? I thought she was Swiss.. but she is not refined enough to be Swiss.. So i must be wrong. May i have permission to tell her to fuck off? She called me a whore on Bo Bo the other day! And she is a bar maid on tips! He He he.. Seems she has alot to say!? Thanks Fingers.. Love Tiff
I'm so cut up that you're not going to fund my porn film. For your information I have the skills that would have made FOX IN STOCKS a seminal classic. And I'm sure electro-kevin and the rest of your followers would have liked bit parts in it too. We could even have given it a Swiss flavor by using a Toblerone as anal beads or by covering your dick in melted cheese fondue.
fingers baby...I'm still waiting at the post office for the mansion keys. Remember...me and (.)(.) asked to stay there this NYE...the trade off is fab. use your imagination. Hint you could add to your collection of muff licking girl on girl porn. hehehe.
Hey I'm there in a couple weeks...I can pick them up then...just need directions or should I just look for the biggest house with a boat. *smiles*
hey sweetie...Tiffany is here...yay! She's hot. hehehee, that was kind of Paris Hilton of me huh? But she is baby. :P
Oh hey...can we invite her to your mansion too...um, that means we need another key.You are a swell guy. I heart you so hard sweetie.
Ciao baby.
This NYE sleep-over Spiky and (.)(.) are angling for could be just the ticket for another The Brain-esque adventure at Cunt Point. Blogging gold.
Cat: The only thing saving your giggly ass is the fact that this effort didn't legally qualify as a comment.
Tiff: I'm just going to put you on hold for a moment, have a squizz at your blog and decide what to do with you. I suspect you'll require some special attention...
E-K: Fuck me. No wonder they were raving about Gordon Brown's Churcillian oratory efforts the other day if that's what passes for wit in the Yookay these days.
Emmak: Well, sadly I've committed my entire speculative funding for the year to another film entitled 'Fox in Lox', about a young girl who can only orgasm when covered in smoked salmon.
Spiker: No can do, baby. I've rented the mansion out to 'Sting' for the week. Um, you and Tiff seem very alike...
xl: No repeats here on TWG. Every episode is fresh...
Lmfao! Can you please ban Kylie? Your comment section has officially become the three ringed circus of the sphere.
Fact!
fingers: babe, hey I've noticed that too. Ain't she adorable and she's hot too.
Hey that F'ing Sting. hehehe That's the third mansion he's rented from under my nose. he's following me, I tell you.
hey...fingers, that tiff, she's really a very sweet girl.
Just saying. :D
Ciao babe.
Steph: I'd never ban Kylie. She's adorable. And she's included you in her latest post. Still LYFAO, beeeeeotch ?? I think the circus just switched tents.
What I don't understand is how a comment thread this funny was ripped with the forceps from a post on the Swiss
I despise the swiss also.
For being so neat and organised.
You can't trust them.
And? am i lined up for some special attention mr fingers? :-) im feeling lonely so some special attention may be really appreciated! But im a little concerned as the Swiss have taken hard hits here! totally fingered! So i will agree to behave on your blog now. :-) Really appreciate via latitude given. Speaking about latitude.. You are always welcome on my latitude. :-) pop over to The Candy Store some time. Love Tiff
I knew you wouldn't Banned my "Giggly Ass" from TWG to your dungeons.
Thanks for sparing me from your dark, damp dungeons.
It's nice of you to give me another chance, but I'm thinking you have become quite smitten with Cat lately or maybe I'm just in hopes that you are.
'Fox in Lox'
smells a bit fishy to me
I hope you're not going to use live goldfish in the sex scenes or I'm writing to PETA
omg u deleted my comment! bully!
Keshi.
Steph: Yes, even though I have no contact details whatsoever for Kylie, I somehow managed to get her to post those pictures on her blog. Excellent work, Clousseau.
US: Well, I guess I can take most of the credit for that. No point being humble now.
MS: Did you leave an earlier message on my machine then delete it ?? Something about bikini photos and a box of tissues ??
Fifi: What about gays ?? They are neat and organised.
Tiff: No, I haven't forgotten you. Just a bit busy at work and I have much to tell you. Be patient.
Cat: Who's a clever little pussycat ?? How did you get through my defences so easily ??
*someone get the net*
Emmak: Brilliant work maintaining the fish humour there, Groucho...
Keshi: You were caught in the crossfire...
na I wasnt, u were. in the crossfire of loconess.
Keshi.
Stranger things have happened mofo.
Hi Fingers! Just checking in. Been digging a little deeper into your blog. Stacks of Depth. Have a great weekend! chat soon. love Tiff
Yes, that was me. I was just going to tell you to get over to Kylie's fast before Steph makes her take the photos down. But then I realized you'd already been there 'cause there were no tissues left.
im irish and totally get the neutral thing......... its maddening! id love to be conscripted and sent to Darfur to control hundreds of black men with my whip.......... it upsets me Whine, this neutrality........
Well, the LHC looks like it's offline until at least next spring.
But I agree with your assessment about the Swiss. Maybe it's that sense that strict neutral amorality is really a form of immorality and evil.
I see you're rapidly approaching 100 comments again.
mm. yes, true, however I like gays.
Perhaps I have never gotten over being relegated to the childrens table at dinner last time I visited people in Switzerland.
Clearly I need to work through that particular trauma and move myself on.
Hey Fingers! Enjoyed your deep diving visit.. Good to see you.. you are always welcome at the oyster bar! And remember.. I really enjoy a guy with clever fingers.. :-) Love Tiff
Hey Fingers..
It's got wings now!
Bob
... never !
Keshi: I see ??
Steph: I think blogging may have been suppressing your paranoia. You should start again.
Tiff: Yes, thanks. It's a very important body of work, second only in depth to Newton's 'Principia'.
MS: No need. I have the original photo. Need some tissues ??
Tom: Hey, I kinda like being called 'Whine'. It seems so natural to me.
Reg: Pffft...I hardly even think about the '100 comment barrier' anymore. It's so commonplace these days.
Fifi: No, I say bottle up that fury and take revenge on those fucking Swiss some day.
Tiff: I once wroote a whole story about an oyster.
BB: You should call it 'Red Bull' then.
E-K: Thank you. You are the tinsel on my tree.
Trav: I did...so quit calling me names, beeeeeotch...
When the Swiss piss, they miss.
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