Wednesday, March 16, 2011

don't eat the bananas...

A summary of the reporting quality of the Japanese crisis as seen on CNN and Sky News...

Q: So, Professor Morkel, at this point in time what are the chances of the nuclear crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi reactor turning into a Chernobyl-like disaster?
A: Almost zero. They are completely different breeds of reactors. This reactor is water-cooled whereas Chernobyl was water-cooled/graphite-moderated and it was the graphite which exploded and sent a radioactive plume into the atmosphere. That cannot happen here.
Q: So, you’re saying there’s no possibility of a huge nuclear explosion with hundreds of thousands of people killed and millions more left severely injured or possibly exposed to radiation and turned into giant mutant insects?
A: No. Not really.
Q: Can you completely guarantee that one hundred percent?
A: No. Not really.
Q: So, you’re saying there IS a possibility?
A: I’m saying there’s more likelihood of you getting fucked in the ass doggie style by Jesus this Easter.
Q: So, you can’t rule it out absolutely then?
A: I guess not.
Q: OK, now that we’ve established this looks like it could be a disaster similar to the one at Chernobyl, can you explain exactly what’s going on inside the core of the troubled reactor right now?
A: Well, without water to cool the core, the uranium fuel rods have been exposed, causing them to heat up and we have assumed they will have begun a partial melt-down.
Q: Can you be sure?
A: No, but the assumption is fairly obvious at this stage.
Q: Is there any way to be sure the fuel rods are melting down?
A: No. Not really.
Q: Why?
A: Because the rods are encased in a solid steel container with four-inch thick walls to keep them secure, so we can’t actually see them.
Q: So, you’re saying there’s no viewing window in the containment vessel?
A: Of course not.
Q: And is this lack of a viewing window in your opinion a design flaw in the reactor that set it on its inevitable course to become a Chernobyl-like disaster?
A: No, you cannot have viewing windows in a containment vessel.
Q: And why is that, Professor.
A: Because it’s a containment vessel for uranium fuel rods and it gets extremely hot in there…like 5000 degrees hot…and even the most heat resistant glass known to science melts at 2000 degrees…that’s why.
Q: Is it possible to send someone inside the core to have a look?
A: I wish it was…I’d send you in right now.
Q: What about an unmanned probe like the ones used to explore distant objects in space? Could a robot-drone similar to the ones used by the CIA to assassinate terrorists in Iraq be used to check inside the reactor core?
A: NO!!!
Q: What about a tiny submarine like in ‘Fantastic Voyage’? Could we shrink a nuclear sub and possibly send it into the core to check the damage and carry out repairs?
A: No!!!
Q: Why not? Is it because there's no water for the submarine to operate in?
A: No. It's because it’s a movie.
Q: ‘The China Syndrome’ was also a movie.
A: Yes.
Q: So are you suggesting we have a potential ‘China Syndrome’ event on our hands here then, Professor.
A: I said nothing of the sort.
Q: OK, can we talk about the massive explosions that have been occurring since last Friday that have convinced you we have a Chernobyl-like disaster reminiscent of ‘The China Syndrome’ on our hands?
A: What? These are just hydrogen explosions. Simple combustion. Nothing more at this stage.
Q: You mean a hydrogen explosion similar to ‘The Hindenburg’ catastrophe many years ago in which all those people died horribly on fire. Are you implying that in addition to a Chernobyl-like disaster similar to the one in ‘The China Syndrome’, that Japan could be engulfed in a catastrophic Hindenburg-like firestorm similar to the one that destroyed Tokyo towards the end of WW2 and killed tens of thousands of people?
A: Of course I’m not implying that, you stupid cunt. This is a nuclear reactor made from steel and concrete, not a balloon made from starched cotton sheets.
Q: I see. Now these apocalyptic hydrogen explosions we’re watching on the monitor; millions of viewers have tweeted their concern that these huge hydrogen explosions seem eerily reminiscent of the explosion caused when The United States dropped the second atomic bomb, a hydrogen bomb, on Nagasaki to end WW2, killing tens of thousands of people and severely injuring hundreds of thousands more and possibly exposing millions more to radiation which turned them into giant mutant insects. What can you say to these concerned viewers to alleviate their desperate fear?
A: I can say that the two are nothing alike; it’s preposterous.
Q: But we’re talking about nuclear hydrogen here, Professor.
A: No we’re not. There’s no such thing as nuclear hydrogen. This is a nuclear reactor which produces hydrogen as a by-product.
Q: Worst case scenario is there any way this potentially cataclysmic production of hydrogen could develop into an atomic bomb similar to the one that destroyed Nagasaki?
A: No, that’s absurd. It’s simple combustion, not a nuclear reaction.
Q: Under what circumstances could a simple case of hydrogen combustion escalate into a catastrophic nuclear event?
A: It can’t. Ever. Never. Never ever. Cannot happen. Unless you dropped a hydrogen-fuelled atomic weapon on top of the combustion event it cannot happen.
Q: So, you seem to be warning the viewers that given Japan’s history of having atomic weapons of mass-destruction dropped on it, the possibility cannot be dismissed lightly?
A: No, I’m doing nothing like that.
Q: Now, in relation to the processes occurring inside the reactor core; can you explain in layman’s terms to the viewers just exactly what is going on?
A: Probably not.
Q: Why?
A: Because it’s very complex and your viewers are almost certainly morons.
Q: So, does this beg the question of whether we should be using technologies that are well beyond our understanding?
A: They are not beyond our understanding. They are beyond yours. We know how this all works. You don’t need to know anything.
Q: Are you suggesting there’s some sort of cover-up going on here?
A: Of course not.
Q: Then why won’t you release the information concerning what’s really going on inside the reactor’s core?
A: Because you won’t understand it.
Q: OK, are you prepared to discuss the alarming levels of radiation that are being emitted from the reactors?
A: Yes, I would love to address this topic actually.
Q: We are receiving reports that radiation levels near the power plants have reached more that 1000 microSieverts…is this cause for blind panic?
A: No.
Q: What about mass hysteria?
A: No.
Q: Well many people are saying that 1000 microSieverts is an enormously scary level.
A: It’s not.
Q: 1000 would seem to be a very large number to many people.
A: It is…but a microSievert is a very small unit of measure.
Q: But if you have a lot of somethings that are very small, can’t that amount to a large thing at some point?
A: In theory I suppose…but it’s not a practical concern. You’re exposed to higher levels of radiation eating a banana than you would be standing outside the exclusion zone set up around the reactor.
Q: With all due respect, Professor…I don’t think you can compare eating a banana with eating uranium fuel rods.
A: I never mentioned anything about eating uranium fuel rods. That’s insane.
Q: Because of the danger?
A: Of course because of the danger.
Q: And what about these radioactive bananas? Should we be avoiding them?
A: What radioactive bananas?
Q: You just mentioned radioactive bananas a few seconds ago.
A: There’s no such thing as radioactive bananas. Bananas contain tiny amounts of radioactive material but not enough to harm you.
Q: How many of these radioactive bananas would someone have to eat before they ran the risk of a meltdown or of mutating into a giant insect?
A: I don’t know. Several trillion I suspect.
Q: The scientific community seems to just churn out these huge numbers glibly but can you put this into context for the average viewer? What might several trillion bananas look like?
A: It would be huge.
Q: Could you give the viewers an example that might be relevant to them?
A: Well, if the tennis-ball size chunk of coke they caught Charlie Sheen with was a banana, then he would have to have a coke-ball the size of the Earth to equate to several trillion bananas.
Q: I see…and at this stage are there any plans to bring Charlie Sheen to Japan to help with what looks like becoming the worst nuclear disaster since the Chernobyl catastrophe nearly three decades ago which killed hundreds of thousands of people and left millions more severely injured or possibly exposed to radiation that turned them into giant mutant insects…


KJ said...


Have seen this floating around Farcebook the last couple of days-

"A 41 year old nuclear reactor gets hit by a 9 magnitude earthquake, then slammed with a 20ft tall swell, followed by an explosion due to the buildup of hydrogen gas that blows off the roof of the building, and the core is intact and contained. and your telling us nuclear power isnt safe?"

Bambam said...

Headline yesterday: RADIATION LEVELS 15.8 mSv OUTSIDE TOKYO! Market sells off... then a Jap says "yes and a stomach X-ray is 600" hahahaha...

The media is appalling.

Anonymous said...

pfft, some idiot in the media mentioned it wouldn't be a good idea to go out in the rain.....

Style Seduction said...

Arent you a funny fucker

Jayne said...

The most common 'word' in use with just about every major newscaster regarding Japan(excluding Al Jazeera so far) has been "er" or possibly "um". It's pathetic. I suspect many other countries are jealous of how organised the Nips are.

Thanks for setting the record straight Fingers.

lalita said...

I have conflicting feelings about reporters. On one hand, I feel pity for them, having such an idiotic job, being forced to look for drama where there is none. On the other hand, I simply hate their moronic "live minute by minute from" reports.

Ms Smack said...

That was very clever!

I hear journo's doing shit like that on the ABC Radio sometimes and it does my head in!

LẌ said...


JLee said...

enough about this nuke-lar stuff, where are the bananas? I'm hungry...

Electro-Kevin said...

I thought the comment about Jesus fucking people up the arse was hilarious.

Now I understand why we celebrate his erection every Easter.

Joy to the World !

emma said...

I'm just amazed they haven't sent the Sunrise team there yet - Kochie in a kimono, Mel face down in a plate of sushi & Grant Denyer doing a dive bomb off an exploding reactor to the strains of 'I feel the earth move' by Carole King.

Anonymous said...

I heard this on the news this morning...

"We've decided not to listen to Japanese authorities anymore. We'll decide for ourselves what is best for U.S. citizens...based upon whatever information the Japanese officials give us, of course."

I live amongst idiots.

Excellent post, Love!

Madam Z said...

Omigod! I just finished eating a banana! My core is melting! My skin is turning yellow! My eyes are slanting!

All kidding aside (burp...slight expulsion of radioactive gas...), Fingers, this post is absolutely terrific! You should be writing for television (comedy shows, not Nightly News), if you're not already. You should be getting paid for your brilliance. Seriously! I'm not kidding!

Memphis said...

Winning! Tiger blood! Radioactive tiger blood.

Spiky Zora Jones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spiky Zora Jones said...

Q: So, you’re saying there IS a possibility?
A: I’m saying there’s more likelihood of you getting fucked in the ass doggie style by Jesus this Easter.

Fingers baby...As if getting fucked in the ass doggie style on an Easter Sunday is a hard thing to do. I can remember my first Easter Sunday out of high, but he went by the name 'Chewy' instead of Jesus.

thinking more now...maybe it was Good Friday instead of Easter Sunday. :)

fingers baby...would you agree to a REAL interview from me? I'll then post it.

Later sweetie. (((MWUAH)))


Nothing is as toxic as the Diva cup though. Trust you not to warn us about THAT disaster!

Loved this post though!

Bad Bob said...

I KNEW the media was feeding us a bunch of crap. I can't believe anyone anymore.

I think the only time I had your kind of imagination was when I was on all those pain pills after my operation. Guess I need another one.

fingers said...

Ute: Amazing how people have forgotten the little hiccup last year when the top blew off that pesky BP oil-well and leaked 10 brazillion barrels of slop into the ocean.

BB: It's OK for you. You don't have to worry about the hair on your head or nuts falling out.

DB: Not as dumb as the two technicians a decade ago in Japan who died after hand-mixing uranium and plutonium in a bucket.

SS: Squealer.

Jiney: Well we all know you'd rather take a radiation bath any day in order to see the towel-head oil monopoly smashed. Good girl, you.

lalita: Hi there. Welcome to TWG. You have to love a two minute report in which a minute is taken up with 'And now over to Russell Fuckwit live on the ground at Fukushima Daiichi...yes thanks Kylie...I'm live here on the ground at Fukushima Daiichi and the news is not good but luckily I haven't got enough time to tell you about it. Back to you, Kylie...thanks Russell...that report by Russell Fuckwit live on the ground at Fukushima Daiichi where the news does not sound good at all'...

Smack: It certainly makes you dark, doesn't it...:)

xl: Arigato, Round Eye.

JLee: In my pocket.

EK: I think this nuclear apocalypse is God's way of punishing mankind for not believing in evolution.

emma: Seriously I'm surprised they didn't do a week-long presentation from a cement bunker in full radiation suits.

SC: Have you covered the potato crop with aluminum foil yet ??

Z: That is so kind of you to say, baby. I don't suppose you own a TV network by any chance ??

MS: Onya, Radio-Active Man.

Spiker: An interview ?? With me ?? Well, seeing as how we might be facing a nuclear holocaust what else can I say. NO !!!

Uber: WTF are you on about ?? Close the windows and take your iodine tablet now.

BB: Cheer up'll always have me to believe...

Bad Bob said...

BB: It's OK for you. You don't have to worry about the hair on your head or nuts falling out.

Au Contraire Mon Ami,
The hair on my head only goes up to the top of the sides and back(yes, if that is the case, then my head is a cube or something like it)
The only time I get hair in my eyes, is when she is on top. At least that is the way I remember it.

Bad Bob said...

Looks like I replied to the wrong BB reply.

That is why I keep coming back. It is the only way to find the real truth.

emma said...

Oh I wish they would - but sans suits.


Stop! Rationing yourself as if you have some busy and/or exotic life to put a premium of yourself.