Tuesday, October 12, 2010

seriously...what are the chances...

They say that there is someone out there for everybody !!!
They, of course, are full of shit. These are the same ‘they’ who tell losers it’s lucky when a bird takes a crap on them. It’s just not true.
There may in fact be more than one person for some people…but unless you’re the sort of cabbage who believes in the magical healing power of rainbows, it’s time to admit that for other people there just might not be anyone.
I figure it’s a numbers game mostly.
BFNs !!! The ‘B’ stands for big, the ‘N’ stands for numbers…I’ll let you fuckers work out what the ‘F’ stands for.
Take me for instance; what are the chances that there’s someone out there for me ?? Slim, that’s what sort of chance there is…because as everyone knows I’m an asshole…and a very choosy one at that.
But let’s do the BFNs anyway, shall we ?? And let’s assume that for every disqualifying criterion we remove roughly (ROUGHLY ok) 50% of the available number of candidates according to the theory of normal distribution.
So, say there are 6 billion people on the planet; half of them are disqualified immediately for not being chicks, so that leaves 3 billion; still a pretty BFN.
Of course half those chicks are the wrong age, either too young and protected by the law or too old and protected by nature, so that leaves 1.5 billion.
Half of those are the wrong height, either potential draftees for the NBL or trolls that look like they’ve fallen off a key ring, so that leaves 750 million.
Half of those are the wrong weight, either skeleton-like bags of anorexic bones or binge-eating tubs of lard, so that leaves 400 million.
Half of those have heads like watermelons or faces that are interchangeable with their ass, so that leaves 200 million.
Half of those are dumb cunts with the IQ of a pot-plant, so that leaves 100 million or so.
See, not such a BFN now is it…although it’s still not a bad number but we’ve only got through the shallower, physical requirements for my perfect partner.
Let’s look at some of the deeper qualities I’m after…
Half of those are either God-bothering hand-holders, tree-worshippers, fundamentalist suicide bombers or spend every Saturday night on the roof of their Doomsday Church waiting for a spaceship to collect them, so that leaves 50 million.
Don’t like ‘Seinfeld’…25 million.
Hold their cutlery like baboons…15 million.
Can’t drive a manual car or reverse park…8 million.
Are Holocaust-deniers…4 million.
Eat vegetarian…2 million.
Call partner by a baby name in public …1 million.
Take forever to get to the point in a conversation …500,000.
Believe in astrology…250,000.
Follow celebrity news…125,000.
Overlap plates in the dishwasher…60,000.
Constantly ask how they look…30,000.
Pack too many clothes on a trip …15,000.
Allergic to cats…8,000.
Listen to loud music first thing in the morning …4000.
Laugh at their own jokes when they aren’t that funny…2000.
Like to do Yum-cha on Sundays …1000.
Use baby talk during sex…500
Mess up the car radio stations…250.
Turn into quadriplegics when they get sick…125
Leave wet towels on the bed…60.
Over-zealous light turner-offerers…30.
Spread out like a starfish in bed…15.
Brush teeth in lounge room while trying to talk about their day at work…8.
Read self-help books…4.
Spells ‘definitely’ as ‘definately’…2.
Like to interpret dreams…1.

See, we’re down to 1 person already and she has to actually like me…


LẌ said...

Hey, your new blog layout is missing the Hummel figurines.

KJ said...

I am pretty certain, that there is a Mrs Finger out there. Just like you.

Remember that episode on Seinfeld, when he met the girl of his dreams(janeane garofalo)?

Except then he couldn't stand living/being married to someone who was just like him.

Ms Smack said...

The one person left probably would screw with your knives, or mess them up, leave fingerprints on them, or store them incorrectly.

Looks like it's you and your hand for good, darlin.

And the 'asshole' layer of you, is not as much as the 'lovely' layer of you.

What happened with the Elephant?

Jayne said...

There might possibly be one remaining wench on the planet that meets all of your requirements, but then, after you shag her for the first time, you'd realise she was faking it, so you'd be back to painting your fingernails a different colour for the next hand job.............

I like the new layout BTW :-)

Memphis said...

Allergic to cats, eh? You couldn't just toss the damn cats? There's only 2 kinds of pussy in this world and if you have to give up one to get the other I say the cats must go.

fingers said...

xl: I have no idea what you're talking about this time.

Ute: But as we learned from that episode, no one wants to date themself.

Smack: hey I hadn't even got into the really picky stuff either. The Elephant got poached by a rich bastard and he knocked her up.

Jiney: Hi baby, long time no see. You know, I remember my ex-wife telling me she faked her Os with me. I faked my disappointment at hearing it.

MS: Does anyone ever get tired of the old cat/pussy gags ?? Gold, Jerry...

Fanny said...

What if that one remaining girl doesn't have small hands?

Electro-Kevin said...

Ah - but there's a good chance that women DOES like you.

And there's even better news ...

... I've already widened her up and broken her in for you !

Fifi said...

Do the opposite of everything you would normally do...like George did. I tried that but it didn't work...but then I guess that's opposite.. oh fuck it...don't worry.

Ms Smack said...

OMG Kev that's fucking disgusting but hilarious at the same time.

Fingers will be no doubt preparing a response worthy, I'm sure.

Fingers, that elephant was no good, I knew it! Who does that!

Anonymous said...

Overlapping plates in the dishwasher is grounds for imprisonment at my house...just sayin'.

I honestly don't believe in finding that perfect or 'right' person. Everyone is wrong for everyone else. In the end, it comes down to how long you can tolerate each other. Some make the cut longer than others. At any moment - the tolerance is over and you both move on.

I do hope you find someone who doesn't irritate the shit out of you though~for a moment or two anyway.

anon said...

Hey, if I weren't already married I'd be almost perfect for you. I may be bit too tall, and my ass is interchangeable with my face. But I have a fairly spectacular ass, so I don't think that'd have to be a deal breaker.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: I'm glad you came out of your zombie-like coma and have decided to blog again.

I say put up the white flag and surrender. I mean why make your life harder. Best you go down with the ship…let it beat you, put that white flag above your door.

*love that song*

Or you can throw away that math…it didn’t add up anyway. And let me tell you why. When it comes to love…it doesn’t matter. She might snore when she has had a little too much tequila. She might hurt your feelings when she doesn’t give you a welcome home kiss when you get home. She might burp with a rebellious smirk at a nice restaurant and not apologize. (True story)

But there are those times when her kiss makes your heart stand still. That time when she looks at you adoringly and you truly see how much she loves you. When she holds your hand and you don’t want the feeling you get from it to stop. Then there are those times when she calls you ‘baby’ at the grocery store, and you thinks it’s actually pretty cute. And you look at her and can’t help but smile.

Do you know how many emails I’ve had from girls who thought you were awesome, handsome, funny, witty and hot? I’d tell you but…I’m no fink. Plus if I told you, your head would get so big. How would you get out of your building let alones, get in your car?

Ciao baby…xxxxx

Unknown said...

I'm kind of cynical about this stuff.

This is my viewpoint:


His love songs seem to fit perfectly into my cracked mind.

Bambam said...

"Trolls that look like they've fallen off a key-ring".


There is a girl out there for you mate, you're just too lazy and too much of a pussy to GO GET HER!!

emma said...

i was in with a chance until i read "can't drive a manual car or reverse park".

i would say "epic fail!" but i have a feeling using that phrase might be something you unintentionally omitted from your list and will be adding shortly.

my list is the same as yours except i'm even more picky in that he can't be shorter than me. although i am 5 foot 5 so that evens out the odds.

Bambam said...

Well I think the point is that you have to let some shit slide... NO-ONE is ALL of those things. The reason Seinfeld was so funny is because he couldn't get past the slightest issue.

If the chick can't park, teach her.
If she can't spell, correct her.
If she fakes her O's, give the bitch a real one!!


fingers said...

Fanny: If it gets down to that I'd be happy to take a chick with no hands.

E-K: Very thoughtful, mate. My hard-on will be so pleased with her wide-on.

Frankie: Baby, there's nothing wrong with me. It's all the chicks that have these weird habits.

Smack: Well, The Elephant is getting her karma payback now. The guy she's pregnant to is loaded and a really nice bloke. Ha, take that Elephant.

SC: Fat chance. Everyone irritates me.

PG: OK, now that made me laugh. Give me a call if your marriage dissolves and your ass-face hasn't dropped in the meantime.

Spiker: Trust me. I'm way more inpressive in print than person. Still, without revealing the names, just HOW many of these e-mails have you had so far...

Bad Bob said...

I feel exactly the same way, although we may need to work on your math some. Yes I know you are working with generalities and are trying to make it not so bleak by rounding the numbers, but what are the odds of finding that one person out of 6 billion? When I calculated that for me a while back, it was a lot more depressing as I was trying to use numbers that are in my general physical location. I have resigned myself to the fact that not many chicks want an old bald headed guy.
Besides I'm a cranky old stupid motherfucker according to the student I suspended from school yesterday. Now I'm depressed because not only that, I'm a stupid asshole too. I wish he could make up his mind.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: I can't believe you asked that question...without a bribe of some kind.

I mean what kind of girl do you think I am? Do I look like Sandra Dee or Olivia Newton John...like no way Jose...I'm not.

I mean like yeah...I can be bought. And like they say, every girl has a price.

And don't try to kid me...I'm sure you're more impressive in person than in print...you have to be. :)

And anyway, if not...it's still alot more than most.

later sweetie.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

finger honey, a quick note. I miss Bwater. Why do all the good ones go first?



Sadly for you, I am THAT number 1,but luckily for me,you're too nihilistic for me ,which leaves you with a BFF[big fat fucking] O right women for you.

On the bright side, there are 3 billion other options you've yet to explore.

This I'd love to help you with,but can't until I get my initial Introductory fee still owed!


fingers said...

Cath: Your viewpoint is someone else's song ?? That's so fucking lazy, baby.

Bam: No one calls me a pussy, you cunt. That's it. Put your girlie little hands up.

Emma: Nice work hanging in there for so long. I didn;t omit anything unintentionally from the list. I just ran out of numbers...

JLee said...

Are you familiar with the word "Nil" in your country? ;)

fingers said...

Bob: Your general location ?? You've got your own plane, you silly cunt. You should be criss-crossing the continent scouring the land for poon.

Spiker: Name names. I want their names. Give me their names.

Uber: Introductory fee ?? That lead you sent me was a total dud. Complete loser. Plus she has giant, huge hands like those styrofoam ones you see at the baseball. I should report you to consumer affairs.

Jlee: Hey, you're quite cute...can you reverse park...

JLee said...

why yes, I can, but failed about 90% of the other shit. ha

fingers said...

JLee: That's OK...I was only thinking of hiring you as my driver anyway...

emma said...

i know. you could have started higher. you only gave yourself
6 billion when it was 6,697,254,041in 2008.

sorry lol

maybe you should add "women who insist on correcting my facts" to that list...

MommyHeadache said...

Why don't you just cut to the chase and buy a Real Doll - on the plus side they don't talk on the downside you still have the holding cutlery babboon issue but it's worth a shot. They're only about $6000 oh and also they probably don't have STDs. No need to thank me.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: unofficially...quid pro quo.

officially...sorry, but I can't give out names. can't give away my sisters. We have to hold together otherwise we would be as lost as men.

As for men's lists...I found men's list consist of these things.

They want to be fed, fucked and sucked, not always in that order. Given the television remote and maybe a sports day to have fun with the guys.

Then they are happy as fuck.

I've been in love nine times. Five of them were men. I've been engaged 6 or 7 times...more or less, I forget.

later sweetie. xxx
have a great weekend.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Jlee: if you become fingers driver...it would be like driving (Miss Daisy) hehehehe.

sorry fingers...it was there and I just couldn't resist. :)



hahahaha I said she had a nice FACE! There were no guarantees when it came to hands or feet.

You still owe me a small island!

fingers said...

emma: I could have started with 12 billion and it still only gets me one more round of culling. Smart ass.

Emmak: I would but I like calling chicks 'Doll' and it would just feel too weird calling my doll that.

Spiker: Engaged 6 or 7 times. Outstanding work. I will definitely be coming to you for relationship advice then. Right after I take driving lessons from a Chinaman.

Uber: Did you know they are not her real feet ?? She's had work done on them. She went from a 7E to 10B. The Fred Flinstone makeover...

emma said...

oh, does that mean i qualify for "laugh at their own jokes when they aren’t that funny…"


What? She's taken her foot bindings off?

This is outrageous! The slut!

* I'm not giving you a refund!

JLee said...

Well, you know what they say, "big feet..."well, I don't really know the rest, maybe "warm heart" or some shit.

Kelli said...


SB said...

im not ANYONE of those. So im perfect! :D

Not From Lapland said...

Emma sent me to read, and she's right, it is fucking funny.

fingers said...

emma: I hadn't realised you'd applied for the job.

Uber: She's got feet like Ronald Mc Donald.

JLee: You should know, Donald Duck.

Kebeni: Welcome to TWG. Just so you know, we have a total ban on the use of genY text-speak here. If you use it again I will have to ask you to GFY.

LD: Fine. Fill out a form.

Heather: And welcome to you too. Emmak gets $2 for every reader she sends me. You seem like excellent value at that rate...

emma said...

not if there are forms to fill out!

MommyHeadache said...

By my reckoning you owe me $4

here's a joke for you:

Q: What's blue and fucks grannies?
A: The Tory Party.

Flea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Memphis said...

I believe I've found the perfect girl for you. Unfortunately she's only 13 and lives in Thailand. Is that a problem?

JLee said...

LOL @ Memphis Steve!!

Moi said...

Holy crap, this made me laugh! Stumbled across here whilst fart-arsing around at work, which was revealed when I read the line about spelling difinitely and choked on my coffee. Snaps Fingers, you just gained another reader.

Moi said...

Just realised I typed "difinitely" wrong. I guess that means we could never be together...

fingers said...

emma: Most definately.

Emmak: By my reckoning after that joke we're even.

Flea: Hilarious. Do you work in a circus ??

MS: It's only for her.

Jlee: Don't encourage him.

Moi: Welcome to TWG. Wow, that was the shortest audition in blog history...get out...:)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: yes, engaged 6 or 7 times, actually more but hey, that's why I can give great advice.

let's talk LOVE 101: It's like this, when you think you have us figured out...you don't. you have to know how to treat a lady. and each is different. let's cut through all the crap...and get to real love...when a person really love a person. little quirks peeps have don't mean a thing. Most things are forgivable...except maybe, deliberate cruelty.

I'm not fooled by the facade you put up. I can see into your heart sweetie. You just don't like to play games.

except maybe a good game of patty cakes with a gorgeous babe.

later babe. xxx

fingers said...

Spiker: You'd need a microscope just to find my heart, let alone look deep into it. Why does everyone think all I really need is a cuddle ?? Haven't ANY of you been listening the past 5 years...:)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hiiiii honey: I'm sorry...what did you say? :)

yeah yeah...yeah. I'm dorthy gail and you're the tin man that doesn't have a heart. You know I could click my heels three times and be in Oz tomorrow...I say tomorrow because in Oz it's always tomorrow.

Shall I bring my oil can or let you rust mid swing?

bye babe. (((MWUAH)))


I don't think a cuddle would make you a good person. :) I think a cat-o-fucking-nine tails MAY make you a good person.

* I'm here if you need me.

** Jen isn't it about time you gave him a great hulking whack with that meaty mitt of yours?

Just saying....


Spiky- I know I said you're my ray of sunshine[and you are] but I'd pay to see you be a real bitch just once!

Start on Fingers. :)

Clyde said...

You're right---any guy who cares how the dishwasher is stacked, is a cat fancier and has a hard on for Seinfeld, will never find a woman.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

uberbabe: I can't let myself get mean. I get crazy...I will track them down to their houses and god knows what I'll do.

I'll tell my uncle pauly (i'm his fave neice) that someone was mean to me and he doesn't like to see me sad. Badda-bing-badda-boom. It's taken care of. Don't worry bout it.

Yes, I would become Frankenstein's monster...but with better hair and sans neck bolts. I don't live at the corner of Frank and Stein for nothing.

food good...
drink good...
friend...good. :)

Plus...I don't have any enemies. They're all dead or in hospitals.


fingers: hi honey.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: get out from under the kitchen table O' heartless one. Uncle Pauly's...um, employees aren't gonna hurt you. And a wooden spike is useless unless we know where your heart is.

ciao baby. xxooxx

Unberbabe: How's that for me being mean? pretty damn mean huh?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers: i don't like being the last commenter. Soooooo...I'm gonna delete the last two...er, I mean three...m'kay.

I don''t know why...it's an illness, something pasted down from mother to daugher etc.

be back for that, I'm being paged.
ciao babe. xxx

Spiky Zora Jones said...

so this lady walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a 3pound sausage under the other arm...

Memphis said...

JLee laughed at my Thai girl selection? I like Texas women and that's no joke. They all look something like JLee and they're very friendly/aggressive/heavily armed/wear tight jeans. Maybe you should come visit Texas for a month or two and see if you can't find room in your heart for a Texas hottie? Texas women make Aussie women seem shy and withdrawn. Well, Austin, Texas women do. And Dallas, Texas women, too. Houston, Texas women will rob you and El Paso, Texas women don't speak English. Either way, you should visit Austin or the Dallas/Ft Worth area and see how your luck changes. My dad is from Mineola, Texas, where there aren't any women and so he had to go to Austin to meet my mom, who is from Houston and tried to rob him as punishment for being a Longhorn. He outsmarted her, though, and got her pregnant instead. So he got the last laugh and she got poopie diapers.

As long as I'm writing a post on your blog for you, where the hell are you???

Madam Z said...

You poor, dear man! It sounds like you could use a little rainbow therapy. Here's how it works: The next time you see a rainbow, drop your pants and turn your asshole toward it. Then repeat to yourself, "I am not a choosy asshole...I am not a choosy asshole...I am not a choosy asshole." Then stand up, pull up your trousers and look around. The next woman you see will be the right one for you.

JLee said...

Memphis Steverino has it all figured out! lol (except he is wrong about one thing....Dallas women WILL rob you. They may knife you as well.)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers baby...happy birthday sweetheart.


Electro-Kevin said...

I take it you've found yourself a bitch.

Either that or your just too lazy to post.

Bad Bob said...

Spikey is your birthday sweetheart??
I could go for a birthday sweetheart but not in Texas. I didn't have much decent luck with the chicks in Texas. They will rob you.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Fingers, and may your coming year find you happy, and healthy.

Sweet Cheeks~

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Bad Bob...Texas chicks are hot. you just move in the wrong circles.

And the trick to life is...just have fun sweetie, everything else will sort itself out. Oh and hey, Fingers has lots of birthday sweethearts...he's a stud muffin. hehehe


Memphis said...

I apologize for misleading you regarding the Dallas women's propensity for knifing a well-to-do Aussie man. It's been awhile since I was scoping out the babes in Dallas and dodging knives and such. But she is gorgeous, is she not? You should check out Texas in general. The women in Texas mow their front lawns in tiny bikinis. In fact, they go almost everywhere in tiny bikinis. It's so unlike what I'm used to having grown up in the sweaty Southeastern US where women wear shorts and t-shirts and baseball hats. Texas women know how to get your attention (sometimes they will just flat out grab you by the nuts, though, so fair warning.)

Spiky Zora Jones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spiky Zora Jones said...


Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers...hi baby. Just I don't get a chance to say it later...

Meryy Christmas honey.

Bad Bob said...

Hey Fingers,
Merry Christmas, Mate!!
You give up on us?

Spiky, It seems I always seem to run in the wrong circles, but I have lived enough life for 3 lifetimes. That's why I'm high mileage.
I usually do have fun because nobody is going to have fun for me...
Merry Christmas to you.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

bad bob: that's right mister, you've got it. Nobody is gonna have it for you. So we have fun fun fun till daddy takes the T-bird away. :)

Merry Christmas to you too, sweetie. xxx

Electro-Kevin said...

Happy Christmas, Mr Fingers.

If you're not dead then why not come over to my blog and get in the festive spirit.

I've done another video of me playing my geeetar.

LẌ said...

Happy Christmas, mate!

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas you grouchy bastard. Love ya!

Mr Pineapples said...

what is this utter bolloks?

started reading this stuff - and got bored about 6 lines in...and it just goes on and on

Can you provide a three line summary? And then we can ignore all the boring bits.

Mr Pineapples said...

Ole Fingeers

P can see that you are a bit of a card...or tries to be...

I can see that you are an Aussie person too...never mind....but...

P has written a song for your mate Wham Bam to commemorate Engerland regaining the Ashes....feel free to sing it...with Wham ,,

To the tune of Waltzin' Matilda:

Verse One:

Enger..land, Enger...Land
England, England, Enger...land
Enger..land, Enger...Land

Verse Two:

Ozzies, Ozzies are shit
Ozzies, Ozzies are shit

I am working on verse three, and will let you have it soon as it's finished.

All the best cobber

fingers said...

Welcome to TWG, Mr Pineapples.
I am a bit of a card, aren't I ??
And I can see you're a bit of a cunt; but that's OK.
Anyway, I'm having a bit of a break from blogging just now but I'll be back early in the New Year.
I did pop over to your clever little blog and see what sort of wit I'd be up against.
Occupation: chimney sweep...
Champagne comedy, mate.
And the Ashes song you penned; sheer genius.
Not since the writing of the soccer classic 'Here We Go' has such an important contribution been made to the genre of sports ditties.
OH, BTW...England reTained the Ashes...they didn't reGain them...English is a tricky language but please don't give up trying to use it.

KJ said...

*applauds are real genius at work..*

Mr Pineapples said...

Hey Fingers...shouldnt that be "Finger"?

Thanks ole bud for the compliments: "And the Ashes song you penned; sheer genius.
Not since the writing of the soccer classic 'Here We Go' has such an important contribution been made to the genre of sports ditties."

I spent a bit of time on that song - and am quite proud of it - verse three on its way.

I am a bleedin' chimney sweep - and no I dont drink champagne - it's French drink innit?

Oh - and I hope I aint upset you mate - I notice you callin' P names....chill out mate...lie down in the sun and chuck another prawn on the barbee

Electro-Kevin said...

Oh dear, oh dear ... oh dearie me !

'twas me wot woke me ol' mate Mister P from his slumber with a Christmas Greeting. He'd been absent from blogging for quite a while. Sorry to have caused disruption to the normally genteel and fragrant commentry on the Fingers thread.

He's not a chimney sweep (not full time anyway.) He's a barrister by profession (seriously) So with your degree in law, Fingers, and his love of sport, and the temporary (I'm sure) dip in Aussie prowess, 2011 is shaping up to be a year of top banter.

You should read P's series on one of his court cases. Rivetting stuff.

Miss LT said...

I think I got disqualified with my spelling... But you must understand everything has spell check now day so you wouldn't even notice unless you were shoulder surfing my text session :)